Battling My Inner Demons

Do you ever feel like you're out of place somehow or that you're lost?

Because I do, every single day.

I can't lie, this has gotten easier and lessened with time but it seems this feeling just wont budge. I haven't had the best start in life, my father was an ass and I've never had many friends. People would call themselves my friends but they're not, they only care about themselves, number one. Who doesn't though I guess? So even though I've had many wonderful and not so wonderful people surround me and many great experiences, this feeling just wont go away. A persistence I only wish loyal people had. Yet there's not many of those either.

Like every kid, I was an awkward teen, I worried about how I looked, fitting into the crowd, beauty and of course, boys. I always had a smile on my face as I do as an adult, whether that smile is genuine or not because lets face it, fake it until you make it works just fine, no one ever seems to see through it. I never wanted to go to school [although I do miss school days now looking back at that], I only ever wanted to be out of the house to hang out with 'friends' and I was always on my phone scrolling through social media. It wasn't the easiest growing up with five siblings either, the constant bickering and fighting which was never ending. We all grew up in the end but that's like every family. I had a perfectly normal life which I cherish. Little did I know that would all change.

At 16 I started dating someone a little older than myself and for the first month or so I was always just so happy, so overwhelmed with these feelings. I genuinely thought I got lucky in love, okay no I didn't fall for him by this point but it was enough to get me wrapped up in all of those fine details, kind of like a stargaze, gaslighting. That soon changed after those amazing few weeks, he wanted his ex. Not me. We split up and he destroyed my self worth with his words, those hateful words I remember to this day and probably always will for the rest of my life. No child should ever have to hear such vile comments. Yet he came crawling back apologising and stupidly enough I 'forgave' him and took him back which is where it all began. I was no longer happy, I was constantly overthinking everything and had many scenarios in my head about him and whoever else or whatever else. He knew this, he used it to his advantage when he really did cheat but denied it all and blamed me for making it up. I was pushed around like a rag doll or at least it was never physical until this point anyway. I was constantly rethinking my worth, overtime he killed me from within. I only ever wanted it to stop but by this point I was way over my head and in too deep. I couldn't work up the courage to end things, I told myself I loved this person, that it's all in my head.

Had I'd known it was only worse from here anyway.

I'm not going to go into such great details from that point on, it's too painful but I finally got away in the end. It seemed as though my whole life was coming crashing down and all I could think was, why? What did I ever do to deserve all of this? I couldn't ever truly grasp that there was nothing ever wrong with me. I never deserved any of that abuse and I sure as hell am much, much better that he will ever be. No one should ever have to experience that kind of torture where you feel as though you're trapped and no one can hear you or see you truly.

As much as I understand that now and came to terms with things, I forgave someone who is not worthy of my forgiveness, just so I could move on with my life, hell I started to emotionally move on long before I manged to physically get out. After all, as much as I was a mess emotionally, I would've been worse off if not which I knew. After this relationship ended I felt so much relief, like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I still panicked about seeing said person out and about but that stopped after a while.

I felt so fucking free.

So why do I still feel an emptiness? Like I'm still out of place?

To this day, this feeling has never left my side, maybe it has nothing to do with that relationship and subconsciously started way before but why else would it feel so heavy? I don't believe it has anything to do with him per say but more of myself other than anything, what I thought/think of myself and what I value about myself. Maybe that is the problem. He took so much from me, leaving me with torment in my head 'you'll never be good enough' that I have let it control and consume me.

Either way, it's there and it's like it just doesn't want to go away. Like I said earlier, it somewhat has gotten better, just not a great deal and I suppose it will take its time and you know what, that's okay with me. I don't need to rush. I just need to take my time and carry on loving myself first and always above anything else because no matter what, I have me and that is all I will ever need.