Fucked Up Love

I fell in love with Joey when I was 14 years old. He was 16, tall, handsome, on the varsity football team, and a grade ahead of me in school. I didn’t think I’d seen anyone so handsome before. Being the new girl I couldn’t think of a better way to get myself established in high school.

We loved each-other deeply; it was a very serious, intense relationship for being so young. Joey and I were soulmates, we had the exact same fucked up sense of humor. He always made me laugh. We had similar childhoods so we understood trauma together. He was sweet to me. I remember on our 1 month anniversary he brought me flowers and a cute teddy bear to my house. I went to every football game I could to cheer him on. I genuinely thought in my heart that we would be together forever.

One night Joey decided to not return any of my text messages. Why? Because he was at his ex’s house. Supposedly playing video games. Which even at 14 I knew was total horse shit. You shouldn’t even be at your ex’s house to begin with. That is when I broke it off.

Flash forward three months and I learn that I am pregnant. I just turned 15 and I was horrible sick with mono. The hospital test was the only reason I found out. I had to tell my parents, and Joey. But he didn’t believe me. He denied it. Which broke my heart even more.

My parents ended up going to his grandparents so they would force him to deal with this. It seemed like everyone made a decision for me and I didn’t get a say- the only choice to both of our families was an abortion. Those next few weeks were a sad blur. We had to drive out of state in order to get the procedure done, and it takes more than one visit. This has made me despise the state laws requiring a waiting period. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it was for protestors to stare and yell at me as I walked in. Although it wasn’t my choice, I was doing nothing that hurt those people or their families. I did nothing that would alter their life in any way besides that I didn’t follow THEIR religious beliefs. And that is no one right to push on someone. I have a right to my body- no one else does.

After it was done my family moved away out of state shortly after. Joey and I always kept touch, even in relationships we would shoot a text just to say hello. We shared this awful connection because of our teenage years, and it’s something we just couldn’t let go of.

I went to visit him when I was 23. I drove from Colorado to New York by myself to see him and it was the best weekend ever. It was a like we skipped all the bad shit and just went back to being kids again. We laughed endlessly and had fantastic sex. We decided it was time to date again, even long distance. But it didn’t last for long when Joey’s baby momma took him to court over custody because she didn’t like me. We kept talking but didn’t make our relationship public.

There were a lot of ups and down between 23 and 26 for me. Joey is not a good communicator and shut me out a lot of the time. It was hard to deal with because I just wanted to be there to help but he wouldn’t let me in.

I decided to promote out of state so I could be with him. I knew that he was my soulmate and that no one else gets me the way he does. I felt like it was what I needed.

Before the big move I decided to fly up to see him. He picked me up from the airport and hugged me. He brought his daughter too so I got to see her again. He played music and handed me his phone to change the song. I asked what his password was and he responded “it’s xxxx, I have nothing to hide.”

The nothing to hide statement immediately threw me off. Why would you have something to hide? Why even make that comment? I worried that I was paranoid and tried to brush it off.

We spent a day with his daughter and had the rest of the weekend to ourselves. On Saturday night after our hilariously fun acid trip, Joey fell asleep.

I grabbed his phone.

It wasn’t shocking to see what I saw, because I was expecting it. A girl who is a thousand miles away would never know that he was ignoring her to fuck someone else. Texts and calls unanswered because he was “sleeping” is what I always believed. I wouldn’t have ever known that he fucked her a day before I got there if I hadn’t have looked. He recorded and took so many photos of her it felt disgusting to even look at. If only he had deleted his deleted photos I truly would have never known. Thanks iPhone.

I confronted him about it and he lied about everything. So in the end I am glad that I looked. The drive back to the airport was awkward to say the least.

It’s not true that 12 years of feelings are just gone. They are still there and the memories pain me every day. How could someone who claimed they love you and let you spend time with their kid do such heinous, nasty things? How could you ignore the one you love to shove your cock down some random’s throat?

I chalk it up to age and experience. I think I held onto feelings from my teenage years and had such a grand idea of love and soulmates I didn’t allow myself to see the red flags. He put in no effort. His words were not backed by actions. There was only ever follow through on my end.

I hope this story inspires others to leave people who do not treat them right. Being alone is better than being with someone destructive who only brings you down. Over the years I have learned to love myself and love being alone, but I am still not over the heartbreak of betrayal. Relationships are about compassion, empathy, respect, loyalty, reciprocity, and most importantly love.