The Worst Pick-Up Approaches Guaranteed Not To Get You Laid

I don't believe anyone who tells me they have the best pickup line in the world. 

Or a sure-fire tactic to land a person they like into bed. 

Call me a sceptic, but when you're trying to make a physical connection with another person, there is no such thing as one plus one equals two. 

There are too many variables.

But as much as I can't tell you what will work to get yourself a night of pleasure between the sheets, I can tell you exactly how to make someone run the other way.

Yeah, I've been there. 

Despite Hollywood and romance novels telling me all I had to do was shake my booty in front of a man and his pants would come crashing down, I've felt the sting of sex rejection. 

I've tried to work my guaranteed moves on someone I liked only to face the realisation that getting sex isn't that easy.

Sex rejection sucks by the way. Anyone who says they've never experienced it is a liar.

Having been through it, I can make sex rejection less painful for you by steering you away from the strategies that don't work.

And if any of the things on your list work for you, go for it. If you get the sex you want, who am I to stop you?

But as a general, you're going to fall flat on your face if you think any of the following pick-up approaches work. 

Or still work if they ever once did.

Ditch the pick-up lines - now!

What we know about the age-old pick-up lines is they were sleazy, crass and never accounted for the other person's feelings. 

It was basically the most obnoxious way of asking someone to have sex.

These lines may have once been successful. Maybe the first time another person heard them. But not anymore.

A line is also a way of telling the other person that sex is a transaction to you and nothing more. 

Whilst that might be true, and even true for them, it's not what anyone wants to hear when you first try to pick them up.

Even if you're someone who wants cold, uncalculated sex, we don't like feeling like a number, or something you check off your to-do list.

And if you don't care about that, everyone knows the most cliched pick-up lines.

If you're going to venture down this 'line' path, you might want to come up with something original that doesn't scream, "this is a cheesy sex pick-up line".

Polite persistence? Please don't

Back when I still went nightclubbing, I met this guy who I thought was beautiful. 

I was on holiday and he looked like the right man to help me enjoy this holiday the way I wanted to. We started talking in the line at the nightclub, then inside too. 

I bought him a drink and tried to dance with him.

There was this one point in the night that I realised I was hanging around him like a bad smell. He wasn't returning any of my flirtatious gestures. 

He didn't buy me a drink, he didn't ask me any questions, he didn't ask me to dance. I thought by sticking with the course, staying on his tail, he would see what I could see. 

We should do it.

Getting someone to have sex without you isn't a war of attrition. 

It's not about who can stick it out the longest. Your persistence, albeit polite and inoffensive, doesn't get you any points. 

It's sad to say because we're often told to put the effort into relationships. 

But here's what we really need to know; if someone doesn't want your effort, it doesn't matter what you do.

Avoid the 'F' word

It doesn't matter how much you love your family. 

It doesn't matter how influential they are within your life. 

Unless they are a celebrity and you think the other person's fascination with your famous relative might help conversation between you, don't bring them up. 

There is nothing less sexy than hearing about who you're related to.

It's like talking about your boring job, too. 

If you want sex, there has to be some fantasy about this. A suspension of reality if you will. 

Family, work, and all the boring things about life bring someone crashing back down to earth.

If you want to make this about two people sharing their body, sharing this deep, physical intimacy, don't let the other person imagine a grandparent in the room with them.

Avoid the "ex" word

And speaking of people who should never come up in the picking up process is your exes. 

They are the biggest turn-off. Everyone knows the person they are trying to have sex with has a past of some description, length or intensity. 

You don't need to talk about it at this moment. It's not critical to know in sex decision-making.

For a woman like me, we want to think we are the only girl in the room you have eyes for. We know it's not necessarily true. 

We're not idiots. 

But at that moment, feeling like we need to compete with other people will send us running. 

It's not a competition we've volunteered to win.

And I don't doubt everyone else, besides women, feels this way too. 

You're trying to make the other person trust you. Knowing there are other people doesn't do that.

Quit the conversion tactics

When someone says they aren't interested in having sex with you, don't think you can change their minds. This will not only not get you laid, but probably destroy your confidence to try again.

These are the most common scenarios an enthusiastic sex hunter thinks they can change:

• Turning someone looking for a serious relationship into casual sex - You find them on a dating app and they are looking for love. But you think with some gentle encouragement, you can turn them into the perfect one-night stand.
• Turning someone against their sexual orientation - I've met many men, for example, who think lesbians are the perfect challenge for them. They've always failed in this endeavour, by the way. Why? It's not because the woman wasn't interested. It's because they disrespected their sexual orientation and found their preference as something to challenge. Nothing like getting insulted to keep your pants on, am I right?!
• Turn someone into a cheater - And the disrespect keeps on going. When someone says they are in a committed relationship, that means what it means. If they wanted to cheat, they probably wouldn't tell you about the relationship and do it.

If we view sex as a goal, these types of people are sex with obstacles in the way. The harder you make it for yourself, the less likely you get laid. It's simple logistics.

If your end goal is sex, you set yourself up for failure

And whilst on the subject of goals, let's talk about it.

When you've found someone you want to have sex with, actually sleeping with them is like winning a gold medal. It's the ultimate accomplishment; you've done exactly what you wanted. 

But how many people win gold medals?

This isn't the Olympics, I know. But I stand by this comparison. 

Sometimes you get the timing right, sometimes you find a person with the same goal as you. They want sex with you, and you want sex with them. 

Everyone wins.

Yet more people lose than they win. 

It doesn't always work as you planned. All those scenarios require a miracle to line up. Sure you can hope, but expecting it go to your way comes with inevitable disappointment.

And you might have a 100% strike rate. Good for you. As you might know by now, you're the exception, not the rule.

If you want to save your feelings, save your confidence, you might have a realistic expectation for what's possible.

Why not ask for sex?

"Excuse me, will you please have sex with me?" 

Um, no, not quite like that.

But I don't see any problem with being direct, and uncomplicated with your desire to sleep with someone. You don't have to be sleazy in how you ask someone. 

But why does sex have to be a game?

This isn't that complicated. And no doubt the person on the receiving end of your question will value a straightforward approach, void of all the guessing games.

It doesn't mean you can't be romantic or charming, either. I couldn't imagine walking up to a man and asking them outright. It's as bad as being asked on a dating app.

Yet honesty is one of the most underrated forms of communication between two people.

And what's the worst thing that could happen if you're honest and it doesn't work? 

You get rejected.

S**t happens. You were probably going to get rejected anyway.