7 Gutless Excuses Why You're Avoiding A Break-up

Some days I wonder why I stayed with my ex two years after I first thought about ending it.

What an idiot I was. 

Selfish idiot, at that.

Most of the time, I talked myself out of breaking up. I managed to convince myself my reasons weren't acceptable, or that I was letting temporary emotions get the best of me. 

And if I went through with it, I would regret it for the rest of my life.

It's amazing what nonsense you can tell yourself to get out of painful, hurtful and uncomfortable situations. 

It's better to avoid it at all costs, right?! At least, that's what we tell ourselves.

Well, if you're agreeing with me, you're probably still in the denial phase. It's a phase that is comfortable, but it doesn't get us anywhere in life. It's a phase that appeases our lazy side, but never gets us what we want.

And though you might give me every logical reason under the sun to avoid breaking up with your partner, you know it's all bull s**t.

Here are the excuses that are just that; excuses.

1. Can't get the awkward words out 

I'm yet to experience a breakup that wasn't preceded by an uncomfortable conversation. Even when it seemed inevitable, the writing on the wall and everyone knew it was coming, talking about it sucked.

You know the blame game is coming. Both sides want to use this parting conversation to defend their part in the breakup. 

We:

• Try to work out who broke the relationship
• Try to work out what our now ex should have done better
• Try to walk away from the conversation feeling like we're in the right and not a complete relationship failure

This might sound obvious, but here is the reality. You can't break up with someone without talking about what happened. Or without telling them you're breaking up with them. 

People don't take the hint the relationship is over. You have to go through the process.

2. Break-up cowards

Sure, there are the cop-out breakup approaches you could use. This could be:

• Sending your partner a breakup text message, email or DM
• Writing your partner an old-fashioned breakup letter
• Send someone else to do the dirty work
• Break up with them over the phone

But you're avoiding a conversation, plain and simple. 

And you know when entering the relationship you were going to have some uncomfortable conversations. 

Avoiding one, albeit an important one, doesn't make the situation better.

3. Fearing the tears

And if the conversation leads to tears, your worst nightmare just came true. Everything you hoped wouldn't happen materialised. You made your now ex-partner inconsolable. 

Why would you do that? Why wouldn't you want to avoid this?

Fearing tears is like thinking you can lose weight without going on a diet. You can't get the result without a little sacrifice and hard work. 

Tears that come from a breakup are part of that handwork. You have to comfort someone you made upset. It sucks. But it's part of the process.

Tears aren't so bad either. Tears are often a knee-jerk reaction, rather than a genuine display of what the person is feeling. 

The tears might represent:

• A relief the relationship is over
• A relief the uncomfortable conversation is over
• A build-up of emotions of the relationship ending
• Something entirely unrelated to the breakup but the tense situation evokes an emotional response

Sometimes the tears are about you, sometimes they're not. And tears aren't a guarantee either. 

I've had a guy dump me and I didn't even flinch. Even if you know this person inside and out, don't make assumptions to avoid doing the right thing.

4. What reason? What reason?! 

Though some brave people in the past have tried and failed, breaking up without a reason tends to fail. Unless the person you're ending it with really doesn't care, more than likely your now ex will want to know why.

But here's the problem you face; you either:

• Don't have a particular reason you can nail down - It's not one thing, it's many things put together
• Don't have a reason they will accept - You know they will try to fight for the relationship if you say your reason, and you don't want that to happen
• Don't have a reason you want to tell them - You've cheated on them and there is no way you want to tell that
• Don't have a reason that makes sense - Even though it's your thoughts and feelings, the reason sounds like complete garbage

Let me give you a little tip; sometimes even the best reason to break up isn't enough. Your partner might not accept any reason or understand any logic when the time comes. 

Waiting for a good reason, one that your partner will understand is an exercise in futility.

Waiting for a good reason to break up is also like waiting for the right time to get your life together. There is no right time. There is no ideal situation where everyone will walk away happy with the outcome. 

And if you happen to fluke the right time, then you've won the breakup lottery, in my opinion.

5. Keeping up appearances

I do feel sorry for the person doing the breaking up. Quite often, they are the ones to blame for the demise of a relationship, when that's not the case. 

Pulling the trigger doesn't mean you loaded the relationship gun.

And I understand the fear of looking bad post a breakup. Surviving any bust-up with your reputation intact is almost impossible, especially if you've cheated or don't have that good reason we just spoke about.

Though we can worry about how people will perceive us, we need to remember the following mantras:

• What they think doesn't change what we feel about ourselves
• Breaking up with someone is about self-love, despite anyone telling us we're being selfish
• We don't want people in our life who don't support our decisions
• Breakups happen every day and people need to get over it

If you worry too much about what other people think, you will never go through with the breakup.

And then where will you be? Stuck in a miserable relationship, all in the name of making other people happy. 

What kind of life is that?

6. This breakup will cost you

There are some circumstances where a breakup has some emotional pain but far more logistical pain. And you avoid going through with the breakup because it isn't as simple as walking away and moving on. 

These circumstances could be any or all the following:

• It's not a breakup, it's divorce - Cue the division of assets, marriage, custody and shared finances
• You live together - And after you break up, you need to find somewhere new to live
• You have joint finances or a business together - Despite busting up, you need to find some way to work together to keep your earnings intact
• You're trapped together - You're on a year-long overseas sabbatical together and it's not possible to return home

Though these situations require careful breakup planning, they aren't a good enough reason to stay in an unhappy relationship. 

I acknowledge they aren't barriers in the way, they are full-scale walls. 

But once again, you're not going to find your happiness if you let these obstacles be a deterrent.

7. Uncomplicated, boring old laziness

I understand laziness. Breaking up with someone takes a surprising amount of effort and planning. 

It's not something you do on a whim, because the fallout alone is all time-consuming. For many, it's much easier to stay in the relationship in the hope something will fix itself.

This thought process, however, is completely irrational. And wrong. No one else is going to fix this situation for you. 

No one is going to get off their bottom and do something you don't want to.

If you want this enough, you will do something about it, right? Sometimes it isn't any more complicated than that.

Ok, so it's not all gutless excuses

I admit everything on this list is a legitimate reason for feeling hesitant about going through with the breakup. 

But if I'm honest, we don't need a good reason to feel hesitant at all. Anxiety over emotional turbulent decisions needs no justification. 

We can't control how we feel.

Yet we can't expect to find happiness or move past our relationship if we don't go through the hard steps first.

There is no easy solution.

Sometimes life requires you to put on your adult pants and get over it.

And breakups are a normal part of life, as common and unavoidable as death and taxes.

Avoiding the inevitable isn't living. Well, in reality, it's living with your head in the sand.

It's your life at the end of the day. But if I were you, I would see this situation for what it is; tough, but it won't last forever.

You got this.