I Have a Shy Child. What Do I Do Now?

Shyness also has a genetic component because the baby's temperament can predispose him to react in one way or another to new situations, but it also has a component that derives from the environment because the environment is responsible for shaping the child's character.

"The last thing parents think about when they expect their baby to be born is whether or not they are shy," says American psychologist Philip G. Zimbardo.

When we give birth to a child, we count the fingers; we look to see if he has two eyes, two hands, two legs, and we start a parent's life. Usually, the parents wait until some behavioral problems appear, and the child feels very uncomfortable (it is difficult for him to adapt to a new environment, he cannot make friends, he has school difficulties).

It is the main place where people get in touch with each other and succeed in this effort or not become social beings, for shy people/children shy. In that case, the "silent prison" of shyness can be a nightmare.

A non-shy person may wonder what it's like in a shy person's world, what it's like to be shy. Shy people may wonder if everyone shy is experiencing the same thing when the "red light" comes on.

The answer to the second question is "yes" and "no." Some shy people may be hesitant and insecure about each other; others may be a little embarrassed. Some "shy" people can hardly be said to be "shy." But at the extreme is the intense fear of people that can keep the shy person away from any social contact.

He is wondering how to recognize a shy child at school and home at the same time?

There seem to be some characteristics: the child may be compliant, submissive, may have a muffled voice, may speak a little, rarely share ideas/problems with others, even with siblings, or with parents, blush very easily, rarely establish interactions with others, you can find him somewhere playing alone, withdrawn, isolated from the group, with which it will be difficult for him to play, he can barely look you in the eye when he talks to you. Older people may prefer books and sit at home instead of friends.

It can be said that shyness is a "mental attitude" that predisposes people to be extremely concerned about social events (from others) and thus develops a sensitivity to the slightest sign of rejection. The key may be "difficulty communicating with others."

What are the possible causes of shyness?

You should know that shyness also has a genetic component because the baby's temperament can predispose him to react in one way or another to new situations, but it also has a component that derives from the environment because the environment is responsible for shaping the child's character.

The main problem is the parents' high expectations. Given the competitive nature of the society in which we live, it is difficult for some parents not to have high expectations from their child, who becomes the most visible symbol of his parents.

When the parents' expectations are too high, the children are programmed, from the start, to fail. The expectations must be under the child's age, his abilities, and what the child can do.

Children whose parents have too high expectations will internalize these expectations and impose them on themselves, becoming perfectionist adults who will not have the courage to try new things because, "If I don't do something perfectly, I better not do it. not at all."

A recommendation... the key to success is practice, so let the child TRY, DO!

Another possible cause may be conditioned, love. When parents associate their love with the success/performance of the child, the mind of the latter develops the idea, "I am good only to the extent that I am successful." We often hear, "If you're not good, I don't love you anymore!"

We might think that if parents 'expectations are too high to be a possible cause of shyness, then parents' expectations may not have such an effect. Fake!

Too low expectations from parents are as "harmful" as too high expectations because extremes have the same effect and are just as harmful. A 2-year-old needs to be dressed by his parents, but a 6-year-old cannot be considered acceptable.

To feel independent, a child needs to believe that he has alternatives and can do them. Parents are seen as experts by their children, and if one parent believes that their child cannot comb, shoe, brush their teeth, etc., then that child will internalize the parent's point of view (and even will not be able to).

How can we prevent children's shyness?

And if this is the case, how can we prevent the shyness of children, knowing that a shy child will be a shy adult, and his "impotence" now, the difficulties he has now will have, and when he grows up, when he will become adult, only they will be at another level (he will not make friends at work, he will be submissive, he will not be able to claim his rights, he will not be able to face any colleague or his boss. problems).

I recommend that you touch, caress the baby, the baby because studies show that those children whose mothers have responded to the emotional needs of the children have developed what is scientifically called "secure attachment" (Bowly - "Attachment Theory").

You can talk to the baby, the baby. Even if a child is too young to understand language, speaking, telling stories, singing will help him "set" a "moving social program" (Ph. Zimbardo).

When he grows up, help him understand and express his emotions and talk about them. This is very important for the development of emotional intelligence.

Love your child unconditionally. But, with all his love and understanding, he sets clear boundaries and disciplines positively. If you cannot set firm limits on a 3-4-year-old child, I wonder how this will happen when the child is 15 years old.

Teach him to be tolerant of himself and others. This is an important part of emotional intelligence as well. And all this facilitates the interaction between children, and they can make friends more easily (which inherently increases self-confidence and improves self-image).

Build confidence in yourself and other people. Children are confident if they are invested with confidence.

They trust people only when they are trusted and have learned this lesson. Prove that you trust your child, and he will be able to trust himself and others.

Pay attention to the child, let him understand that it is important and precious to you (although some children seem to need 110% of our attention) ... after all, it is really important and precious to us!

How to increase your child's self-confidence

The concept of "self-confidence" seems broad and difficult to "account for" to quantify. How do I increase my child's self-confidence? As I said earlier, teach him the lesson of trust, make him responsible.

When he is little, make him responsible for small things (maybe his stuffed animal, maybe his favorite doll, etc.). Pay attention to him, that is, listen to him when he has something to say, listen to him carefully and give him an answer. Love him, love him, love him!

In all this love, set clear and firm boundaries. Regardless of age, whether he is young or old, highlight the child's strengths (an example would be to praise him, simply, in front of friends and say what extraordinary things he can do, or how good thing X. The baby will feel great!) and encourage him all the time!

Encourage him to try something new whenever he has the opportunity or be the first to set the tone. Don't compare apples to pears; in other words, don't compare them to any other child because the beauty of the Universe is that we are unique, and life situations are particular. Hence, a comparison with another child is not fair at all.

You can play with plush animals; you can build a story to teach him to recognize his emotions and recognize the emotions of others.

Shyness can be overcome, so I recommend you be both the coach and your child's teammate on this road!