Believe/doubt

Shockingly, I received a divorce notice from my husband on the same day when we got married 7 years back. Today in the second half after I finished my meal and was planning, to somehow speak to my husband and make everything back to normal but to my surprise, I received a notice in courier and when I opened it to my shock it was a divorce notice, my heart stopped to beat for a moment and could not feel my own self and everything seemed to blackout in front of me, by then a hand comes on my shoulders asking me “is everything all right why are you dumbstruck like a doll?” and pulled the papers out of my hands.

The tears rolled down my eyes and I collapsed to the ground, my friend helped me to the nearby sofa and gave me a glass of water that is when I felt myself back to life but it was still very heavy to carry this feeling.

By then she shouted “divorce? Ho my god, how and why? You guys were the perfect couple…, no one could ever imagine something like this would even come to your mind, guys????”

How could I answer that, when I myself was searching for the answer for the same question?

I remember the day when we got married, He was running a successful construction business. He was in one of the 10 best constructers in the city and I….., knew nothing, I lived an olden day women style who only did household chores. I was nowhere in this competitive world of women who fight with both men and women and make their achievements, I couldn’t even speak properly with people as I was so scared of what would people say? They might laugh at me if I say this or scold me if I say that and keep quiet.

He didn’t know about me as he had just come from abroad for his marriage, but I knew about him and I always knew I was not the right person for him and he would not be ever able to live his whole life with me but again scared of things, I stayed quiet and got married to the most handsome and eligible bachelor.

I was happy until people said I have the most perfect person as my life partner but somewhere in there, I knew it was the very opposite for him, he would never ever laugh again after he comes to know about me.

After entering his house every minute I was praying not now, not now but I knew, one day that moment will surely come when he will know I was useless and unfit to be his wife.

The days passed people were there, parties happed, families slowly went back to their homes and now it was 3 months that we had got married. We spoke a lot had good fun speaking to all the family and relatives funny life, Now there was a shock for me that we were going to live in Mumbai living back all the family in Bangalore.

I was shaken and ask him one thing “if it is for a few days or months you go and come back I will wait for you here” he smiled and said “no, we are going to settle there and if you are thinking you will have to leave families back here, don’t worry we will come back every often, Mumbai is not very far from Bangalore or even they will come to see you” he turned and continued speaking his plans to his parents and I said to myself this would be our last journey together the time has come when he will get to know everything and throw me out of his house.

Within a few weeks, all our things were packed and our families came along to Mumbai to settle us down in a new city. After a week’s time, they arranged and moved back to Bangalore, now we are the only two people at the new house in Mumbai.

Every morning he used to finish his breakfast, take the packed lunch and go to the office and come back at night. After a few days he said, “after I go to the office you might be feeling bored, why don’t you try for a job, or learn something or even go shopping, (looking at me) are you going shopping when I am not there?”

I said “no”

“Hey, it’s ok, you want some money take it, you know the neighbors are very good, go with them have fun, slowly you will get used to this place the language and people”

“Ok, I will”

Later he expected me to get everything that was needed to house and to him, but I was a nerd always locked in my home, I tried to go out and get things but it didn’t work well.

Finally, I thought it time I told him what I was trying to keep away from him.

“dear, I have to tell you something….you have worked so hard and are so talented to make your own company and it's so successful, you are a perfect man that any girl would be happy to be with, but I cheated and did not tell you that, I am not what you may be thinking me to be, I know nothing and I live a scared life, of and on everything I am just a nerd who does not deserve you” cried sorrowfully.

He got up and walked out the door without uttering a word.

I cried my heart off but I knew the worst was about to come and waited for him. After an hour he came back, again did not speak, and went to sleep.

Maybe it was not going to burst now but soon it will be in fumes, I could not sleep peacefully but had rest for a while.

The next morning as he woke up he said “get ready we are going out” and he went to get ready.

It was a really uneasy time as I did not know what was in his head until today whenever we went out I was happy as he was by my side but today he is with me but not with me.

I got ready and we went out after few minutes of the drive he parked his vehicle and we got down it was Gate Way of India, we put some wheat and the pigeons came to have them and he said “you see when you go close to these birds they fly off and come back in a distance away and have their food, they are scared, very scared but they come to land to fill their stomach”

Moving forward, he asked me “back in your home there were these sketches, on the wall and they had your name, was it all yours?”

I nodded my head “yes, I did it when I was free downloading pics, from Google”

“It doesn’t mind where you get it and how you make it. All that matters is can you make it, are you interested in it and he showed me many paintings and sketches displayed on the roadside “you see this it’s all for sale and most of them are copied and some will be copied by someone else, when people like it they buy it and when people like it more they want to get it made again, so all that matters is “can you make it”.

I said, “yes, but…..”

“If you are interested I can help you learn it”

“Yes, but….”

Soon we drew to an art school and he paid my fees to learn the art.

It took me two years to learn the different art designing and again he was the one who made me a gallery to showcase my art and to sell them on a bigger front and make money and be identified within some people.

He was always behind me to help me and support me, to bring me up and today a gallery runs by my name people call me for big occasions. I just don’t see known rich people but talk to many people out there without hesitating.

Now, for the past few months, I have been very busy with functions and clients and traveling with a few people and I have not been able to give my time to him. I have been independently doing things that I never thought things like this will ever be happening in my life. I am happy and feel so good to be this me and think now I am the girl he would be happy with his life.

But recently, there was a big misunderstanding, one of my clients wanted me to make a few…… nude paintings of him at his place and I had a really great deal for this. I could not say no.

It had nothing to do with my feelings or…..sex for that matter but I could not tell this to my husband as he would never agree on this and thus I had also asked the client to keep this matter a secret, that I had painted his pictures at his location.

He did keep that a secret but he did gift me a price, as being the most naturalistic painter when he opened his gallery and portrayed a few nude paintings of him and the gossip of me behind the painting started along the way that surely reached my husband too.

The gossips took a different turn and many things got connected to a simple thing that became really awkward. When I turned to my husband for his support when I need him again……., he turned me down. Now it is not a doubt but he has assumed we have had something between us.

We have been apart since then and this last big deal of mine is slowly taking of everything from me, leaving behind my soul that is haunted by people’s gossip and thought of betraying my hubby. This was the fight which I thought my husband would be with me but we are breaking apart forever. It was not when I knew nothing he hated me it happened when I started thinking I can do everything.

He is attacking me in all possible ways the way he helped me to make me. Keeping me away from his parents my own parents, my friends, my gallery everything and things are getting awkward and it's breaking my heart into little pieces. Will I ever be able to get up again?

A belief in him made me and a Doubt in him is going to destroy me.

I may not have to prove myself to the world, but have to fight to get him to meet with the truth that might get him back to believing in me.