I thought I loved myself enough

Why a woman should learn to love herself

Growing up I always thought I loved myself until I had my first boyfriend. I thought I was strong, confident and self assured until he proved me wrong. I thought I could trust him because he loved me and he made me feel special until the true definition was blurred unless he said it was so. You see a man, or in my case a narcissist will tell you you’re perfect, you’re his ideal type and how attractive you are. He will shower you with love, attention and affection. He will spend as much money needed to over compensate for the areas he lacks and he will take your body, when he wants to because you now belong to him.

My first boyfriend was a disappointment. He was much older than me and I thought he was mature because I thought I was mature for my age. He showered me with love and sweet words and touched me in ways I never thought I would. I had previous lovers that weren’t ever as serious as I wanted them to be, so when I met him and he wanted something serious with me so quickly I believed him. He even cried on our first date about his ex and somewhere in me wanted to protect this rare man who finally saw what I wanted every other guy to see, that I was worthy. With him being my first boyfriend, I didn't know what was acceptable and what wasn't. On only our second date, he took advantage of me and my body because of what he lacks in himself and his previous relationships and I forgave him.

I stupidly forgave him for taking what was mine simply because he saw the opportunity. I should’ve pushed him away. I should’ve ended it. I should have done so many things, but I didn’t and it’s because I didn’t think I’d get the “affection” I wanted again. I didn’t think someone would see the things he saw in me so I kept him in my life, but only more bad things kept happening. I really thought I loved myself, but I didn’t because for a man he talked way too much and i barely talk our whole relationship. He would talk about his ex’s so much that I felt like I knew them personally. He would talk about how much he cried and how alone he felt because he had cut off his friends and his family no longer recognized their son. I thought it was a phase and he would beg me not to be another person who gave up on him. I ignored so many red flags because I didn’t love myself. I didn’t respect myself and I didn’t think I could do better.

During our relationship he broke his phone and I lent him my old phone expecting him to get his own fixed. He didn’t and he had access to my whole life as well as very private information. Because he was so self absorbed and could only talk about himself and his past, he never took the time to truly learn about me, so when I gave him my phone, he went through everything including recovering old messages and pictures from my past that I deleted.

And then all of sudden we started having things in common and it felt like we knew each other, but it was all lies. I had to walk on eggshells because I couldn’t bring up things about him that bothered me, so when I searched on google “ signs of a healthy relationship” we got into a major fight about it because I should ask him about his actions instead of the internet. He didn’t want me talking to my friends or my sister about his actions because they would’ve influenced me. He even used my spiritual beliefs against me just so I wouldn’t leave.

I wasn't even happy in the relationship. For every mistake, he said he would make it up to me but that day never came.

I allowed so much bullshit from him simply because I didn’t love myself. He was an actual bum that I tried so hard to love hoping that he would change and that the red flags would soon flash green, but they never did. I only wanted to share a love with someone who would love me for me but he never took the time to get to know me. Because of my beliefs and his inability to understand them I was able to leave him without too much trauma, but other women aren’t so lucky to see the signs. When you truly love yourself, a man’s words will not raise what you should already feel about yourself. When you truly love yourself, the first sign of a red flag or “mistake”, you’ll leave him immediately. When you have found worth in yourself a man will think twice before attempting to trick because you'll be too demanding, or have high standards.

I am still trying to heal from what he put me through, so I hope my story will stop a young lady from dealing with a narcissist, who loves bombs you, gaslights you and who will make you feel like your soulmate when he only wants someone to suffer with him and heal him. You are not someone’s therapist. You can not be someone’s only friend/ person in their life. Consent to your body should always be asked for and if you are not 1000% sure you want to do anything sexual with him and he still talks you into it, that is wrong. If he does not put effort into getting to know you, taking you out on real dates and listens to you, he isn't worth it.

Do not have sex with this man until a year into the relationship and I truly stand by this because it will not be worth it, it will not be enjoyable, you will not cum and it will only cloud your judgement about him. This can always go both ways but this is simply my experience. Women, please really sit down, be single, love yourself and know what it means to truly love yourself, set firm boundaries, so that you don't get into a relationship/situation-ship with a guy that will lie to you to keep you as his puppet.

If you made it this far thank you for reading my story. Please leave a like, share it or even a tip if you feel the need to. I never want another woman or man to experience the things I felt, so please encourage one another to find true self love within and to not accept less than what you deserve.