Is Your Fight a 'Vicious Cycle'?

A friend once told me, "I feel like my husband and I are caught in a vicious cycle."

I asked her what was wrong.

She said that day it was just a small argument, but when sadness and anger welled up, it was like opening a filing cabinet in her mind—all the past grievances and disappointments came flooding back. She only wanted to talk about what happened that day, but she started recalling many unseen moments, and the more she thought about it, the angrier she became, until she couldn't help but confront her husband. The argument escalated, and he felt she was bringing up old issues, while she herself was confused: "I didn't mean to bring them up; those feelings just came flooding back."

This situation is very common, and it has a name: negative bias.

The human brain is naturally more sensitive to danger and negative information—it's a survival instinct. When emotions are ignited, the amygdala automatically recalls all similar painful memories, reminding us to protect ourselves. But in close relationships, this protection often acts like a wall: we only see the other person's weaknesses, unable to see their efforts and tenderness.

Communicating in this state easily breaches the other person's defenses, leading both of you into an even bigger argument.

🌑 How to Avoid Being Swallowed by This Dark Tide

Protect yourself first, don't rush into conversation

When emotions are overwhelming, first bring your body back to safety: exhale slowly, making the exhale a little longer than the inhale (try abdominal breathing, inhaling for four seconds and exhaling for eight seconds); or go get a glass of water and stretch. Give your brain time to step back from its defensive state.

Allow yourself to be hurt

Tell yourself, "I didn't mean to attack; I was just touched by the pain." Just this sentence can help prevent emotions from spiraling out of control. (Settle your emotions.)

Write down the memories that flood your mind

If many fragments come to mind at the same time, write them down first, then ask yourself, "Which one truly affected me this time?" Slowly sort them out before deciding whether to talk about them.

Communicate using your current feelings

Try expressing it like this: "What you just said made me feel lonely and reminded me of some past anxieties. I need to be heard right now." This is easier for the other person to understand than saying, "You always..." (Use consistent language.)

✨ Moving the Brain from a "Negative Algorithm" to a "Complete Algorithm"

Recall Three Things to Be Grateful For

After calming down, consciously recall three small acts of kindness from your partner recently to combat the brain's habit of only remembering the negatives. (Build positive neural connections in the brain.)

Immediate Gratitude

When you see your partner do something, casually say "thank you." These small positive feedbacks help the brain build new, secure connections.

Regular "Emotional Clearing Sessions"

Set aside 10 minutes each week to share the most appreciated moment and the most difficult moment of the week. Update each other's emotional maps.

If you can consistently practice "saying appreciation" every day, you are actually reorganizing your brain. Saying to your partner, "Thank you for picking up the kids," or "That sentence you said today made me feel supported," creates new records in the brain regarding the relationship. The next time a conflict arises, in addition to the hurtful image, the brain may also remember, "He/She cared about me."

🩹 Small Repairs After Conflict

Wait until emotions have calmed down before approaching again. Try saying this:

"I was too hasty just now and scared you."

"I'm sorry, I made you feel like I only remember the bad things."

"Next time, if I get very emotional, please give me some time to process things before we talk."

Each repair is a new experience of safety; the brain will slowly learn that arguments aren't necessarily dangerous, and can even bring you closer.

Sometimes when we bring up past grievances, it's not to hurt anyone, but to hope that someone can see that those wounds once existed.

A gentle question for you, the reader: In the moment of an argument or when you're hurt, what do you most want to be seen?

Thank you for reading!