Five Misconceptions About Setting Boundaries

“Personal boundaries define you as an individual. They are statements of what you will or won’t do, what you like and don’t like, how far you will or won’t go, how close someone can get to you or how close you will get to another person . . . they are your value system in action.” — Gary and Joy Lundberg

My best friend from grade school was of the controlling kind. She treated me like a sidekick, jokingly referred to herself as a “master” many times, and second-guessed everything I did or said. We were the same age and yet she acted like a wise sage and treated me like a silly little girl.

When we went to different high-schools and I started forming other friendships, she told me repeatedly that these “new girls” were faking it and didn’t really like me, and in the end, I would be all alone. Except for her. She would always be my friend, my only friend, she said.

By that point, I had finally started to push back and challenge her. It did not go well. To her, I was just confused. Brainwashed by my new friends. The more I stood up for myself, the more intense, angry, and possessive she became. My autonomy was offensive to her and something to be squashed.

So I ghosted her. I felt guilty about it for years. And it took me even longer to re-learn the value of setting boundaries.

There is a lot of guilt that comes with setting boundaries and pulling away when these boundaries are violated. Especially if you were not raised to stand up for yourself and if you were taught to always compromise, either because you’re the “older child” or “a girl” or your parents simply took every sign of autonomy as “talking back.”

But setting boundaries is one of the most natural and instinctual behaviors. Every animal does it. Even plants do it. In the complicated world of human relationships, however, this is one of the many instincts we have managed to distort.

Here are 5 of the most prevalent misconceptions about setting boundaries that might be stopping you from standing up for yourself.

It’s unnecessary in close relationships

Many people look at intimate and close relationships as something you reach when you pass through a gate. Once you’re in, you’re in. Then it becomes natural to feel entitled to the other person’s thoughts and feelings, make them feel like they’re being silly if they refuse to share something, even go as far as going through their phone or email, because what would they want to hide anyway?

People who get caught up in such dynamics — either on the giving or receiving end — tend to have at least some history with enmeshment in their childhood.

Enmeshment, also known by its more alarming name, “emotional incest,” occurs in families with very poor boundaries between parent and child. In enmeshed families, the parent treats the child like a confidant and overshares their problems, controls the child’s choices and expression of individuality, maintains control through guilt and shame, and demands fierce loyalty.

And any attempt by the child to set personal boundaries is seen by the parent as a grave betrayal.

People who are raised in such a cauldron grow up to believe that this is what love looks like. So they either become the controlling person in their relationships or seek out a controlling partner.

The truth is that healthy boundaries should be one of the main building blocks of a close relationship. They are not something that you can stop worrying about once you’re “in.” Exactly the opposite, they need to always be on the table and both people in the relationship should be able to communicate them without judgment.

It’s about the other person

One of the biggest fallacies about boundaries that underpins all the other misconceptions is that it’s all about the other person.

No. Your boundaries are about you. What you tolerate and what you can live with. If another person crosses a boundary, by standing up for yourself you are asserting your own individuality.

In other words, setting boundaries is an act of self-care and self-protection. It is not an act of punishment.

This is a grey area in human relationships and often it’s difficult to tell healthy behavior apart from abusive behavior.

A good example is the contrast between getting some space and the “silent treatment.” You are in the middle of an argument and realize things are getting heated. If you say “I need to cool down, I’m going for a walk, let’s talk in an hour,” this is healthy boundary setting. If you shut down and sulk, refusing to engage with your partner for hours or even days until they reach out to you with an apology, then what you’re doing has nothing to do with setting boundaries.

In the first example, you communicated your needs. In the second example, you attempted to control the entire situation.

And here is the crux of it. Setting boundaries is about you. It’s about your inner peace or sense of safety and sanity. It is not about controlling the reactions of the other person.

It means you’re undependable

“If you want to live an authentic, meaningful life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upsetting others, hurting feelings, and living with the reality that some people just won’t like you.” — Cheryl Richardson

People-pleasers have a big problem with asserting their boundaries. A big reason for this is that they cannot tolerate the thought of letting someone down.

In the short-term, the pain of saying “no” is greater than the pain of violating your own needs.

But in the long-term, an ironic thing happens. It is exactly the act of not respecting your limits that will eventually make you undependable.

When you can’t say “no,” it becomes increasingly more difficult to keep your promises when you say “yes.” Outside of your conscious control, exhaustion and resentment inevitably start mounting and you will inadvertently start forgetting and sabotaging things.

Being dependable means one simple thing: You promise to do something when you know you can do it. If you know you can’t do it and still promise it, then you are gambling. And while it might seem like a stretch, it is dehumanizing to yourself, because at its essence it means that you can’t admit your human limitations.

A truly dependable person is one who feels solid in their center. This can only be achieved by setting healthy boundaries.

It’s mean or aggressive

In their negative interpretations, the words “meanness” and “aggression” convey unfair and unprovoked hostility.

There is nothing unfair or unprovoked about setting boundaries. People’s behavior tends to inadvertently spill over our boundaries all the time. Humans are very social beings and yet each one of us has strictly individual needs around autonomy and personal space. Communicating about this with clarity is a sign of healthy relationships.

Often, when someone violates our boundaries and ignores our pleas repeatedly, we react out of a place of rage. Is that mean or aggressive? Sometimes. But the constant invasion of your personal space is a form of aggression too. To quote Marie-Louise von Franz, one of the most prominent Jungians, “anger is given to us like claws and teeth, to protect ourselves.”

As long as you’re not physically or emotionally violent to the other person, taking action to protect your boundaries is fair game.

It’s forever

“Boundary setting helps you prioritize your needs over other people’s wants.” — Lauren Kenson

There is a perceived sense of finality to boundary setting.

Especially if you’re doing it to a person who doesn’t have much respect for boundaries to begin with. For example, you might have a mother-in-law who has an emergency key to your home but lets herself in whenever she wants. Or a friend who likes prying into people’s sex lives and grilling them for details no matter how uncomfortable they feel. Such individuals are tolerated by their family or inner circle with a simple excuse, “This is just who she is.”

So if you set a boundary, it turns into a rejection of who this person is.

You can tell the mother-in-law, “I don’t feel comfortable with you coming unannounced, can you call before visiting?” A very common reaction would be if she declares that she’s never coming to your house ever again since this is what you want. Or she might cry about how she was just wanting to help and she mistakingly thought this was a tight-knit loving family. It’s not about your comfort or boundaries. It’s about her.

Even in situations with smaller stakes, the very idea of setting boundaries invokes the image of an irreparable rift.

But your comfort levels can change. In fact, if you feel safe and your boundaries are respected, you might naturally want to expand them.

Boundaries are not necessarily forever. They can be very fluid. But only you get to decide what they are and when they change.

Learn From Cats

Cats are notorious for playing “hard to get,” for being “cold,” and for sometimes only tolerating a few pets before they walk away or pounce at you.

The reality is that cats protect their comfort. Their skin is very sensitive, akin to the skin on your fingertips, so for them, pleasure can turn into discomfort or even pain very quickly.

In other words, they set boundaries because of their own needs. Not because they want to play mind-games with humans.

And yet, they used to be deified in Egypt and one can argue they are still largely being treated like Gods in modern times. By people who get them and enjoy their independent nature.

And this is the biggest takeaway. If you protect your boundaries, you will be surrounded by people who celebrate you for who you are.