How to Make Listening Your Superpower

We all like and need to be listened to. It makes us feel important. And yet we do not know how to listen. We are not aware of the huge impact it can have on our personal and professional life, and we do not take action to improve such an important skill.

At work, being a better listener with our colleagues would be a game-changer. It would greatly reduce errors and improve our problem solving and decision making because we are capable of paying attention to what they have to say and we benefit from their skill and talent. It would increase our motivation and the motivation of those who surround us and make us be one step closer to the leader we would be willing to follow.

At home, being a better listener would make your significant other feel you closer, more supportive, and present. Arguments would be frequently diffused faster since you finally understand both points of view. As for your kids, they would feel they have a parent that is there for them, willing to listen and help on their journey through life.

“Listening builds friendships and careers. It saves money and marriages.” Dianne Schilling

Most of us think we are above-average listeners, just like we think we are above-average drivers, but, if we asked those around us what they think about our skills in both areas they would more than likely affirm we are not that great.

We have not been trained to listen. In school, we spend around 6 years of our lives learning to read but we spend a lot less time learning to speak and almost no attention is given to the skill of learning how to listen.

What’s funny is that we have two ears and only one mouth, shouldn’t we be doing twice as much listening as speaking? Why not try to learn how to actively listen?

Embrace the power of listening

Have you ever tried listening? I mean, really listening…? Listening with undivided attention to the person speaking to you?

We are not aware of the immense power of listening, and we hardly pay any attention to it. In a rushed world full of information and distractions, we are just not capable of actively listening to other people.

And, when we do listen, we are thinking about what we are going to say next when the other person finishes, or how we are going to show our disagreement, reply to their opinion or argument, or give them advice they are probably not looking for.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Steven Covey

If you want to make someone’s day better try asking them how they are and then patiently listen to them with undivided attention. Stop thinking about going to the grocery store or your plans for tonight. Be genuinely interested. Ask them questions, maintain eye contact with them, turn your body to face them, nod, and make them feel you think what they have to say is important.

They will feel like they are the center of attention and enjoy that temporary protagonism. When they finish talking they will probably say “wow!! That felt great!! What a great conversation!! I love talking to you!!”.

Next time they see you they will be thrilled because by making them feel listened to you have built a bond with them that will change your relationship forever.

Make it your “superpower”

Harnessing this “superpower” of listening is simple. Not easy, but simple. It just takes practice. Listening is a perfectly trainable skill. You just need to practice focusing on the other person. Try to understand what is on their mind and what message they are trying to get across, verbally, and non-verbally with their body language. Ask yourself how they feel, what are they saying, and if there is any underlying message.

Next time you are in a conversation try to…

Be present

When we listen we tend to do it without undivided attention and it shows. The person speaking to us might need us on the other side listening but we are normally thinking about going to get groceries or about the pending things we have on our to-do list.

“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” Simone Weil

Make a decided effort to pay attention to the person in front of you by facing them while they speak and avoid outside distractions like your cellphone, laptop, or looking out the window. Nod your head during the conversation and keep eye contact to show your interest. Make them feel that what they have to say is important to you and you are there to listen.

Paraphrase and reflect back

Occasionally use pauses made by the speaker to show that you are actively listening by repeating in your own words what they are saying. You can ask for clarification or for them to elaborate on something they said for a better understanding. You can say things like “So, let me make sure I understand. What you’re saying is…”

Give feedback

Provide reassurance and feedback during the conversation without interrupting them. Try to ask good questions on how they must have felt and to empathize without talking about a similar experience you may have had. Put yourself in their shoes and picture what they have gone through.

“So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.” Dale Carnegie

Think of yourself as a trampoline that bounces back their thoughts and feelings but amplifying their energy, actively supporting them, helping to clarify their thinking.

Be Open-Minded and Interested

Try to listen without judging or jumping to conclusions. Show respect and genuine interest in the speaker. Be interested in what they have to say. Be open to learning and curious about new ideas and opinions. You don’t have to agree with the speaker, but learning and understanding how they think and feel will allow you to get to know that person better and perhaps soften your disagreements.

Pay Attention to what they are not saying

Sometimes it is not so much what we say but how we say it. If you pay attention to the speaker’s non-verbal cues such as their tone, their facial expression, and their body language you will absorb a lot more information than what the speaker is saying. You will be able to see how they feel and perhaps pick up any underlying message or emotion.

Shut Up

This is crucial for listening. Remain quiet, take control of your brain, and stop guessing what the speaker is going to say next. Stop thinking about what you are going to say next or how you will provide advice or reply, and please, DO NOT try to finish their sentences!! Be patient. Even if your brain can process listening to words twice as fast as the speaker can speak them, remain silent and try to only speak to paraphrase or ask questions. Let the speaker drive the conversation at their own pace.

Avoid Offering Advice

We normally want to figure out our problems on our own and when we tell somebody our story we are not looking for their advice, we just want to be listened to. Take that into account when you are on the listening side and refrain from offering your advice unless they ask for it. They probably don’t want your advice and they might disagree or not like what you have to say making the whole conversation lose its purpose. Remember it is not about you. They just want somebody to listen to them.

If you feel you have the answer to all of their problems and feel like you must offer your opinion, ask first if they would like to hear what you have to say, but in general, shut up and refrain from providing your “solution”.

Don’t Steer The Conversation

Be generous. Do not take the helm of the conversation with deviating questions or take the topic where you want so that you can take over and talk about what you want. And, if the topic does deviate from the speaker’s desired track, do your best to ask questions that will redirect the conversation to the initial topic being discussed.

Finishing thoughts

We live in a world where attention has become scarce. We are skillfully trained masters of distraction and it has become difficult to find good listeners. We are all running around busy, constantly looking at our phones, trying to find a new distraction or just another dopamine rush from social media. We are not capable of being alone with our thoughts, let alone pay attention to someone else’s thoughts and feelings.

Since this is the norm, by becoming a better listener you will gain an amazing edge in life, personally and professionally. You will learn to understand other people and how they feel. If you are generous and you offer them your time and undivided attention, whether it is at home or at work, you will make them feel special, and you will build a strong bond that will greatly improve your relationships.

But don’t give them your advice. Just listen and watch, and nod and ask questions, try to feel what they feel and make them feel special. Try it! Listen!