how to know it's time for a divorce

how to know it's time for a divorce

When Unhappiness Feels Permanent

You wake up next to your spouse, but you feel alone. Conversations are transactional, affection has faded, and every attempt at connection ends in silence or conflict. Is this a rough patch—or is it the end of the road?

If you're asking yourself whether it's time to get a divorce, you're not alone—and your question is valid. Many people reach this crossroads and feel overwhelmed by fear, guilt, and uncertainty. In this guide, we’ll walk you through the subtle and not-so-subtle signs that may indicate it’s time to consider divorce—with compassion, clarity, and expert-backed insight.

The Evolving Nature of Marriage

Dr. Susan Pease Gadoua, a licensed therapist and co-author of The New I Do, reminds us that marriage is not static. “People evolve, and sometimes that growth happens in different directions,” she notes. “That doesn’t always mean failure—it means change.”

All marriages go through phases, but chronic unhappiness, emotional distance, or harmful patterns shouldn’t be dismissed as “just a phase.” Let’s explore how to tell the difference.

Key Signs It Might Be Time to Consider Divorce

1. Persistent Emotional Disconnection

Occasional arguments or stress are normal in any marriage. But when one or both partners feel emotionally abandoned over an extended period, this disconnect can signal a deeper issue.

“Emotional neglect is one of the most painful and invisible forms of relationship damage,” says Dr. Jonice Webb, a psychologist and author of Running on Empty. “If one partner feels like a roommate rather than a spouse for months or years, it’s worth examining seriously.”

You may notice:

A lack of meaningful conversation

Loss of shared interests or goals

Indifference to each other's emotional needs

2. Contempt or Hostility Has Replaced Respect

According to renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. This includes sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, or dismissive behavior.

When one or both partners stop showing basic respect, the foundation of the marriage begins to crumble. Hostility becomes the default, and even small disagreements escalate into damaging arguments.

3. You’ve Tried Therapy or Counseling Without Progress

Therapy can be transformative, but it’s not a magic fix. When both partners commit to growth, healing is possible. However, if you’ve:

Been to therapy for months or years

Tried different therapists or approaches

Seen little to no change in behavior, attitude, or communication

…it might be time to accept that staying together may not be the healthiest choice.

“Sometimes, therapy helps people realize they’re better apart than together,” says marriage counselor Dr. Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill. “And that realization is still a success story—just a different kind.”

4. Infidelity Has Shattered the Trust—and It's Not Repairing

While some couples recover from infidelity, others find the betrayal too deep. Rebuilding trust requires both partners to do intense emotional work, and forgiveness must be authentic—not forced.

If the affair is ongoing or if repeated betrayals have occurred, the relationship may no longer offer emotional safety.

5. You’re Staying Only for the Kids (or Financial Reasons)

While protecting children or avoiding financial disruption is a natural instinct, long-term unhappiness or dysfunction can harm everyone in the household.

“Children are highly attuned to emotional tension—even if you never fight in front of them,” says Dr. Laura Markham, clinical psychologist. “Modeling healthy relationships, even if that means separating, can be more beneficial than staying in a toxic marriage.”

6. You Can No Longer Imagine a Future Together

A powerful indicator is how you envision the future. Do you imagine peace only once you're apart? Do you daydream of a life where you’re no longer bound to this person? Does thinking about your spouse fill you with dread rather than comfort?

When hope fades and resentment grows, separation may become an emotional necessity rather than a failure.

Real-Life Scenarios

Case Study 1: Emotional Isolation

Rita, 42, had been married for 15 years. Her husband, Mark, was not abusive or unfaithful—but he had emotionally withdrawn after a job loss. For three years, their conversations consisted only of bills and child-rearing logistics. Despite therapy and many heartfelt talks, nothing changed.

“Eventually, I realized I was grieving someone who was still alive,” she shared. “I needed more than just co-parenting—I needed a partner.”

She filed for divorce and described it as “the hardest and healthiest decision” she ever made.

Case Study 2: Financial Dependency

James, 36, stayed in a financially one-sided marriage because he feared he couldn't support himself after divorce. Over time, resentment turned into anger, and emotional abuse began surfacing. When he finally confided in a therapist, he was encouraged to explore financial independence plans.

“My fear almost kept me stuck forever,” James said. “But with planning and support, I left. I’m finally rebuilding my life.”

When Divorce Is Not the First Step

It’s important to note: divorce should never be a rushed decision. Before making such a significant life change, ask yourself:

Have I clearly expressed my needs to my partner?

Have we truly tried to resolve these issues—with help if necessary?

Am I staying for fear, or because I genuinely believe things can improve?

Someimes, couples therapy, individual therapy, or temporary separation can bring clarity.

“Not every struggling marriage is broken beyond repair,” says Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a licensed therapist. “But ignoring chronic distress and hoping it resolves on its own often leads to deeper fractures.”

Call to Action: Prioritize Your Mental and Emotional Well-being

If this article resonates with your current experience, consider taking the following steps:

Seek therapy—whether individual or couples-based. A professional can help you sort your thoughts, fears, and hopes.

Talk to trusted people—friends, mentors, or support groups who can offer perspective.

Educate yourself—read books, watch expert talks, and explore options without pressure.

Create a safety plan if you are in an abusive relationship—this includes emotional, physical, or financial abuse.

Key Takeaways

Divorce is deeply personal. It doesn't mean failure—it can be an act of courage and self-respect.

Signs such as chronic emotional neglect, contempt, ongoing infidelity, and failed therapy may point toward separation.

Expert insight and case studies show that recognizing these signs is the first step toward healing, whether through reconciliation or parting ways.

Seeking therapy or professional advice can help clarify your next step—and you don’t have to make that step alone.

Additional Resources

American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT)

National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800-799-SAFE

Psychology Today Therapist Directory