Dancing With Your Ghost

I have yelled at the sky and screamed at the world in a futile attempt to bring you back. How am I supposed to get past this?

I stay up all night and tell myself that I’m okay. I never got to say goodbye, and now I say goodbye and cry every night in my dreams. I have to move on but it’s so hard and it hurts to even try. How am I supposed to love again? How am I supposed to keep living as if my heart wasn’t ripped apart at the seams? Am I supposed to fake it for the rest of my life? Because I can’t.

My head feels like it is in the clouds. My feet feel like they’re stuck standing in the spot I last got to hold you in. The spot that I never want to leave. I almost feel like it is sometimes easier to hate you for leaving me. I need to start blocking out these thoughts of you so I don’t lose my mind. Our memories play like a movie that remind me I’m alone again.

I remember your laugh. I remember how your arms felt wrapped around me. I remember the days when I scared the shit out of you popping out of the bathroom closet. I remember your screams on the roller coasters at six flags. I remember taking midnight walks around the neighborhood. All things I wish I could wipe from my brain now.

I know I’ll never get an answer. I keep seeing your friends around town and they give me looks of pity, but no one talks.

I found your sweatshirt in the dirty clothes but I can’t bear to wash them, I’d rather sleep in the pile of them. Your toothbrush is on the bathroom counter too, right next to mine. I can’t move either one because it feels like you’re still with me.

It’s like you’re haunting me. I hear noises in the hall, and noises on the stairs. I feel my hair stand up when I think I hear your voice. I wish I could magically make my way to you just to see you one more time so I know you were real and I’m not crazy. Please come out of hiding and stop tricking me. Heaven only knows where you are now.

You were always harder to truly see. So difficult to get the real you out of the perfect persona you created. I wish you were more open with me and maybe this wouldn’t have happened.

Now at night I put our record on and wait until I hear our song, just so I can dance with your ghost. We dance together for hours until my tears run out and my legs can’t keep me up anymore. I don’t get out of my bed and I don’t want to see a doctor. I just want you here.

I wish you were dead, but really you just left. I’ll never know why, or know if it was something I did. Were you tired of me? Was I too loud? Did I talk too much? Did you find someone better? Why couldn’t you say something? Or leave a note? Or even better, take me with you? It’s lonely when it’s only me in my room. Do you know that I still think about you? It makes me sick that I can’t let you go. What did I do to deserve this from you?

I don’t hate you but I need to learn to. And until I learn how, I will be here still dancing with your ghost.