how to make a married woman fall in love with you madly

how to make a married woman fall in love with you madly

It Started in the Office Kitchen: How I Coped With Falling in Love With a Married Woman

Disclaimer: This story is about emotional honesty, not encouragement of infidelity. It’s about understanding human vulnerability, emotional boundaries, and how to turn a painful attachment into personal growth. I believe in respecting the sanctity of others’ relationships.

It started, like many unexpected things do, with a glance—an innocent one, at first.

The office kitchen was unusually quiet that morning. I remember reaching for the same coffee pot just as she did. She smiled. I smiled back. Nothing dramatic. Just... a lingering eye contact that stayed with me long after I returned to my desk.

She was kind. Intelligent. Elegant in that calm, composed way that commands attention without asking for it. Over time, short conversations turned into longer ones. I found myself looking forward to those few minutes more than I should have.

And then one day, the weight of it hit me: I was falling for her. A married woman.

The Moment You Realize: It Hurts

There’s a very particular kind of ache that comes from longing for someone you know you can’t have—and shouldn’t have. It’s quiet. Shameful. Isolating. You don’t tell your friends. You can’t exactly ask your therapist, “How do I make her love me back?” without feeling like the villain in your own story.

But the feelings were real. That’s what made it worse.

I wasn’t proud of it. I felt embarrassed, confused, and overwhelmed. It didn’t help that she was kind to me—but not inappropriately so. She was simply a good person who didn’t know I was attaching meanings to moments she probably didn’t even remember.

What Psychology Says: The Unavailable Allure

So I did what I always do when I'm confused—I researched.

According to Dr. John Gottman, one of the world’s leading experts on relationships, emotional attraction often arises from emotional bids—small moments of connection that, when reciprocated, build trust and intimacy. Even small talk can become fertile ground for deeper feelings if repeated often.

But here’s the catch.

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, suggests that people with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may be more prone to falling for unavailable partners. For me, this was a lightning bolt of truth. I had a history of yearning for people who were emotionally distant—or, in this case, taken.

The attraction wasn't just about her. It was about what she represented: stability, grace, warmth. Things I felt I lacked in myself.

Drawing the Line: Respecting Her Boundaries (and My Own)

The turning point came the day she mentioned her anniversary.

She spoke with a quiet fondness about her husband. It was clear they had a deep bond. And as she spoke, I felt something unexpected: relief.

That day, I finally understood that pursuing her—either emotionally or physically—would not only cross a moral boundary, but it would hurt her, her marriage, and me.

This is where boundaries come into play, both ethical and emotional. According to the American Psychological Association, setting boundaries is a critical part of emotional health. I needed to stop nurturing my fantasy and start focusing on my own unmet emotional needs.

From Obsession to Ownership: Transforming the Desire

Let’s be honest—telling yourself “Stop thinking about her” is like telling a storm to calm down. Doesn’t work.

So instead of fighting the emotion, I decided to understand it. Therapist Esther Perel, known for her work on desire and infidelity, often says that attraction to the unavailable reflects our own deep longing—sometimes for novelty, sometimes for validation, often for self-connection.

So I started journaling:

What did I feel around her?

What needs did those feelings point to?

Was it love, or loneliness in disguise?

In one entry, I wrote:

"I want to be seen, admired, and understood—not just by her, but by someone. Anyone. And maybe most of all, by myself."

This realization was everything. My feelings weren’t wrong. But they weren’t about her—they were about me.

Tools That Helped Me Heal

Here are a few practices that helped me transform this unreciprocated love into a mirror for growth:

🧠 1. Attachment Style Work

I took an online attachment style quiz (try one from The Gottman Institute or PsychCentral). Realizing I had an anxious-preoccupied style helped me understand my craving for emotional closeness—even when it wasn’t available.

📝 2. Journaling Prompts

Every morning, I wrote for 10 minutes:

“What am I really feeling?”

“What does this feeling want to teach me?”

“How can I honor my feelings without acting on them?”

🤝 3. Therapy

With the help of a therapist, I reframed the situation—not as romantic failure, but emotional redirection.

🧘 4. Mindfulness & Detachment

I practiced observing my thoughts rather than engaging with them. Over time, the fantasy stopped playing on loop in my head.

Why We Fall for the Taken: A Deeper Look

Falling for a married woman (or man) often has less to do with them and more to do with what they symbolize.

According to a Psychology Today article by Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, we sometimes project idealized qualities onto people who are emotionally or situationally unavailable. It creates a kind of safe distance—we get the high of emotional intensity without the vulnerability of true intimacy.

For me, that was a bitter truth to accept: I was choosing someone I could never have... because on some level, I feared being fully seen or rejected.

Key Takeaway: Real Growth Begins With You

Loving someone you can’t have doesn’t make you broken. It makes you human.

But what you do with that love—that’s where your power lies.

In time, I stopped seeing her as “the one who got away” and started seeing her as “the mirror who showed me what I needed.” She never crossed a line. And I’m grateful for that, too.

She reminded me that desire can be beautiful—even when it can’t be fulfilled.

Call to Action

If you're reading this and silently struggling with feelings for someone you can’t have, ask yourself:

Are you really in love, or are you in love with a feeling?

What unmet needs does this attachment reveal?

Are you seeing connection—or escape?

✨ Don’t judge yourself for your emotions—but do hold yourself accountable for your actions.

You owe it to yourself to pursue love that loves you back. Respectfully. Openly. Fully.

Feel this helped you? Share it with someone who’s been there. Or leave a comment with your own story. You’re not alone—and your heart is not your enemy