Dear Vladimir

Dear Vladimir,

I love you. I’ve been in love with you since you sent me all those shirtless photos of yourself riding a horse.

I, like you, love dictators. That’s why I love you so much, I myself am an aspiring dictator.

My country, America, has checks and balances guaranteed by the constitution. But one day, I’ll get Congress and the sentate to get rid of checks and balances, and the Supreme Court will agree since I appointed some of the judges. Because, like, screw the constitution right? Anybody who doesn’t believe that King Trump isn’t always right is unpatriotic, and if the American constitution won’t allow me to do as I please, it’s anti-me… I mean anti American!

Do you have any advice on taking total control of a government, aside from having all of the countries deplorable idiots vote for you? Because I already did that! Not one person who went to college voted for me. Most people with a high school diploma didn’t vote for me. Most people that can read didn’t vote for me, because the educated don’t like greedy, selfish kings. Boy, do I love the uneducated. They voted for me and made me a monarch, just like in England. Now I can be a dictator, just like you.

The first thing I’m doing to secure my power in America is to blame minorities and immigrants for everything, even though I’m the one causing problems. Because screw them, right?

Then I’ll blame the LGBT community. But that’s only because I’m jealous of their make-up. I try my best to look like an orange clown. You’d think that would come naturally to me. How is their make up so good? I’m so jealous.

The second thing I’m doing is saying that freedom of speech applies to me and me alone, and that anyone who insults me has insulted America. Because even though half the country didn’t vote for me, I am all of America. So why should freedom of speech apply to anyone who insults me? If you insult me, you deserve to go to jail! Lock them up! Because the constitutional right to free speech doesn’t apply to people against me, only to people who love me.

I already appointed a judge who got abortion banned. And not because it’s wrong, because it’s not. But because I’m hoping more idiots will be born who will vote for me.

See, I’m on my way to being a dictator, just like you, Vladimir, my love.

Would you like to go on a date sometime. I can’t wait to hold your hand, Vladimir, my love! You are so very dreamy.

I am so glad you sent your Russian spy, Melania, to convince me to cuddle with you. Now we can be dictators in bed together!

Your obedient lover forever,

Donald.

Dear Donald,

I am so glad you admire me and my amazing muscles.

Yes, I oppress my people, and love that you are doing the same to yours. Screw freedom of speech for those who oppose you. Screw the American way of life. Screw freedom. You are going to make an amazing dictator one day!

I love that you are taking away free speech from your opponents.

I did that a long time ago, too. Then I also had them killed. Death to all who oppose us!

I just hope Elon doesn’t get jealous. You are his lover now, too, yes? Maybe we could all have a threesome sometime! I’d be down if you are! The more dictators, the better.

I love you too, Donald!

Love always,

Vladimir the dictator.

Dear Donald,

It’s me, Elon. I hear Putin wants to have a big gay threesome. I’m DTF if you are! Just don’t tell my daughter or the public because I’m supposed to be against minorities and the LGBT, even though I secretly am one! I’m still in the closet, but sssshhh, it’s a secret.

At first, I was a little jealous of you and Vladimir. But the idea of a relationship with another dictator has grown on me. So exciting! To cuddle with two other men sounds amazing. I can’t believe I’m doing this while also taking away peoples right to cuddle with other men. I’m a hypocrite, I know!

I love you so much Donald. Thank you for giving me your presidencty and secretly putting me in control of the government. Let’s destroy America together, cough cough, I mean, make America great again.

It’s a good thing there’s so many stupid deplorable people in America that voted for you. In South Africa, that never would have happened. But that’s why I moved here to America, to manipulate all the idiots like you and your voters.

Thank you again for the amazing opportunity to be President of America. I’m loving running the country and I love that you gave me access to all of America’s banking information. Now I can destroy my competition.

But you don’t have to tell your constituents that. Just tell them “Elons preventing fraud by committing fraud.” They’ll eat it up, they believe any lie that comes out of your mouth. The people who voted for you love their new king and dictator. They don’t even realize I’ve taken control of their government. Your voters are so deplorable and uneducated, I love it.

Anyway, I can’t wait for our threesome with Vladimir.

Love always,

Elon

Dear Elon,

I love you too! You know I’d do anything for you. Let me know what classified information you want next, it’s all yours, buddy.

I once stole documents from the government and hid them in my hotel. I told the FBI I declassified the files with my mind, and they, like my deplorable idiots who voted for me, believed me. They believe that the dictator president has magical mind powers.

My point being, I know what it’s like to want to steal classified information. We can just tell the idiots, cough, I mean voters, we declassified the information with magical mind magic. They’ll believe anything we say.

I love you so much, Elon. I loved your shirtless photo at the beach. The photo where you’re extra pale and you look like a sagging zombie, that really turned me on. That’s actually one of the reasons I gave you the power of the president. You’re really Americas new president.

I’m looking forward to our threesome with Vladimir, and thank you so much for not being jealous and agreeing to join the dictators orgy club.

I love you, and since I speak for America now and have effectively banned free speech, that means America loves you too. Because I am America, and if you say I’m not, you go to jail. Why, because I burned the constitution. Free speech is now a thing of the past. All hail the new dictator, king Trump. Also, you are now king Elon, since I do whatever you and Vladimir tell me too. I am your puppet!

Love always,

Donald the Puppet.