Couple Life: Expectations versus Reality

It is sometimes said that in conflicting couples, partners "speak different languages." And maybe this expression is not entirely an exaggeration. Quite simply, in such situations, there are noticeable differences between the expectations that the partners have of each other and the things that they receive.

Usually, the dissatisfaction that arises in the couple is related to the interest shown to the partner ("does not listen to me", "does not interest him/her", "does not have initiatives"), to the way the partner ends up being perceived. as in the beginning "," changed ") or differences of opinion (on raising children or financial priorities).

What are the reasons why people become dissatisfied with their relationships?

The relationship may be built on scenarios or desires that do not materialize. They can take many forms:

• a future reality that should guarantee the couple's happiness ("I will change the other", "I will save the other");

• the continuation of a dysfunctional (sometimes toxic) relationship, which is not ended because the partners cannot accept that it has failed. They "insist" on maintaining the relationship, resorting to solutions that either maintain the problem or accentuate it;

• the impression that happiness in a couple depends only on the things that one of the partners does;

• the existence of major differences between the values ​​and plans of the partners. Although they are expected to harmonize over time, they often become more pronounced because they have not been addressed promptly (before making major decisions for the couple); this may include the decision to have or not to have children, or to adopt a certain lifestyle;

• fear of separation (loss), which nullifies the ability to express one or even both partners (people who think, for example: "If I say what I feel, my partner will get tired of me and decide to leave me").

Why do these unrealistic expectations arise?

People may end up having such expectations for several reasons. They are usually very seldom aware, so it is very difficult for them to self-correct. In some cases, it is about unhealthy models that they have adopted in various ways or the inability to learn from the inherited family pattern.

For example, if only one parent made decisions in the home family and the other had no say, the child may perpetuate this pattern in his or her own family (either waiting for the partner to make decisions or waiting for he is the only one who decides).

At other times, it is difficult to take responsibility for one's own decisions, happiness, and life. Assuming them and all that this entails (guilt, the pressure to change an unhealthy pattern) can become overwhelming.

These "gaps" in emotional hygiene listed above can be resolved, and there are currently resources needed to understand important notions such as needs, limitations, intrusiveness, or aggression. There is therefore the possibility that the vicious circle of inherited negative experiences may be broken.

But it is necessary for those in suffering to analyze their lives, to recognize the harm was done and the people who did it, to accept it, to overcome their suffering, and, further, to learn to live and relate healthily.

How can healthy or realistic expectations be built into married life?

For partners to be able to relate healthily and maturely, it is important first of all to be aware of themselves (or, if they are not, to be willing to know themselves). By understanding their wounds, vulnerabilities, and what triggers negative emotions, they will be able to relate much better.

Also, in long-term relationships, one of the challenges is to cope with the changes that occur over the years: the couple is a dynamic entity, which can function to the extent that each of the two is mature, respects the decisions made. together and invest in the couple (time, energy).

Throughout this journey, it is important to understand how one's own experiences shape the couple's expectations and decisions. Here, a good starting point is the resources of relational psychology or couple psychotherapy.