Pondering as I Wander

Our mind is the place that tells the truth about who we are. It’s the time capsule that we as individuals hold the key to. Some waiting to unlock it, while some throw the key away. In hopes of keeping ourselves locked away, as if it makes us untouchable.

In my years of life, I have been through many ups and downs. Majority of the time people who are dear to me. Call me the unlucky one. The one where if the worse case scenario can happen. It would happen to me. Shall I dare say they are correct and what they say are facts? I choose to stand on the edge of optimism. Leaning into the “stay positive” while always having one foot planted in the worse case scenario. As I ponder on this rollercoaster life of mine. I let myself wander in the thoughts of a better understanding of myself.

I have been on a journey for quite some time with myself as I’ve grown older and wiser (I like to think) life isn’t so bad, be grateful, count your blessings, today is a new day. Some may call it depression. Some may say anxiety. I like to say neither. I am not stuck in a past that I cannot change. I don’t dwell about the unknown. I prefer to stand in my moment. Fluidly moving with my day as it may come. With what ever it may bring me. As long as I can remember I have been a person who has kept a journal, about my day, life changes, feelings, new loves, happiness and everything one person can feel and experience in life. I have recently came across some of my journals. What I have realized is that I have struggled with love in all the wrong places and mistaking it for what my mind tells me isn’t love.

For the past almost 20 years I have been in a relationship that I am realizing no longer serves a purpose for me. I cannot find the joy in myself by myself. Since I have allowed this relationship to change who I am as a person. I struggle to sync my heart and mind. Knowing that my heart is deceitful. Knowing that emotions, as well as everything in life is temporary. How does a person spend the last 14 years pondering on what they should do? What holds a person back from moving towards individual freedom? Am I weak? Afraid? Choosing to stay on the edge of positivity? Where does one begin to not ponder on the thoughts or feelings of what is already known?

I would like to spend the other half of my life happy, joyful, loved equally as I love. Finding a place where my mind can be free from knowing that what I am experiencing is not healthy. A place where I am myself and loved because I am enough for the person who loves me back. Stagnant is not a good place to be. Never having an answer, in fear of having a tough conversation because even the most simple question may upset the other person. Trapped and lonely while surrounded by so many others who have so much love to give to me. Yet yearning for the one person to give me an ounce of kindness. Something warm to remind of who I fell in love with.

It’s a constant question I ask myself and am asked by close ones I rarely care to share my personal life with. Why do you stay? Why haven’t you left yet? I would have left a long time ago. Is the most common and easy answer I get. My answer is- I am pondering the same thing as I wander searching for the answer, that I am sure only I can give myself.

Yours truly,

Pondering Wanderer