Before You

Day 1 - Summer 1872

I saw you today.

You wore a garland of flowers as a crown. My body could have folded at your bare feet, bowing to a sovereignty you surely do not possess. You are not the monarch... that title is Queen Victoria's alone. Yet my eyes recognized you as such and I could not look elsewhere.

The London Missionary Society has a renowned reputation of spreading the good news of Christ to islands such as yours. As a servant, I must be of clean character and not bring disrepute to this fine institution. The flesh is truly weak, and I am nothing without God my Father. As a servant, I must be strong and lean on my faith.

I know not your name, yet my mind and my heart know you. My faith tells me that is not possible and there is no such phenomenon as past lives. What I am feeling surely must be sin! Scriptures tell me God will not let me be tempted but will provide the way of escape. He is faithful. Scriptures also tell me that if my right eye causes me to sin, I should tear it out and throw it away or else my whole body maybe thrown into hell.

Is this the way of escape? Why did my eyes rest on you and see undeniable beauty? I wonder why the good Lord sent me here. Why am I on trial?

I was never tested, before you.

Day 6

You had a flower such as this in your hair today, yet it paled in comparison to your smile. You saw me yesterday and again this day. I saw how you smiled and looked away when our eyes met. Do you see me too?

I assure you I do not look at you with lustful intent. Scriptures say that if I did, I would have committed adultery in my heart. My heart remains clean and with God my Father. My mouth speaks His words of love, light and forgiveness.

Some men in your tribe speak these words too. We were excited to learn this! Missionaries must have landed on your shores before. Is that why you were not scared of us?

Our skin is fair, burns and turns red under the heat of your sun. Yours darkens and reminds me of the alloy, bronze. In my language, alloy means mixture and when the sun reaches for you, the union is the sun-kissed glow that beautifies and does not burn. How sublime you are!

I had never seen such colors, before you.

Day 21

The storm was unnerving, yet you showed no fear. I watched you as we all waited for the winds to die down and the rain to cease. You comforted little ones and sat with the old. You spoke with such kindness and tenderness that every soul you touched was all the better from you.

You spoke to me. For the first time you came to me without hesitation. Did I look afraid? You touched my hand with yours and smiled. How my heart pounds still! You sat close to me. Our skins touched and if it was not for the howl of the wind, I am convinced you would have heard my heart beating and the heaviness of my breath.

You spoke two words to me in my language... "Elliot safe". How did you learn my name? Have you been asking others about me? Your voice sang in my ears and I long to hear more. I want to know more. I want to be with you more!

Am I a condemned man? My intent is not lustful... I hold you in high regard and my desires are honorable. Is that possible? Or am I deceiving myself? I do not know.

This storm has disturbed my mind and heart. I find myself in a tempest of sorts. God is my refuge and strength, and Jesus has power over this growing storm of life. Why am I troubled then?

I never felt so conflicted, before you.

Day 52

I am not who I was.

Am I more like Lot's wife, turning to a pillar of salt when she looked back at Sodom and Gomorrah? Have I disobeyed God my Father with loyalties divided between you and Him? Do I cling too tightly to this world that is your home and no longer live as a citizen of heaven?

No.

The past month has been heavenly for me. Every day since the day of the storm you have come to me. We have learnt more of each other's words. I shared the gospel of Christ with you, although I do not think you understand completely the redemptive power of the cross.

Yester eve you leaned into me. I felt your bosom press against me. You turned your face slightly towards mine. We kissed and for that first moment, time stopped and my mind no longer echoed condemnation. It celebrated joy. What happiness you have brought me!

I have learnt you are royalty after all. You are the Princess of this tribe, only daughter and youngest child to their King. You are adored and you are protected... a species so rare that I do wonder if the Divine Himself has a unique purpose for your existence.

This day, you bring renewed purpose to my being. I love God my Father, and I love you. A trinity of a divine creation that cannot be denied. I have heard of Missionaries marrying the converted and that is my honorable intention with you.

Will you continue to learn about Christ with me? Will you hold my hand, heed the angels and not turn back to look at your old life like Lot's wife had done. Together we can press on towards a union filled with God's purpose. Together we can walk in faith and find strength to obey.

I have never held such hope, before you.

Day 84

I saw you today.

You wore a garland of flowers as a crown. The heat from your sun is waning. Summer is coming to an end, but your crown adorns many colors that still dazzle and hold me.

We have stolen time and shared many kisses. Some have been overwhelming to say the least. Alas, yester eve's kiss has now become our last. I did not understand what you were saying to me then.

You were saying goodbye.

Your eyes never looked at mine this day and I do not expect them to ever look at mine again. Your smile has faded.

You have married another.

I confided in the Senior Missionary after our first kiss. I wanted you to be my bride, but he spoke against this. Despite his words, I was prepared to have you as my wife. You would have been a beautiful bride.

You are a beautiful bride.

In the morn' I am leaving your home. I will return to where I belong and ask the Society to post me elsewhere. I cannot stay where you are. My heart is breaking and will surely shatter if I do.

My Senior said this was a learning moment for me and spoke of temptations in his youth... how he battled the weakness of his flesh. He said I am more like him than any other he knows and that he believes my divine purpose is to bring the gospel of Christ to the unknown worlds.

I look at him now and see loneliness. Will that be me in my twilight years? Was God's divine purpose for you to teach me obedience and stand in my Senior's place? I wish it were not so.

Will my heart dare to open and love another again? My Senior said your betrothal was planned from the day you took your first breath. Are you happy? He said it was a marriage of political design rather than spiritual. I know it should not, but this eases the pain burning through my veins now.

I will dream of another life with you on an island of our own... our children bearing witness of a union surpassing all understanding. I will want this life with you forevermore.

I have never known such love, before you.