Endings are necessary for growth

Amidst a riotous cacophony of emotions, of distress and tentativeness, I reach deep into my soul to find the strength to end yet another chapter in my book of life, and prepare to embark on a new journey. It is truly hard, upending oneself from years of comfortable repose, ease and a false sense of security.

I fear that I have gone through the basic steps of loss. These stages do not necessarily mean a literal death. But rather, the hypothetical death of one of life's many unforeseen upheavals.

The stages:

1. Disbelief and shock

2. Denial

3. Guilt and pain

4. Bargaining

5. Anger

6. Depression

7. Acceptance

In my case I went through my own stages differently, in an upside down kind of way, it went something like, 5,1,2,3,6,4,7 and many a return to sixes.

Even though I am certain that I have to leave this situation that is sucking the life out of me, or rather, I need to leave, it is a bitter sweet pill to swallow.

I have to leave a job I really have no great love for anymore. But I am grateful that it was there through the stresses and turmoil of the Corona virus trials and heartbreaks.

I have to leave a newfound joyous new love behind to go and fulfill my obligations. As the situation has unfolded, I am fairly certain that I may never see him again. It is severely complicated.

Consider Murphy's Law. 'If something can happen, it will'.

I do not skip to work anymore, like I used to. I fight an overwhelming desire to keep on sleeping, and literally drag myself through the necessary morning rituals required to face a long and tedious day. After all, people depend on my presence to navigate the nuances of a job in the service of our dedicated Service members. The Military. We have to take care of them, no matter the cost.

I am considered an essential worker. I am burnt out.

Despite my best effort to rally on, this particular morning brought Mr. Murphy's law to bear.

One misunderstood conversation, words misinterpreted, and my whole mindset and plans went into a complete three hundred and sixty degree tailspin. Reports were made, words were not properly validated, and reprimands were somehow thrown into the mix.

The time has come to make my exit.

I have heard it said that if you want to make your creator laugh, tell him (or her) your plans.

Wow! Mr. Murphy. I had just met someone who made my heart beat out of rhythm. My heart was singing. There were extenuating circumstances which precluded the slightest chance that I could stay, or that he could come away with me.

"If something can happen, it will"

Gain, but loss.

I gain because I am moving on. I lose because I really care for this rare flower that pitter patters over my heart.

It hurts.

I slowly prepare to make my exit. I stress, I shed tears of joy and heartbreak, but it has to be accomplished. This new chapter is best for me.

The cost is high.

The reward must be worth the sacrifice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Hope springs eternal in the human breast'. (Alexander Pope):

"Hope humbly then; with trembling pinions soar;

Wait the great teacher death, and God adore.

What future bliss, he gives not thee to know,

But gives that hope to be thy blessing now.

Hope springs eternal in the human breast:

Man never is, but always to be blest:

The soul, uneasy and confin’d from home,

Rests and expatiates in a life to come."~~~~~~~

From this black hole, I see a light emerging.

The packing up and trying to sort through the many memorabilia that have been one's prized possession, and stressing on what to keep and what to discard or give away grates on my nerves.

Moving is another source of pain that cannot be avoided.

Just let it be over soon.

Over that hurdle I have triumphantly soared, no more tears for material things. I have made myself promise this to my psyche.

I go now, leaving behind my loss and rally towards my gain, with a heart both singing and sighing.

Life throws crumbs at you when it has a mind to. It also throws hope and newness. It is our choice how we choose to mold our crumbs and prepare them for the new horizons which we choose to pursue.

Maybe my will, positivity and stubbornness will convince life to bring my new beau to me.

It is totally up to him to deal that deck, that is the only outcome.

For now, I face whatever comes what may.

This particular experience has emerged from my yet unwritten book as but a chapter in a long struggle for survival. I could regale you with the many moves and relocations that it has taken me and my son to finally emerge on the brighter side of our rainbowed horizon.

Our combined tears and disappointments have kept us strong and focused, we knew that failure was not an option.

As a single parent, and fervently trying to navigate and understand the workings of this foreign country that we inadvertently became denizens of, was a daunting task.

We were lied to, cheated out of hard earned wages, insulted, told to go back home, and were sometimes almost homeless. Somehow there were invisible guardians who always steered us in the direction from which help was obtained.

So I do not just have one story.

There have been many situations where we found our defining moments. They, together, forming life altering learning curves, have been our strength and motivation to succeed where everyone wanted us to believe that we did not have a fighting chance.

So here we are. My son is a successful career individual. His personality and kindness, despite the long hard trials, have made him advance in the ranks of his chosen profession in record time.

He needs my help now. There are little ones to consider.

What is strange is that the two situations juxtaposed themselves onto each other. My bad experience at work collided with my son's invitation to relocate and be there for his new family, as well as a chance for me to leave the stress a long way behind me.

Life's little upheavals should not be seen as negative occurrences, but rather as the universe advising us of new beginnings and new stories needing to be written.

I have recently thrown my hat into the arena of new entrepreneurs. I hope to find the courage to work from home and avoid the commuting to work scenario. Life has taken a full circle turn and we all have to start rethinking what makes us tick, and get out of our comfort zones.

A new horizon is coming into view.

I am marching to a new and different drummer.

Wish me luck.