Just start by forgiving and forgetting

How many times have you heard the words forgive and forget? As far back as I can remember, my mother (God rest her soul) always talked about forgiveness that it is important because it is what our Lord and savior Jesus Christ did for those who betrayed him to be honest I have a real difficulty trying to forgive I mean it's so easy you let go of the hate you let go of the hurt that has been inside your heart your head your soul and you're able to move on I've seen people do it I've heard people talk about how they can just easily forgive those who have betrayed them I have a real difficulty trying to forgive especially those who stabbed me in the back betrayed me and figuratively speaking just left out to die. I have so many former friends that I hold so much hatred towards them, and I don't wanna hold it anymore. I try to let it go, I try to move on, but out of nowhere those memories just come back, and they ignite that fire that I thought I put out.

But not as much as a fire that was started by a certain relative all because she believed I was a bastard child she targeted me, she made sure everyone excluded me, no one helped me she always played the innocent one but to be honest she was no saint herself; in fact all I could just think of is when I hear her name I refer to her as the ‘bitch’ And everyone in my family knew this because when I overheard she was arriving at a cousin's house I loudly announce how much I hated that bitch! Everyone was in shock when those words uttered out of my mouth, even my mother was in shock and when we left (I do not regret what I did) the bitch waved at me and said “good bye” I told her f*ck you and I gave her the middle finger, my mother asked in a sad voice why did I did that. I explained to her the grudge I held, the hatred I felt for her. I know it's important to forgive, and believe me, I'm trying, but every single time I go over that mountain, it's like I fall back down because forgiving is just something I haven't learned how to do. I wish I could be like other people and just let it go and move on. One thing I have learned is to avoid her when her name comes up. I either refer to her as that person or that individual, or I don't react at all.

I do the same thing for those former friends, one friend in particular, who, shockingly, several other people have held grudges against. So, let me ask you this? Have you learned to forgive and move on? If so, consider yourself lucky because I wish I could do that too. I wanna remove that hate, I wanna remove that grudge. I don't want my daughter to learn all of this that I held in my soul; I know they say you lead by example, but I really didn't have anybody to show me how to forgive. I mean, I would see my mom and tragically, after she forgave people, they would go right back to hurting her, and she would cry. It would make me angry. People make me sick, and there are just those who don't deserve my forgiveness, deserve my silence, and aren't allowed in my presence. But that's just my opinion.