Dealing With Leftover Halloween Treats

So October’s spookiest day in much of the Western world has come and passed. The November sun is rising, the autumn breeze is swaying, and the climate outdoors is chillier than it was on average months ago.

Rather glaringly, though, you also happen to have a mega-sized bucketload of wrapped junk food in your vicinity which you doubt you’ll finish for a while — if you ever even manage to finish it at all. What do you do?

Whether you’re a parent who took your kids out to trick or treat, an older teenager with a passion for seasonal costuming, or just someone who stocked up on far too much candy to hand out to the neighbours, dealing with leftover Halloween treats can be a frustrating affair. Fortunately — there’s no need to suffer this way every single year!

This article will go over the myriad ways to handle your oodles of excess confectionery from the Halloween season. They’ve been tried, they’ve been tested, and best of all — they are 100 percent guaranteed to work! If not, something’s clearly wrong with either you or your head.

Eat It All In One Go

When you’ve got thousands of candies and potato chip bags to sort through, it is essential to declutter them as fast as possible. The simplest and most efficient way of doing this is to eat all of it in one goddamn go.

By “one go,” I mean one go. Finish it all in a single meal if possible. In fact, go make your treats the metaphorical bread and butter of your very dinner. Should that fail and you wish to throw up, just vomit and eat your remaining junk food more! If that doesn’t work? Do your binge again the next day!

You might be wondering, “isn’t this unhealthy for me?” Perhaps you may even be panicking about the sheer amount of sugar and (if chips and/or popcorn are involved) salt in your glorious meal.

However, it is wise to suppress the above pesky thoughts whenever they come up. They are merely distractions from the most important thing on the planet after Halloween: finishing your chosen nutritional supplies.

Throw It Out

Let’s say that, heaven forbid, you’re allergic to something in your treats. Nuts, milk, eggs, traces of those things: the list goes on. Eating your candy and chips might not be an option unless you wish to spend the rest of the week in a mediocre hospital bed.

Guess what? You simply don’t need to. Instead of consuming material your body’s messed up system mistakenly considers threatening, just throw it all away. Put it in a trash can; bury it in your backyard. Find some place to dispose of it, wherever you are.

Maybe you’re thinking about giving your extra treats to loved ones like family and friends so they can snack on it later. After all, wouldn’t it just be a waste of food to dump it in a landfill in the middle of nowhere? Well, I’m here to tell you this: that is a very, very bad idea.

Not only will they likely not finish them, but there’s a good chance they could even abandon you on the spot if you give them the wrong brands for the utterly heinous crime of not reading their minds so you’d know their true desires beforehand. Forget all those years of cherished memories and intimacy! Why would any of that matter if you choose to so deeply wrong them?

…

To conclude my masterful piece on leftover Halloween treats, I wish y’all good luck on getting rid of your candy. You’re gonna really need it.

Any other thoughts on this? Let me know in the comments!

*This article is satire. While I do sympathize with people who feel they have little choice but to throw out their leftover Halloween candy, I strongly discourage overconsumption of sugar and sodium. Please, I hope you don’t end up in the ER for overdosing on either of those nutrients.

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