The World isn't Ending

1/1/1944

Dear Alain,

Another year has passed. I can barely remember the time when I used to look forward to the new year with great excitement. Now, the year beyond me only fills me with dread. And the weather was cold today. Dark and cold. And the weather was even more unbearable because you were not here.

Wishing that you were here,

Colette

1/15/1944

Dear Alain,

My beloved, please do not get angry, but one of those dreaded Nazis looked at me today. I was in line to get our usual, two rotten eggs rationed out to us when this...Nazi gave me the look. You know the one. I was just forced to stand there as he kept sneering at me. Well, in truth, the Nazi’s look was only a couple of seconds long. But the humiliation and other negative feelings made it feel like forever. Before, I would have made a snide comment to defend myself and if you were there, you would have glared at him. If not worse. But you are not here, and that Nazi has friends. And even though they boast of being the ‘perfect’ Aryan race, they are definitely the worst of races.

I am not sure how much more of this I can take.

Wishing that you were here,

Colette

2/14/1944

Dear Alain,

I knew that this day was going to be awful without you. But somehow, it was even worse than I thought. Nothing particularly bad happened today either. Well, I guess that was a lie. The Nazis are still strolling around here in our beloved Paris like it actually belongs to them. It was also stormy all day today but without a single drop of rain to show for it. You know that I was never the biggest fan of rain, but if the skies are going to be gray and gloomy, then they might as well give us rain!

However, I guess I would be a completely ungrateful and nonredeemable person if I didn’t say that something nice did happen today. My dear sweet father managed to get his hands on some chocolate. Not one of those bad substitutes either, but actual, sweet chocolate. It was of course only a small bar so we had to share it between the four of us. But even though the chocolate only lasted on my tongue for a few seconds before melting, it was nice. So I guess I really did lie earlier. Today wasn’t the worst day in the world.

I still miss you though. I wish I could be held in your strong arms once again. I wish that I could comb my fingers through your beautiful, dark locks again. I wish that we could continue making plans for our wedding day, and playfully debate the names we would give our children. I wish that I could stop going over the question, ‘What if,’ in my head. What if I hadn’t been sick, what if I had been with you, what if you hadn’t been-

Sorry. I have to stop here or I will not sleep tonight. And I need to get up early to get our meager egg rations again.

Missing you and wishing that you were here to celebrate ‘La Saint Valentin,’ with me,

Colette

3/20/1944

Dear Alain,

The temperature was alright and the skies were clear and blue. Unfortunately, I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy the weather. And it wasn’t just because you weren’t there beside me. No, it was because our mutual friend came to see me. You know, the one who introduced us to each other. Oh, I wish I could just write their name, but I can’t risk their safety. What if the Nazis decide to read my diary?

But I can say that he had a request. Judging by his face and apologies, he hadn’t wanted to come to me with this. He respected my decision to leave after what happened to you after all. But for reasons I dare not say here, I am their last hope.

However, and he expected this, I said no. It’s not that I don’t support his cause. It’s not I don’t love France. It’s not that I don’t hate the Nazis and want them out of our country. But after what happened to you, I realized that my life isn’t my own.

What would happen to my parents and little sister if I died? Like you?

Missing you always,

Colette

3/21/1944

Dear Alain,

I changed my mind. Remember when I wrote to you about that one Nazi who gave me that look a couple of months ago? Well, I was walking with my sister when I saw him again today. He gave me that horrible sneer again but when he saw Juliette, his eyes widened in surprise before his sneer grew even bigger.

Juliette just turned fourteen a couple of weeks ago.

I quickly turned us around and took the long way home, just in case he decided to follow us. And even though I don’t think Juliette quite understood what was going on, the Nazi’s face scared her.

I don’t want this for her. I don’t want her to keep looking over her shoulder, to always be worrying about that Nazi. I don’t want her to live in fear at all. I want her to have an actual birthday party with as much cake and cheese as she wants. And not just her. I want my parents to live that way too. I want all of my countrymen to live that way.

I want France to be free.

And if I have to sacrifice my life to do it, then so be it.

Hopefully, it isn’t too late for me to help our friend.

Loving you always,

Colette

4/1/1944

Dear Alain,

I am alive. It was a success, and we all made it home. I dare not divulge the details here, but I believe I wouldn’t be exaggerating if I said that we dealt a huge blow to the Nazis. Perhaps not as large as the Allies working their way to us, but still very effective.

And for the first time in months, I actually feel alive. Happy, perhaps. Well, the Nazis are still here so maybe not that. Yet. But proud? Exhilarated? Yes, definitely those emotions. Positive emotions...it is nice not feeling depressed for once.

I guess you were right. We can be our worst prison guards sometimes.

But no more. I am not going to leave our mutual friend again, I am going to keep on fighting until all of France is free from its prison. And maybe I only feel this because of our recent success, but change is coming. And I am not just talking about the seasons either. The end, the end of this very long war, is coming.

And I can’t help but feel it would be in our favor.

Loving you always,

Colette

6/7/1944

Dear Alain,

Did you see it? Did you see yesterday’s invasion from up there? Did you see the Allies invade Normandy? They are here Alain! The Allies are here! They are making their way through our country as we speak, driving the Nazis back along the way! We are going to be free Alain. I was right, the war is going to end soon.

Of course, my friends and I cannot celebrate just yet. We still have a lot of work to do if we want to help the Allies take our country back.

Oh Alain, I still wish you were here, beside me to see all of this happening. But I can now find comfort that you are seeing us getting our freedom back up in heaven. Even though the mission that took your life failed, it was not in vain. You did not die in vain Alain.

Though the war has not ended yet, though I may just die before I personally see France be free again, I am more than hopeful that we will win. I am proud to be a part of the French Resistance. I am proud that you were a part of the French Resistance with me. I am proud to have met you. I am proud to have loved you.

Remembering you always,

Colette