Are You Tired of Arguing?

When there is a conflict, a tension of the relationship between you as a parent and your child, it can be difficult to resolve it, because sometimes you can't clearly define what the problem is! But given the many benefits of a harmonious relationship, you should try your best.

Here comes the conflict map as a perfect strategy for action - when you are too confused when the problem is not clearly defined, when you think there is no solution, when there are several small problems, when you simply say to yourself: "I can't understand with this child, it is too difficult "!

In these situations, the conflict map can help you considerably, giving you a much clearer picture of the whole situation and the existing problems. You can make the map yourself or with the help of your spouse - the best part is that it is not necessary to involve the teenager until after you have clarified!

This type of tool helps you to identify solutions that may not otherwise come to mind and especially to find the option that loses the least on both sides.

The first step in drawing up the conflict map is to try to define the problem as clearly as possible! He generally states what the problem is, for example, "never listen to me," "don't do your homework," or "communicate."

Don't think too much about the problem - at this point, all you have to do is write it down clearly. Then, the second step is to write down all the parties involved in the conflict: it's just you and the teenager, or other parties: the other parent, teachers, siblings. Write on a list anyone who is involved: often, the teenager has a tense relationship with both parents.

Step three in drawing up the conflict map is the most important and requires patience and time to think. Now, you have to think about what each party involved in the conflict wants. You do this by distinguishing between the needs and fears of each person, putting them on a list.

The problem may arise from unmet needs and unfulfilled fears! With a concise list of these needs and fears, the whole situation will be easier to analyze, and make sure you look at the problem from all perspectives!

So, first of all, think about your needs that are strictly related to the problem: they can be, for example, "need for respect", "need for listening", "need for communication". At this stage, completely ignore the possible solutions and avoid the temptation to speed up the evolution of the map.

Then, the conflict map should cover the needs of the teenager - if you simply can't think from his perspective, you better ask him to help you, but with a little openness and patience, you can identify his own needs. For example, these may be: "need for independence", "need for personal decisions", "need for relaxation", etc. Attention: the needs must be strictly related to the defined problem, other needs must be ignored for the time being!

Then, if there is a third party in the conflict, its needs are also noted: often, the third party can be grouped with one of the others, for example, the parents - if they are both involved - often have the same needs related to quarrel with the teenager.

The map of the conflict continues by listing the fears of each party, their worries, their concerns. No matter how realistic or not fear is, it must be put on the list. So you might have fears of being rejected by your child, not being loved by him, not being able to control him, and so on.

Then go to the teenager and think about his fears about the problem: "always submitting to authority", "not having time for yourself", "always being criticized", etc. Fear can show the needs and motivations of the conflict: if you are afraid that you will not be loved by the child, it leads to the need for love, and this can be a motivation for the conflict - you feel that the teenager has moved away from you and is indifferent. This is just an example!

Until now, in drawing up the map of the conflict, absolutely any need and fear that comes to your mind regarding the problem passes. Then, review them and cut a need or fear, if you think it is not related to the problem.

Be careful when you imagine the needs and fears of the teenager - do not think from your perspective, but think about his behavior and his personality! Although his behavior may seem disrespectful and strange, it can come, for example, from the fear of not being criticized by you or from the fear that he is not loved!

The conflict map will prove to be an extremely useful and functional tool: to make it easier for you, make it on a large sheet of paper. The role of the map is to broaden the perspective from which you look at the situation and to give you the chance to find varied and real options in solving the problem.

If there are more problems, it is better to focus on them one by one and draw more maps over time. Do not combine several problems, as you may be influenced to list the same needs and fears, although they may be different!

After you have written down on your piece of paper everything that went through your mind and the conflict map is completed, the last step comes: to try to find new meanings of the problem, based on intuition, to perceive both points of view. parties involved.

Find out if there are any common fears and needs related to the problem. Seek and find a common vision, related to needs and fears. It starts to find solutions from what is common: ideas, values, needs. In finding solutions, make sure that both sides have something to gain: for example, if your interest is for the teenager to do his homework and he is related to the time spent with friends, the solution in which both wins would be a strict schedule that divides the time for both needs.

Any solution that comes to mind and that would help both parties, put it on the list, even if it doesn't seem realistic to you - in the end, you will think and choose the one that you find most accessible and useful. Then, when you have focused on a few possible solutions, show the teenager the whole map of the conflict, not just the solution, so that he too can look at the situation from a broader perspective.

And why not, if it is open, analyze the map together again - you can find other solutions.

The conflict map - although it may seem idealistic - is a useful tool and once it starts, it doesn't require much effort! The undeniable advantages of drawing up the map lie, first of all, in the fact that, thinking about the map, the negative emotions calm down, the empathy increases, the perspective widens - in short, it helps you to effectively organize all the important aspects of a problem.