Done Listening

It was a bright fall day in the humid Midwest. Cicadas were screaming and the air smelled like hay. An 8 year old girl tugged at her black shorts, feeling extremely uncomfortable. She felt strange and fat. Her legs felt huge. Her arms felt awkward. The shorts were cutting into her skin. She felt nonathletic and embarrassed to be there. She was getting her picture taken for soccer and was happy. She felt anxious and itchy. The sad part was, she liked soccer a lot. She liked sports a lot. She was an active girl but she had started to think she was not enough and too much at the same time. She wasn't stick thin like other girls and she was tall and awkward. She didn't like how her body felt... mostly because no one had told her it was okay to be in a body like hers. All the women around her dieted and all the men commented on the women's bodies. How was she supposed to know any different?

That's my memory and those are my thoughts. I have the photo from that day. Looking at this picture now I can't believe I thought I was fat. I can't believe that this was the start of my unhealthy thought process about myself. I was a little girl and I already had been taught that I wasn't good enough.

Twenty years later I am finally saying fuck you to all those ideas. I am athletic. I am enough. I am actually fat now...but that's okay. Or I am not fat and still think I am. The other day, my 8 year old told me I was "the perfect size for a grown up lady", and I just about died from shock...

If I am fat or was fat, it doesn't really matter. Here's what matters; if I am fat, if I have been fat, if I will be fat- I am still worthy. My body doesn't have to change to be worth more. I don't have to be the size of a teacup human to be of value. Those of you who are thin, make no mistake you are of value no matter how thin you naturally are. Your body is worthy no matter how big or small. We need to reclaim our worth from those who try to sell us products to change our perceived worth. Commercialism thrives on us hating ourselves. If we loved ourselves, there would be no diet industry.

For years and years I have struggled with eating disorders and shameful thoughts about food. This year I am finally saying enough. I will take care of my body properly and feed it what it needs, along with what it likes. I will exercise because I like it, not because I ate too many Oreo's. I am going to listen to my body, damn it, and stop trying to make it something it's not. I was unhappy at a size 8, I was unhappy at a size 14, and now at a size 10 /12 I am going to be happy and enjoy my life no matter if I shrink or grow. It's about not obsessing about food and exercise anymore. I need to live a life, not just pass through one.

Many in the plus size community may scoff at how small I am for a plus size person, but it's not about how we appear to others... it's about how we appear to ourselves. I will always think I'm huge and I will always think I'm clumsy. I've finally decided it's okay, even if I'm not huge or I'm not clumsy in real life, I'm okay as I am. I am great as I am. I've decided to be a little selfish and take my body and mind back. Which means I am no longer allowing diet culture to invade me. I don't want to read about it, hear about it, or think about it.

So, in the end no. NO I do not want to hear about how Keto is treating you. I do not want to hear how many steps you took. I do not want to hear about how you only had salad and water for lunch. I don't want to hear about how unhealthy it is to be 30 or 40 lbs overweight. If you are trying to be healthy, that's fine. I try to be healthy too, but I don't treat my body like the enemy. I'm done. It's too triggering to my mental health and causes too much spiraling. If a conversation starts going towards dieting, I'm opting out. If a person posts too many dieting selfies or memes, I'm unfollowing. As the FatChat Pod says, "The only diet you need to be on is a social media diet."

If this makes me big ole B, fine. If this makes me unhealthy, fine. If this makes me anything that doesn't fit into the box of what you deem acceptable, fine. At the end of the day I don't have to live with you. I have to live with myself and my own peace of mind. In order to be the person I want to be, the person I have to be, I need to let go of the toxic parts of me. If anyone doesn't like it, they don't have to look at me or speak to me.

Hopefully, the people who truly love and care for me won't give a s*** about how big or small I am. If anyone cares about someone else's size they have way too much time on their hands. If I shrink or grow, it's no one's business. It's about treating my body right and loving myself.

If you have felt how I felt and still sometimes feel, please don't give up. Start small with acceptance and eventually self-love will grow. Be healthy for your body and future, not to fit into the mold of society. If you are someone who comments on the weight and size of someone else... what are you doing? Get a hobby... or educate yourself... or just mind your own business. We can't force others to change, but we can change ourselves.