Lines have been blurred

Can somebody explain the logistics of seeing someone?

I awoke to a female standing in his room as he and I were in bed. (Not the first time this situation has happened to me)

My dumbass stayed loyal through whatever this was, yet technically single and had options.

I never once talked to another guy let alone an ex.
It just didn't feel right, but at the same time every person in my life knew he existed. I didn't hide him. I had no reason to. You wonder why I have trust issues, and why did I think he would be different? Honestly I really hoped he would be. I wanted him to be. That I somehow convinced my mind that he was.


Here's where I am at.

Right now I've never felt so used in my life, felt like a secret, hidden away like some disposable toy..

People just don't let themselves in someone's home, without a previous invite or some green light that it was ok to do so.

His lack of words at that moment showed me his true colours, while he waited for mine to show…
Yet what you see is what you get from me, I haven't changed, I remain the same girl he met months ago…

He was so worried about me bringing drama into his world that he brought it on himself and me.

She obviously had other intentions. She was obviously under the impression that he wanted her there.
Why else would she have shown up?

Once again there is a lesson here…
I thought I was done with those.
Thought I was enough…
There wasn't false hope.
I was just doing what made me happy, what I thought was good for me.

I honestly don't know where I am going from here… but I can't live with uncertainty and doubt and right now I feel so betrayed.

He took advantage of my soft heart.
And he left me in this state of the in-between.

Alone trying to process my thoughts and what just occurred.

Actions speak louder than words…

Was I just a plaything to him, was I just some girl who meant nothing?

Or did he keep me around for his own ego?

Because I made him feel like a man and wanted.
Made him feel good…

But even talking to an ex or another girl while sleeping with someone else crosses a huge line for me…

Why?

Why did he think that was ok?

I hope she is worth it…

Worth losing probably the best thing that walked into his life and someone he will never come close to even meeting again.

My friends tell me to walk away to protect my heart. That his true colours came out…

And yes I needed someone to talk to…
Needed some clarification.

And they made me realise I'm worth so much more…too bad he couldn't see that..
He had his metaphorical cake and ate it too.
All the experience without the commitment.
While I stayed true to myself and him…

If he lets me walk away… so be it…
I can't force his hand.

If people want you in their lives they put you there, they don't hide you, or play with your life.
They remain genuine and show effort and consistency.

So his actions…will determine my next chapter and if he is a part of that world…

But this offer is soon to expire so he should proceed open heartedly..

But again right now I hate this state I'm in..
This feeling that yet another man played me..
And I am merely disposable.

Not knowing where you fit in someone's life is draining.
The lines have been blurred because what I do and what he did was the opposite.

I didn't bring drama, and maybe I'm a different breed or just fucked… but talking to someone is still being unfaithful.

Yes he and I weren't a couple but he wasn't just a booty call either…

It was a whole different dynamic.

I never would have done anything to possibly hurt his feelings so why did he think it was ok to play with mine? What if I would have done the same?


I was 100% upfront with him.
Every text, every person in my life he knew because I had nothing to hide, but him hiding her…
Well put yourself in my shoes…what would you think?
How would you feel?
And her not knowing about me..
If I ever become just an option don't choose me..
I'm not a 2nd prize.
I'm nobody's 2nd choice.
I deserve to be shown off, not hidden away like some secret…shameful and disrespectful.
Even though I was technically single… I treated him.like I wasn't.

Talking to another female, entertaining that…
Is still technically "cheating"... But how can it be cheating if we weren't a couple. Yet he liked this relationship we had, calm, fun and great sex…
But even with great sex and all that I still wasn't enough for him.

Together we were amazing, but even in the last couple weeks something was off…and I'm guessing she was the reason.

But I will never know and this version is my side every story has two sides…
Yes it was convenient, I had everything I needed.
But never was he a secret or did I ever contemplate communicating with another guy…

In chess the queen has free range, yet this queen didn't go looking for a knight.

He played me…
Stalemate.