A Beggar That Asked Me for Food.

But, sometimes the influence comes from within and it usually has more force. Ego, guilt, and many other terminologies encased by feelings that are deep, that creeps up when you least expect it at times when you never wanted it.

You see here, I don’t normally look at beggars’ eyes. But, I did one day and I gave that beggar a piece of food along with a napkin. The old lady was asking for food and this was a normal occurrence happening in vicinities of churches & parishes. More frequently every Sunday mass you’d find beggars littering the streets, then we also have ethnic tribes who asks for money too. They usually go together as groups of children, full of females, and mothers carrying their own babies, we call them Badjaos here. There are plenty of ethnic tribes in the Philippines, I don’t know if the person I gave food to was a Badjao, it kind of seem like she wasn’t. Tribes have their own mix of languages, and the old lady when she talked didn’t seem to not make sense to me.

But, then I had realized, it isn’t a usual thing to look at a beggar’s eyes. I don’t see many people look beggars in their eyes. What I know I see are people pretending they don’t see a beggar coming near. They are aware yet disconnected from the present reality. It makes them feel uncomfortable. If you dive even deeper, the situation is ironic. Beggars target people who are inside churches and it feels like a test whether or not someone breaches through the time and consciousness to pull money outside their wallets and buy or give this less-fortunate something.

Moving forward… Well, I had the confidence to look this one in the eye because I had something prepared to give. I could still remember how she looked, she was really old, she had a bandana tied around her hair, her skin were all wrinkly. The most I remember was her eyes — the very act itself of looking her directly then, made me feel like I fell down a well. It made me think that I was doomed, that I’d feel uncomfortable too.

I wondered afterwards what her life was like, how did she ended up asking other people for food, what unfortunate events led her to being where she is right now?

There was something in me that day that wanted to give more, not just to the old lady but also the Badjaos, the kids selling sampaguitas, the grandma who sells sampaguitas too, or the blind man who has his wife as support. My mind kept popping about ideas of who to give and what to give to them. I found that giving could be addicting. Sooner or later, what was first uncomfortable became something more profound as transformational. That’s why they say giving is receiving, right? Right. It’s possible I found it pleasurable to give to people and I somehow received peace of mind to which made me think about the word,

“guilt”.

I’ve known people who started feeling depressed after an experience that induced guilt, I was one of those people. But, more about that on another chapter.

I’m not the type of person to always bring money when I go to church. The place isn’t very far from my home and I only have to walk a few houses to get back. I still am ‘till this day, not carrying with me even coins. But, such an experience changed a thing or two in me, to imagine that something like that could be possible to achieve can be powerful as it is necessary for others who may need to undergo it.

Having that peace of mind, made me feel lighter. Sometimes, we really just don’t expect how the world will unfold directly to us. Plenty of experiences and events we have are unscripted and unplanned. Life as it happens to someone, is a dash of impulsivity, clash of personalities, and extraneous factors out of control.

We might find disturbing feelings welling up in us. In times we least expect it and at times we never want it. But, it is not to say we shouldn’t ever process such feelings. Without acknowledging it, confronting it, we won’t be resolving it.