Living For Your Goodbye

As I sat my phone down, I exhaled a huge sigh of relief, though I knew it was just another habitual impermanence resulting in equivalence with every other past occurrence. I had done my weekly routine of checking the county jail for one specific new inmate, and like all your copious past incarcerations there was your mugshot, except this time, in this mugshot, your appearance was abhorrently abysmal. Your disconcerting image was now etched onto my soul, that sloven, disheveled, and atrocious physical appearance made it blatantly explicit that your self care and hygiene had become inconsequential to you and was no longer an essential priority to you. I was able to bypass your mangey, unkempt look, but I couldn't bear the all-encompassing, inevitable pain that would instantaneously invade and assailment the fibers of my emotions knowing that your safe haven in the county jail was only but a temporary habitation and yet again you'll be out. Out again and on your one goal mission to self destruct by any means that you could draw up in a syringe and inject into your veins, this always being your first and only priority. Your lack of self control, respect, and careless actions have exasperated not only myself, but your mother, of whom is not deceased and you are most likely oblivious to the fact she is gone, your father has told me to tell you to never contact him again, and I myself am saying goodbye to you as well.

Goodbye to your perpetual, incessant lies, the ones you spew both in and out of jail. Goodbye to those frivolous lies, the ones where you continued to pretend you wanted a relationship with your son, though unfortunately you have in inadvertently left him scarred, setting him up for future distress related to your selfish absence. Goodbye to your addiction, though I ceased supporting it financially numerous years ago, I continued to support it emotionally, and the repercussions of my actions have catalyzed my petulance, resentment, and animosity towards your existence. It has been such a profound impact that I frequently question if the disdain I have for you has anesthetized any and all of my empathic concern, and merciful compassion towards your life, do I care if you die, should I care? I have found that my intense aversion towards you, in the past few years years has evolved into a more contemptuous, audacious, and even apathetic feeling, though majority of my feelings concerning you have mostly become deadened and dulled with a twinge of mild fervor. Goodbye to the nuisance of your collect calls, good bye to your incoherent declarations of infallibility. your scripted delusional promises that you effortlessly recanted, already preparing to deliver the same predictable speech the moment the officer said, "You're under arrest."

Goodbye to a man I had once found myself so infatuated with, a man that was once full of excitement for life, a man that emitted immense passion for his life and those in it, a man motivated by waking up each day, a man grateful for what he had and even more so for what he did not have. Goodbye to the man that put his mother on a pedestal, and was proud to be "a momma's boy," making it evident via yours action how much you valued and loved her. Goodbye to the man who's blue eyes once radiated with a luminesce that rivaled the most illuminated skies, that would have me entranced with each glance. Good bye to the man that was also my best friend, Goodbye to the man that became the father to our son.

Goodbye to the man who no longer has my heart, you decided many years ago that it was of no use to you if it did not alter you state of mind, which instantaneously became the moment where I observed the only honesty from you in years while simultaneously being able to comprehend the reality I once dared not to fathom. Goodbye to the man whos passion has been pilfered and fraudulently substituted, your motivation is now a source of deceit of deception, and you are only grateful for what you can put in a pipe or a syringe. Goodbye to the man whos eyes are now faded, lackluster in their sparkle, reflected now is a man that has lost his life, existing only for the next high, desperate, lonely, and hopelessly manipulated by your own malevolent demons. This is my last stance, my offering for my own closure, I bid you farewell, may you find yourself soon, because death is inevitable and very near if you continue on as your addiction's puppet, which is my reason I say Goodbye now. This is me making peace with loosing you a long time ago, this my way of tactfully acknowledging my defeat and bowing out gracefully of your life. I see you everyday in your son, his blue eyes more illuminating then a million suns, so bright and full of excitement for life, he is so much of you its eerie, I hope to ensure his zest and fire for life does not dwindle nor is easily corrupted so to do that I must now say my final, my very last, the conclusion of sorts, the closing of a chapter that was long overdue to be done. So, here's to the end, my final farewell, Adios, Adieu, Ciao, Sayonara, Cheerio, Ta-Ta, and Good Bye!