Finding Me At 33

As I stood beside my 2013 Jetta Volkswagon pumping gas with my daughter occupying the passenger seat, my son in the back andmy service dog Pretzel, I hear a lady shouting from across the store lot. " Hey Ma'am, Hey!" I realized I was the subject of her attention, a bit confused and caught off guard I made the "what's up" head motion to declare that she had my attention, and her next four words have rearranged my entire persona of me, she simply said, "I like your style!" I awkwardly smiled and yelled back a "thank you," as I finished pumping my gas, screwed in my gas cap and got in my car to drive away, those words "I like Your Style" perplexed me. I wondered was she referring to my physical appearance, of my one side shaved head and short hair parted in the middle swooped to the other side, that is now dyed blue, my numerous tattoos, the one on my throat of an octopus being started two days prior along with a septum piercing. Perhaps it was just my choice in clothing, being I was wearing rainbow colored skull leggings and a black t-shirt, or was it a combination of it all? Over the next several weeks I contemplated this enigma of what my style actually was, who I was, what made my style me, what was so intriguing about my style that it was worthy of being mine? Allow me to first introduce myself, my name is Angela, I am a 33 year old bisexual, recovering heroin addict, and single mother of two human children ages 16 and 8, and my 5 year old service dog, Pretzel, a chocolate lab and pit bull mix. I currently have tattoos covering my neck with a sugar skull dog on the right side for my daughter a wolf on the left side for my son and a fairly new start of an octopus on my throat for myself, our favorite animals, my left hand is adorned with an alien head surrounded by watercolor splashes and the symbol for Atheism on the alien's forehand, my right hand is a beautiful sugar skull lady, my arms contain the likes of a monkey, a mandala skull and diamond, the side silhouette of a nude female Japanese warrior yielding a katana, a rainbow colored Phoenix bird. Then there is the phrase "Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned" emblazed across my upper chest, "He Was My Karma" scrawled across my left side ribcage, and a tribute piece to a deceased friend on the back of my right calf, I for sure don't have enough and will have my body illustrated by talented tattoo artists as my life adventure continues. I have my septum pierced, and a few ear piercings, my hair is shaved short on the right side and back, parted on the side with short hair swooping across to the left side and is currently colored a dark blueish purple, though this could change instantly, my hair has been nearly every color of the rainbow, with jet black being my natural color. My eyes, my best feature, are the color of cat eyes, a yellowish green and big, I have freckles speckled about the pale skin of my thick, chubby, and in my opinion fat body. I stand a whopping 5 feet tall and weigh more than what I would prefer at 140 pounds. My wardrobe is comprised mainly of leggings, most with skulls in some fashion, numerous black shirts, leopard print anything, and the same black faux quilted leather shoes. I wear makeup when the occasion is fitting and majority of the time I am wearing some long fake nails with weird or unusual art painted on them, I love being a woman and embracing the aspects that summon my inner goddess!

On May 23 this year I will celebrate my 8th year being in recovery from heroin/opioid addiction, a result of my program of Methadone Treatment. I have found a passion in educating others on the benefits of Medication Assisted Treatment for opioid addiction, by instigating conversation about addiction and providing evidence based studies on harm reduction treatment options for opioid addiction. My 10+ years addicted to opioids and heroin took me to places within myself I was oblivious even existed, I conjured strength I can only compare to that of a superhero, I invoked a will to live that had long been dormant, I awakened an empowering unknown desire for living life and with that I was able to get clean, my life adventure began anew! Even in recovery I have struggled with liking myself and loving the woman I see in the mirror, the task of acceptance is easy when it is not me and my flaws I have to accept. I have learned through experience that the less I cared about what others thought, expected, wanted, demanded, and said of me, made it easier for me to open my eyes to the reality that what I think, expect, want, demand, and say to myself are the actual important aspects and a tremendous commodity in me truly liking me and having the genuine ability to love myself unconditionally.

People have told me I have an intimidating look about me, it's called Resting Bitch Face to be accurate, but seriously, people have told me that once they get to know me I am not what they expected based on my looks, and recently I was told by my counselor at my clinic that other than my initial physical appearance I had a unique ere about me and that is a beautiful thing! Its taken me years of drug addiction, eating disorders, kids, and recovery to finally find me and be comfortable with me. With each new hair color I have, every new tattoo, the next pair of weird and crazy leggings, and the funky long coffin shape nails I wear now, I become more comfortable with me, I gain a piece of outside wear that is finally able to reflect my inside, I have finally found me at 33 and did so with my style!