Attracting a Creep Doesn't Make All Men Creeps

After years of academic research there is little that annoys me more than horrible social media posts, claiming to be research — when in fact they are a compilation or terrible anecdotes. Lately, there’s a lot of this type of “research” by men about women, and by women about men.

For this article, as a woman, I’ve decided to call out my own side. I think it’s just as important for women to call out ignorant, or hypocritical women, as it is for men to call out ignorant or hypocritical men. Fair is fair.

My algorithm recently threw a “fascinating” article at me by a woman who had been looking at a plethora of TikTok reels by female wait staff who started wearing their hair in pigtails because it got them more tips. This 30-some woman then decided to do the same and document what happened in “the name of research”. She noted that she did, in fact, receive significantly more/bigger tips but also received more lude comments and inappropriate stares at her body.

This female then went on a very lengthy rant about how it is so creepy that men are turned on by things that signify pre-pubescence such as pigtails, shaved genitalia etc… and how this was never the case in the past.

First off, historically, girls used to get married as early as twelve. So, let’s not even get into the ludicrous, historical statements this woman made. Instead, let’s focus on the terrible clumping of men as creeps, just because she did something that attracted creeps.

Women should be allowed to dress and look any way they want. However, both men and women have to take accountability for the fact that appearance creates an impression.

When you go to a job interview for a CEO position, you wear a suit because it gives the impression of office-professionalism. However, if you were to go to a job interview for a soccer coach position you would wear something laid back and sporty because it gives the impression of a fit person, knowledgeable in sports. Sure, there could be a high-powered CEO hiding inside that track suit, or a sports fanatic inside that 3-piece suit. But, that isn’t the first impression we would get of those people, which is why, they wouldn’t dress like that for their interviews.

We all also have personal variances in terms of what we are attracted to. Some of those variances are person-unique and some have come into being through cultural beliefs and expectations. Therefore, our appearance will attract specific types of people. Hate it or love it. It is what it is.

For example, when I was in my twenties, I was tall, waify and looked far younger than my age. I got a pixie cut at that time and we moved to Ottawa. The pixie cut made me look even younger. Additionally, men associate short hair with emancipated women. My hair was not a political statement. I simply thought it was a cute cut. However, I noticed that while I was attracting fewer men, I was attracting cooler men, because super patriarchal guys generally prefer long hair on a woman, so my short cut automatically turned most of them off. On the flip end of things, I was also suddenly attracting very creepy, old, government dudes (Ottawa is where the government is situated). Did I assume that all older, government dudes are pedophilic creeps? No. I met and worked with many older, very cool men. Unfortunately my cute, short hair and waify, young look made the old, government creeps come out of the woodworks.

So, back to the topic of the pigtail waitress.

When you are a 30-some year old woman who starts to dress like a character out of the teen movie Clueless, with the addition of pigtails, you are making an impression. To normal men, that impression will be something along the lines of “that woman is insecure about ageing” or “that woman is desperate for attention” or potentially “that woman just finished a kinky, fetish session with her boyfriend.” These men might still give her a bigger tip because they feel saddened by her apparently desperate attempts at tip-getting. Again, you can argue that we can all dress and look how we want. True. But, again, both men's and women's look DO make impressions on others.

And, unfortunately there are creeps everywhere. There are both creepy men and creepy women. So, this kind of school-girl-at-30 look will definitely bring the creeps out of the woodworks, and those creeps will take this lady's juvenile get-up as a sign that she’d like a juvenile pickup line. That doesn’t make all men creeps and it also doesn’t mean that all men are even attracted to her wanna-be-15 getup. It simply means that those are the men her get-up attracted. All oranges are fruit. But, not all fruit are oranges.

Before any woman reading this makes comments that may end up reeking of hypocrisy, let’s look at this situation from the opposite POV:

While there are exceptions to every rule, when most women see a grown man wearing a Marvel character T-shirt and sporting a long hair-do with a bald spot at the top of his head, they do not think “awwww, what a cute, young style.” They think, “Overgrown man-child, insecure about his age.” If this man were to be a waiter, he would thus most likely inspire the most tips from matching, overgrown women-girls and women who feel sad for him.

Dressing fashionably and staying young is great. But, going out of one’s way to dress and style oneself far below ones actual age (whether you are a man or a woman) to the point of gaudiness, gives off a vibe of desperation, insecurity and a lack of emotional growth and development. When you give off that vibe, you will imminently attract people with either the same vibe or people who feed off of that vibe.

We have a friend who loves sports cars. His dating profile displays his sports cars and he often cruises ostentatiously around the city in them. His constant complaint is that he always attracts gold-diggers. Therefore, his conclusion was that all women must be gold-diggers. My blatant response to him was “if you stop flaunting your douchey cars, you might stop attracting douchey women.” The fact of the matter was, not only was he attracting many intellectually unappealing women, he was turning off cool women with his “sports-car look”, because mature women often associate a guy who flaunts cars with immaturity and insecure overcompensation, and they stay away from him.

Both men and women give off vibes, and make specific impressions with their appearance. Both men and women associate various appearances and vibes with various personality traits. Both men and women have to take accountability for the first impressions they make.

Most importantly, both men and women need to stop assuming that what they are attracting to themselves is what all women or all men are like. And, if they are not happy with the types of people they are attracting to themselves, think about the role they might be playing in that.

I couldn’t control looking waify in my twenties and attracting 60-year-od creeps. True. And that sucked. But, on the bright side, I also attracted really cool men like my husband, because I didn’t assume that all men who looked at me were creeps. And, I can control whether I choose to don pigtails and a mini, plaid skirt, looking like a tween wanna-be, as a grown-ass woman.

Lastly, let me be perfectly honest, even if completely inappropriate. I’ve been watching The Witcher lately. If my next waiter looks anything like Henry Cavill, and happens to be wearing a medieval outfit, as long as he delivers at least half my food order, that man will get a tip. And if he bends over, I will most definitely check out his ass as well. So, lets' not be hypocritical ladies.

Originally published on Medium