Life Is Beautiful, Right?!

Hope is a wonderful thing! But it's not always easy to see the light, the silver lining. I wake up each day...I know I should be thankful that I get to see another day. Instead, my heart sinks thinking that it's another day that I would need to pull myself out of the sadness, the burden that I feel all the time. I want to be happy but there's an invisible anchor that keeps pulling me down.

I wasn't always like that! I have some wonderful memories of a wholesome and guilt-free childhood. I can only look back and reminisce and when I do, I feel more empty inside than ever! I could have been a better daughter, a better wife, a much better mother but I kept looping myself deeper and deeper into what couldn't be mine.

My heart feels heavy all the time and I want to be happy, for the sake of my children at least but all I can give them sometimes is a forced half smile with eyes full of despair. I brought this upon myself. I deserve every bit of it! Where I am today, all this emptiness I complain about, I should've seen it coming. I dared to think that all will be roses and butterflies, that there will be no repercussions, never thinking once that when the dust settles down, the real damage of the disaster will surely start to sink in. If I got one chance to redo it, with this so-called wisdom I have now, I would stand in the way of this greed and run that dagger through my desires right where they stemmed from.

I feel so lonely, all the time! My laughter, my words, everything about me is just fake. I'm breaking into pieces inside every minute of every day. I've lost all self-respect and all the love that I had from my family, the family that I've wronged. I've robbed them of their happiness, their security, their sense of confidence. Did I not ever wonder consequences would be? What made me think that what I did was justifiable?

I'm waiting...I'm waiting for a ray of hope! I'm a human being, just a human being. There has to be someone bigger than me, much more powerful than me who can pull me out of my plight. So I'm waiting, trying to be patient, clinging on to the quarter of an ounce worth of hope that I have. From time to time, my inner "me" says not to cry over spilt milk. The damage is done! The love, trust, and respect...all have been lost! So what's my next step? Life will keep on going, heavy heart or sad eyes...doesn't matter. The days will begin and they will end. And when I look in the mirror, I wonder...was this the purpose of my life? To hurt my loved ones and snatch their smiles right off of their faces? To see the contentment out of the tired eyes turn into fear and defeat?

I want to make a pact with myself. If I see a sign of hope, a sign that something can be done about of this disastrous situation, I will pick up my pieces and look up at the sky, be thankful for the sun and moon, for breathing fresh air, for having wonderful and healthy children, for a husband who may seem more like a roommate but at least he's there. I promise to look no further than a few feet and just be thankful. In my attempt to fix little things and straighten out petty obstacles, I lost my most valuable assets, I lost my dignity and sense of self worth. I have nothing else left to lose now!