Finding the Confident Me

In case you wondered, the pussycat is me. I have been for most of my life crippled with insecurity and self-doubt. I have been yearning and desperately longing to find that lion that I know exist within me. What will it take, I wonder to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and see this magnificently fierce and confident lion? The confident lion that is me. I can hear my mother in my ear, speaking to the accomplished, strong and beautiful daughter she raised or my sisters echoing that sentiment as they try to lift me from yet another pity party that I find myself in. The truth is I never figured how important it was to do the work it required to be confident. I always figured that I would wake up and automatically feel this way. That somehow, all the voices from my loved ones will suddenly stick and I will begin to feel this somewhat illusive feeling of confidence. How funny, that we would believe that everything in our world from the great career, husband, and kids would require hard work but not confidence.

Yes, confidence is work. My journey started with a job that I literally wanted to excel at. I wanted to be a real superstar. However, I had no idea that to be great, I need to do the “confidence work”. My posture was the same every day. I wore a very forgettable and plain blue or black suit and would find a seat in the back that promised invisibility. I always had writing materials to take notes. On a very uneventful day, I took my seat in the back with a notepad. Out of the blue, absolutely unexpected, the Senior Manager calls my name. I am completely dumfounded and, in that moment, forced to rise to my feet. I looked around the room and could feel all eyes on me. I wanted the floor to open up and take me within its depths.

I could hear the Senior Manager repeat the question, “Sherri, what do you think?” I looked at him and I could feel my lips move and I uttered a completely incoherent response riddled with “ahs” and ‘ums’ and quickly lowered my myself into the seat. I remembered keeping my head bowed, trying not to let the world see my obvious humiliation” What happened to me? How could I allow my very unsure being to take over. It was then I knew I needed to do work to be confident. I know many people will say that you have to tell yourself confident things every day. That is certainly part of it. However, the work is so much more involved. This work (by the way I am still engaged in the work) are very deliberate steps that I take. First step in this direction, was figuring that I have a voice. As important as everyone’s voices have been in my life; I never really tapped into my own voice. What does that even mean to find my voice. It started with realizing that for so long, I had become comfortable and yes lazy by virtually having others speak for me. I loved that everyone else was asked to answer a question I could answer. I loved to defer the question to someone else perhaps someone more eloquent and better understood. However, doing that made me feel like a complete loser. I would compare their response to the one in my head and thought if I had found the courage to raise my hand, stand, and utter that response. Oh the possibilities are endless, I would no longer be overlooked, invisible and misunderstood. They will see me the way I longed to see myself, smart, beautiful, articulate and yes confident. Yes, something that said without a doubt that I believe in me and I have no problem introducing me to the world.

This confidence work; only I can do for myself. With trepidation, I stepped onto a Toastmasters stage. I would pick speeches that forced me to have perspective. It was no longer okay to be neutral about everything. It forced me to think provocatively about what matters to me. If I am to build confidence, what then do I want my platform to be. Who am I? Yes, one of life’s toughest questions. I was not interested in having a voice that would just merely resemble every voice I had ever heard. I wanted to tap into my unique sound, my unique perspective, a purpose that is yes unlike any other. My confidence has to emanate from a place that is truly authentic and truly me. It has to start with an almost mindless indifference to what others may think. I started evaluating how I like my eggs and not offer a response that makes me agreeable to the person I am talking to. Instead of going with a popular response to everything, I started to introspectively think how it makes me feel. Doing this work, not denying my own inner conviction in this irrepressible need to fit in is where my confidence was born.

I could say it, my truth, yes, as unpopular, as it may be. I didn’t die, and I feared that would be my fate. I stood up and lived to see another day. As I continue on this journey and I am still on this journey, I realize that my confidence is a choice. Everyday I have to choose. I have to choose to let confidence obliterate fear and to silence my insecurity and self-doubt. I started to socially distance myself from negative people, insecure people and form meaningful relationships with people whose very being represented confidence. Their messages verbal and nonverbal offered the catalyst I needed to distance myself from the pussycat image and truly strive to become that fierce and confident lion.

How do you all see yourself? How would you rate your confidence from a scale of 1-10? If not the score that you want, remember only you can do the work that is needed to truly become confident. Do not shy away from the work. Do not be fooled into believing that confidence is just a feeling that would last a lifetime. It is a choice that you make every day. Always choose to be confident.