Are You a Stepparent and Don’t Know How to Have a Good Relationship with Your Child?

How can the stepfather have a good relationship with the child? The role of the stepfather is never easy to assume: it is enough to think about how stepmothers or fathers are portrayed in some stories to see that the stepfather is often transformed into a negative character

Regardless of how the initial marriage fell apart - divorce or death - the newcomer, the stepfather, will not generally be welcomed into the family with open arms by the children. In their eyes, he is a stranger who has no right to suddenly consider themselves their mother or father.

Moreover, children may even feel obligated to reject and dislike this newcomer: indebted to their departed natural parent (it is a way of expressing loyalty to the departed parent by rejecting the person who, out of their perspective, try to take his place in the family).

No matter how long it has been since the family broke up, the appearance of a stepparent, the remarriage of the children's parent with another person, is a change that the little ones can only accept gradually.

They still suffer from separation or the death of their parents, they often hope for a reconciliation of their natural parents, they feel insecure and fearful when a stepparent is received in their home, not knowing how this newcomer will affect their family life and their relationship with the natural parent.

The stepfather can form a good relationship more easily with small children, under 7–8 years old, because they need more loving and supportive adults; with children over 8 years old, however, the task of forming and maintaining a good relationship becomes very difficult, taking time for them to adapt to drastic change.

However, the stepfather often becomes the target of children, being seen as a stranger trying to take the place of their natural parent and as a stranger who does not have the right to call themselves a parent.

How can the stepfather have a good relationship with the child?

Give the child time before joining the family. The change is hard to accept anyway, but it is much better received by the child if he spends more time getting to know his parent's new partner before he joins the family. Before becoming a stepfather, it is preferable for the child to get used only to the idea that the father or mother has a new relationship.

Maintain your family routine. With the arrival of the stepfather, there should not be too many concrete changes in the child's routine - he should feel that his life will not be turned upside down. In this regard, keep the usual family rituals, including the stepfather in them. The latter must be integrated into the family, not bring big changes.

Explain to the child that the stepfather does not take the place of the departed parent! Make this as clear as possible: that the newcomer is not a substitute, but a person who just wants to be received and accepted, a person who should not be compared to the other parent. The child must feel that the departed parent will always remain his parent (in case of divorce, he can help the child by spending time with him and explaining that this change is not so bad).

The stepfather can have a good relationship with the child only if he does not pressure him if he does not insist and gives him time to accept the situation.

Therefore, behaving too nicely and bribing him with gifts is not a way to win his affection: no matter how small the child is, he is not stupid! Do not insist that he accept you and like you at first, let him know you in time.

The stepfather must not impose himself in discipline from the first! One way to ruin the relationship with the child is to act as a boss, as an authoritarian parent too quickly: the child will consider that you have no right to discipline him, to impose rules on him, to ask him what to do!

Try to take the role of counselor instead, being willing to talk to the child, leaving the role of discipline and imposition of the natural parent. Very important in the discipline: the rules will be the same; don't come with new rules in the family! And if it is necessary to draw his attention to a rule, make it clear that this has always been the rule in the house.

Don't ask them to look at you as their parent! Don't ask them to call you "mom" or "dad" and don't force gestures! The child, even if he doesn't really have anything personal with you, even if he really likes you, somehow feels obliged to reject you at first.

From the suffering to the anger to the fear, to the confusion, all the emotions that a child feels when a parent disappears from the family and a newcomer appears to overwhelm him - only with time the child will get used to the change and will be ready to accept and like the stepfather. Always ask for the respect that the child owes (without forgetting to treat him with respect), but do not ask for affection: it is not born suddenly. Stay available and open to communication and affection without pressuring or complaining about your child's rejection.

The natural parent should only spend time with the child. Because the child often feels jealous of the newcomer who steals his parent's affection, the child must see that his relationship with his parent is not affected. The natural parent should only spend time with the child from time to time, without involving the stepparent.

Very important: the natural parent should never take the side of the child or stepfather in case of quarrels; he will sometimes be caught in the middle, forced to decide who is right and who is not - but the situation in which the natural parent defends the stepfather and takes his side against the child must be avoided as much as possible.