Holiday Safety...

Prologue:

So I wrote the below. And contrary to the normal, I'm not asking you to read it. It's hard to read. I wrote it 24 hours ago, it's had 4 likes and 1 read and 1 comment which is long and beautifully poignant. But I suspect it won't have very many reads because we all want to think about the good things that can happen over the holidays not the bad. I have 74 subscribers, and it I think this speaks to statistics. 1 out of 74 can read this. I'm not trying to guilt anyone. The fact I can write this at all means I feel very safe in this space. So just read this prologue, you don't have to read the rest. But if you do, know I'm proud of you.

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The significant holidays are rapidly approaching. Thanksgiving is just a week away, followed by Christmas in a month. Families will come together, including close relatives such as siblings, grandparents, then in-laws, cousins, aunts, uncles, and nieces and nephews. Children will either play in the snow, if available, or gather indoors around gaming stations.

Many will be occupied with meal preparations, particularly the grand Thanksgiving feast complete with all its delectable accompaniments. There will be trips to the store for last-minute items that may have been overlooked on the grocery list, as well as potential hunting and fishing excursions. Families might also enjoy evening drives to admire holiday lights.

I express this sentiment because I hold deep care for all of you. These joyous holiday occasions often find everyone engaged in various tasks, whether assigned, such as cooking or shopping, or volunteered, like leading a hunting trip or taking children for last-minute gift shopping. This flurry of activity can be exhausting, necessitating some much-needed naps, especially if family members are visiting for an extended period.

The holiday season, typically a time for joy with family and friends, unfortunately coincides with an increase in incidents of childhood sexual assault. Most instances of childhood sexual assault are perpetrated by individuals known to the child, such as close or extended family members, friends, or trusted adults. This familiarity can hinder the victim's capacity to report the abuse. A significant number of childhood sexual assault cases remain unreported, with estimates suggesting that only a small fraction of victims come forward, often due to feelings of fear, shame, or a lack of comprehension regarding their circumstances. In my own experience, I was led to believe that such behavior was expected of little girls towards their uncles. The process unfolded gradually, which is why it is referred to as "grooming." Grooming can occur over an extended period, making it difficult for children to recognize the need to disclose their experiences, particularly since it does not align with the "stranger danger" narrative they have been taught. Recently, while at a store, I observed a bagger who appeared to have some mental challenges engaging with a young girl at the register, asking her age and smiling in a friendly manner. As the mother walked away, she cautioned her daughter never to speak to strangers. This reminded me of similar warnings I received in my childhood. A wave of sadness washed over me, as I realized that the person casually conversing in the shopping center, right in front of her mother, was unlikely to be the one committing such atrocious acts. It is, in fact, those whom the child knows that more times than not end up as the perpetrator.

Now I'm not just being overly cautious or paranoid. There is some evidence to suggest that instances of sexual assault increase during the holiday season.

Several factors contribute to this trend:

1. Increased Social Gatherings: The holiday season often involves more social events, parties, and gatherings where alcohol consumption may be higher. This can create environments where risky behaviors occur as inhibitions drop.

2. Stress and Emotional Strain: The holidays can be a stressful time for many individuals, leading to heightened emotions and sometimes aggressive behaviors. Stress can also impact decision-making and self-control.

3. Isolation: For some individuals, the holiday season can be a time of loneliness and isolation, which may make them more vulnerable to exploitation or abuse.

4. Distraction and Vigilance: During busy holiday periods, people may be less vigilant about their surroundings, potentially leading to increased opportunities for assault.

Number 4 is a very good point. There is an abundance of things to get done while family are visiting. It is very easy to lose site of what the children are doing, or allow them to go off with relative and friends to clear the house of foot traffic. I know it's a hard pill to swallow thinking that any one of your relatives could do such a thing to a child. But you can't hide your eyes and just hope there isn't a hidden predator in your family.

It will help if you remember a few basic things:

1. You can only really trust your child with yourself.

2. Strangers are not the only danger to your child.

3. Forewarned is forearmed*

*Education and awareness are crucial in preventing childhood sexual assault. Programs that teach children about consent, body autonomy, and how to seek help can be effective in reducing the incidence of assault.

To help protect your children from potential sexual predators, consider implementing the following preventive steps:

1. Open Communication: Foster an environment where your children feel safe discussing anything with you. Encourage them to share their feelings and experiences without fear of judgment.

2. Educate Your Children: Teach your children about body autonomy and the difference between safe and unsafe touches. Make sure they understand that they have the right to say no to any unwanted physical contact from any and all individual be it someone they know or don't know.

3. Set Boundaries: Establish clear rules about interactions with strangers, both online and offline. Make sure your children know not to share personal information with anyone they don’t know.

4. Monitor Online Activity: Keep an eye on your children's online interactions. Use parental controls and talk to them about the importance of privacy and being cautious about who they communicate with online.

5. Know Their Friends: Get to know your children’s friends and their families. Encourage play-dates in your home where you can supervise interactions.

6. Teach Internet Safety: Discuss the dangers of sharing personal information online and the importance of privacy settings on social media. Encourage them to talk to you if they encounter anything uncomfortable on or offline.

7. Be Involved: Stay engaged in your children's lives. Attend their activities, know their schedules, and be aware of all the adults they interact with be they doctors, teachers, clergy, or even relatives.

8. Trust Your Instincts: If something doesn’t feel right about a situation or person, trust your instincts and take action.

9. Role-Playing Scenarios: Practice scenarios with your children on how to respond if someone makes them uncomfortable. This can help them feel more prepared to handle such situations.

10. Emergency Plan: Establish a family emergency plan that includes safe words or signals your children can use if they feel threatened.

By taking these steps, you can help create a safer environment for your children and empower them to protect themselves.

But what about my child's right to privacy and individualism?

Won't I be too strict or harsh monitoring them so closely?

As a survivor of childhood sexual assault, I cannot tell you how much I wish I had been monitored more closely. How much I wish someone had told me about body autonomy and about being touched. No one did, ever. It was just “don't talk to strangers”, nothing more. Take it from me, this is the time of year it happens. If it has not already happened.

Keep in mind that children may not report sexual abuse for several reasons, including:

1. Fear of Not Being Believed: Many children worry that adults will dismiss their claims or not take them seriously.

2. Shame and Guilt: They may feel ashamed or guilty about the abuse, believing it is somehow their fault.

3. Fear of Consequences: Children might fear that reporting the abuse could lead to negative consequences for themselves or their families, such as the abuser being punished or removed from the home.

4. Lack of Understanding: Younger children may not fully understand that what is happening to them is wrong or abusive.

5. Manipulation by the Abuser: Abusers often manipulate children into silence, threatening them or making them feel special to maintain control.

6. Trust Issues: If the abuser is someone the child knows and trusts, they may struggle to reconcile their feelings and fear losing that relationship.

7. Cultural or Familial Factors: In some cultures or families, discussing sexual abuse is taboo, leading to silence.

8. Emotional and Psychological Impact: The trauma of abuse can lead to confusion, depression, or anxiety, making it difficult for children to articulate their experiences.

Understanding these barriers is crucial for creating supportive environments where children feel safe to speak out.

Below I will speak to each of the above reasons:

1. Fear of Not Being Believed: This concern may not be a prevalent now in 2024 as it was back in the 1960s and 1970s but it's still a concern especially if you have never given any type of talk to your children about their body autonomy. It doesn't hurt to have “the talk” every few years or maybe do a check in on how it is going.

2. Shame and Guilt: Once the grooming starts, there's no sexual contact other than hugging and more innocent seeming gestures, well, until there is. At that point the predator may warn the child that other adults would be mad at them, or punish them for the 'special' relationship. Since I don't remember why I didn't tell I can't really be very articulate on this topic.

3. Fear of Consequences: Again, I don't remember what I feared would happen. But I know that one of the primary fears maybe losing the person, especially if they are an immediate family member like a sibling or a parent.

4. Lack of Understanding: Dependent on how old the child is it can be extremely difficult to understand how someone you knew could be doing something wrong. When you are very young it is just a given that adults are right because they are adults.

5. Manipulation by the Abuser: Every child wants to feel special. Maybe their parents don't let them eat candy or ice cream but I assure you the Predator will. They will give the child whatever will make them happy in order to build trust and a establish a close bond.

6. Trust Issues: Again, there being no stranger danger present why wouldn't the child trust the predator? For some children up until the actual sexual contact there is no question in the trustworthiness of the predator.

7. Cultural or Familial Factors: Depending on what country you are in there could be some definite taboos about discussing the topic as well as in some more religious households.

8. Emotional and Psychological Impact: This is a hard one to comment on. I don't know exactly when I realized the fun was over. When the wrongness of what was happening set in and the shame took over.. But around that time we found out my mother was dying and I just didn't want to cause unnecessary drama in her life or at least that was my 11 year old reasoning. Children don't know what trauma is. They just know they are trapped in a situation they never should have been in and the trouble they get in could be more devastating than the things currently happening to them.

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I'm not an expert on childhood sexual assault. I'm just a survivor who knows what would have helped me. So I beg you, try to deal with this at an early age for your children's sake. When they are 50+ years old they'll thank you for keeping them safe, this I'm sure of.

Thanks for reading this. - Sam

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