Love without love

When I reached my home, I could not see my wife anywhere. I searched the whole house; calling for her but did not hear from her nor see her. I called her friends and family to find out whether she went to visit them or sheared anything with them about going out but still found her nowhere.

Went in search of her all around, I thought I might find her but still did not. After the whole night's search, when I came back home my eyes fell on a diary that was on the table.

I remember, my wife used to write dairy every night and this was her diary. So opened up to read, the diary so that I can understand where she would be. The last page said, “I Love you, I love you forever but I think our relationship is not doing good, I tried to make things right with you many times but you had no time, so finally, I give up, don’t worry about me I can take care of myself, you do take care of yourself and be happy with the self I am giving back your freedom forever, I love you, from; your burden….. bye”.

I am like… really…, am I reading this is it my wife’s, and even though after thinking about those sentences for some time, I could not get to what does that say and finally, thought of reading the diary to know what she was trying to say.

The first page says “My marriage” today is the day we were eagerly waiting for, my life is going to change after this day. After all the makeover, I am waiting for my groom to come and my stomach is filled with butterflies as I felt it when he proposed to me,

How he proposed to me? Here it goes,

We had been neighbors and friends for two years, we have danced and participated in dramas together on society stage shows. That day we had finished this drama of Rome and Juliet’s love story and headed back to home and were very hungry so stopped at a panipuri store and he just said it like, “I am serious on this, though it sounds like a dialogue this is what I feel, ho Juliet, all my life I have searched for you and when I found you my heart has left me for you, This Romeo loves you a lot and wants to live with him forever, but if you say no its better someone gives me some poison and I would have it like panipuri and die like Romeo did when he thought Juliet is dead” I had a little feeling like Juliet playing Juliet for you too, but I never thought you would propose to me so soon and how could I say no after this kind of proposal, after about one and half year making our family understand we are finally getting married and I feel like I am on the ninth cloud. My marriage is at……….(a long story of the marriage, how it happened etc and at last ended with) we have planned our honeymoon at Manali.

The honeymoon was for five days and so the five pages spoke of all the enjoyments and fun they had in their honeymoon. After a few pages of turning the first line said “I am sad (I had to see why and stopped there and continued to read) this is the first time you didn’t even give a smile or looked at me, didn’t have breakfast, I can understand you are very busy with work but a simple good morning and goodbye would have made my day”.

Some pages were left empty after a few pages it again started with “it's getting so frustrating from past many days you haven’t been speaking not even smiling, coming home late, is it finished, that’s it, what is wrong with you or what is it that is wrong with me…….. Stop it, I am thinking too much, you might be really very busy but how am I supposed to make my heart understand that?

It’s not working, I just think why to be anxious, so thought of joining my fashion designing work and drama back, so I can be busy too and my time will pass until you make some free time, today I will have to speak to him on this.

No, no, no how he can say no? he loved me when I was doing that then why not now, I don’t get it what am I supposed to do? Just take care of his house and cook that’s all?????

Finally, we are going out, it’s some party I think, yeah, we will get some time to speak and make things back to normal and even his projects have completed now so….

Wow, what a party…. I just hate it. I thought it can be normal but rather all his time he stayed with his colleagues and friends not even introduced me…. But, why? Am I irritating him? Am I not good? Did I not dress properly? Don’t I speak properly? I am going mad.

I spoke to him today, what was up to him, all he had to say is he loves me, loves me very much, and brought me this jewelry set and a set of clothes…. Let me see if he can show any of the love he is speaking about.

I still don’t get it no talk, no walk, no smile, no time to even spare some time to comment on my looks too… but why? I think he has something else going on out in the office. Have to find out.

Nothing no girlfriends, no flirting, is he turned to gay? Or is he not a man……ho no what am I saying. He is a man and not a gay either but then I just don’t know did he only marry me for…….s___ hmmmm >.>>>>>

Great news, I am pregnant after three months of our marriage, I am so happy, will this make him come close to me, will this news get back that happiness that we had lost all this while, I am going to give him a gift of life, surely, he will be happy and from now on I am sure he will make time wow, I have to make some arrangements, so I can tell him this like a mind-blowing surprise.

Yes, he is so happy and me too, he took me to the hospital we had a great time together today, it all looks like a dream come true. He brought a few things for me but Thank god, this good news got our happy days back.

People say bad times don’t stay long and the ray of light takes way the darkness but in my case, the light faded very fast it’s just three weeks and he is again back to a boring man and he wants me to go to my mother’s home until delivery. Hmmmm….. come on I am getting so angry and frustrated feeling like slapping him.

Wow, I am so happy today, he got me fruits, sweets, and things so I and our baby can be healthy and happy. Hope it continues with his fruitful words and sweet smile and care in the future.

It’s been four months of pregnancy and till today I have waited for him and just waited for him not his fruits, sweets, pizza or burger, jewelry… but him, we have had a lot of fights all this time, he comes to the checkup and stands out as if it's only my baby all the time in phone either calls with colleagues or YouTube videos don’t know on what. I am fed up I have tried to tell him many times I need him not his three words I love you and things that he gets for me.. But I suppose he didn’t get it and he won’t. As he is happy with his work, mobile, laptop.

I never wanted to show this dairy to anyone it was only to remember my happy days but all it has is sad and boring days so I think I need you to see this and finally, this letter is for you hopefully you will understand why I am forced to leave you and my dairy.

You think we need many things but that is not what I or any girl thinks. Love is not just a word that has to be said, love doesn’t mean you need to prove it so give huge and heavy gifts, love doesn’t mean sex, love doesn’t mean to do chores for her and take care by giving fruits and stuff. It is a feeling that you feel when you are with each other, spend some time talk to each other if nothing just a smile, hi, how are you? and goodbye. Doing chores together, sharing things, and enjoying doing it together. Watching movies and videos together, or spending time chatting with each other by keeping the phone aside. We do need space but if space is covered with understanding and enjoyment in both of us then why not. Hope you understand.

But I am fed up trying to tell you this and waiting for you to change and understand, so I am leaving you with your happy loneliness and a busy job, take care and be happy don’t panic, I will take care of both myself and our child.

Sorry, but saying I love you and without that feeling of love in and around us feels like hell. Before I completely go into depression I give you and myself some relaxation.

By

Sindhushree