Chase drama or embrace calm

If someone told me my party girl days would end in my 30's I wouldn't have believed them.
When one of my friends reminds me that I was never this nice, I wouldn't have believed her.
If my Grandparents didn't step up my life wouldn't be what it was today. If someone told me I'd be crying over a man so late in my 40's I wouldn't have believed them.

I got married for all the wrong reasons.
I was trying so hard to escape a life that was out of control. Some nights were absolute blurs waking up to some random I had picked up in a bar. I had spent most of my teenaged years and well into my late 20's trying to numb a void.

A void that was so prominent.
That my risky behaviours could have gotten me in serious trouble.

I had my party friends, random people who gravitate to me..

I had my highschool friends who were oblivious to my ways.

Then I had my best friends who knew all my secrets.

I also had the multi list of men who were on the roster.

I spent time around people never knowing their true intentions. Always showing me a side of them, proving I was better off alone.

And relationships well… I was never shown what those actually consisted of.
Never did I feel loved by the hands that touched me. (Except once… and when he died a piece of me died too) It's not that I thought I didn't deserve love or happiness it's just that everytime I gave someone a chance it was a repetitive cycle.
That I just didn't give a fuck anymore.
That I allowed toxicity to get the best of me….until I changed my ways… for myself. Because I knew if I didn't my life wouldn't be as calm as it is today that I wouldn't be here writing, and I definitely wouldn't be making a difference in other's lives like I have been throughout my job.
Throughout those who remained in my life and saw me grow. Who are proud of me, support me and definitely those who check in on me.
In the past everyone assumed I was ok.
I never showed differently.
I kept going despite the drama that was bestowed upon me…my gentle heart broke repeatedly and everytime I patched it up and carried on without looking back…
I knew that watering a dead plant wouldn't give me a different outcome, I knew I had to change.



I wasn't perfect. I wasn't happy. I wasn't this woman who sits here now.

Believe me when I say this your past does not define you.

When I became a Mom my perspective changed.
I was responsible for another life, and it was time to change my ways and slowly pluck away at inner demons. Adapting, Slipping away from the life I only knew. And gravitating away from people who no longer fit this new version of me.
If someone told me I would be a single parent I wouldn't have believed them.

Solo because my trainwreck of a marriage was brief. I never loved him.
I loved once briefly.
He died.
And that's about when life for me changed.

Maybe not. My childhood was a blur, and most pictures I'm not smiling.

I started experimenting with a lot of things at the ripe age of 14.
I wanted to be anywhere else other than home.


If someone would have said that in my 40's I'd experience this uncertainty, this state that I thought no longer would surface that I would no longer encounter I wouldn't have believed them.

I was done healing. I dealt with my shit.
I knew what I wanted.

He was different or so I thought
He didn't make me anxious, or cautious to my words, my actions, I didn't have to walk on egg shells wondering what hell was about to erupt.
I could finally breathe and my mind, my heart was free.

If someone would have told me that he would have betrayed my trust, I wouldn't have believed them.

He truly needs to get a hold of what he wants in his life.

Chase the drama or embrace the calm.

Life tests us repeatedly.

Life sometimes shows you a different version of what you are used to. Tempting you, testing you.

I will never trust him the same. And if he truly wants me …that will take time, effort and consistency. My wall is already being rebuilt.

Something real, something calm and fun. But the wolves came huffing and puffing… I lived in this moment way too long in the past, it broke me, made me bitter and numb.

The toxicity. That maybe I was never this nice in the past but I conform, I adapt and no two versions are ever the same. Depends on how you treat me.

Make me feel safe, make me trust and watch me shine.

I deserve a happily ever after.

And I'm happy I changed, I am now a Grandma and watching her grow, her smile makes me glad I kept going….but I always had hope that when this time came I'd be in a loving relationship not single with uncertainty.

I thought by now my heart would be safe.
Because now I know I deserve it.
And the past is just that …..