ANTIETEM

AUGUST 29, 1862

My dearest Stephen,

Thank you for your wonderful letter. I waited for so long! It warmed my heart and lifted my soul to hear of your victory. What an honor it must be to have so many men look up to you and that your courage at Fort Donelson inspired your commanders. You are my fearless man. My funny man. It made me laugh to hear you say that “you were to dumb to die” and though it brought a smile to my face, I fear for you constantly. This terrible war. When will it end? So many dead in the fight to keep the Union whole and to free the slaves. That horrible practice. It must end and I know you and your men fight to save this nation and to make all people free but at what a terrible cost. I read the numbers and it makes me cry.

You are my first thought at dawn and my last thought when I say my prayers as the children sleep. Though it may sound silly, I hear the mockingbirds in the oaks at night and imagine they are you speaking to me in a foreign tongue or when you've had too much whiskey. You were always a funny drinker, never mean and you would sing to me all your silly songs till sleep took you. My only wish right now is to hear them again. To hear you sing again, my beloved Stephen in your ridiculous hat and you with your stinky cigars. I miss that smell now. I often go to your closet to breathe in the scent of your shirts but even that is fading now. Your scent giving way to gray dust like you are fading away too. We were too poor for photographs but every morning I see you, reinvent you. Forming you again in my mind. Your long mustache and the touches of gray you so hated but I found endearing. You are the most handsome man I know and there is no other. No other forever.

Our bed is now an empty place of longing. I often reach out to your side thinking you are there but the sheets are cold and your warmth absent. Just to hold you again, to embrace you again. I long for another child. I ache for this, an ache I feel like a turning peg in my womb. To finally give you a boy you so longed for. Someone to carry your name. Matheson. The name handed down from your father, grandfather and your great grandfather before him and all the way back to the Revolution where he too fought so bravely and gave his life for the freedom of this country. I know you never got to meet him but I have his letters still. They are tucked away safely in my little writing desk. I will bear his history and his sacrifice and will pass them down to our children when they can understand such things.

Grace is growing up so fast that you may not even recognize her. She is so precocious! She tries to outsmart me everyday, but I know her sneaky ways. She already knows how to drag the chair to the counter and find my candy in the top cupboard. I see you in her. Resilient and proud but oh, so kind and especially to little Matilda. Matilda as you know has always been the quiet one. More so after you left. She is the sad one now and keeps to herself, withdrawing into her secret world. She barely speaks and when she does it is all about you. For you to come home, for you to pick her up in your arms spinning her till her little feet exalt to the horizon. I'm sorry if this upsets you but I'll always be honest with you. Often she's inconsolable and there's nothing I can do. She no longer plays with her dolls and sometimes weeps all day as Grace tries to console her. She had a bad dream two nights ago and woke me in the middle of the night. Her little hands clutched to her chest and tears in her eyes. She said:

“Mama, I saw Daddy in my dream.”

“Was it a good dream, baby?”

“No. Daddy was all alone in this field. There were people on the ground but they vanished and there weren't any colors. Like gray like.”

“Baby, who were the people?”

“I don't know. I think they were his friends but they looked mushed up.”

“Mushed up?”

“Like squished up and sad. Daddy was kneeling and he had his hands over his face but then this big ole' horse came up with a tall man on it with a hat.”

“A hat?”

“Like a big tall hat and the horse was shiny like, like it was covered in gold or something. The man picked up Daddy and put him on the horse and they rode away and I couldn't see Daddy again. But he smiled and waved at me.”

“So Daddy got to ride a horse? How grand!”

She was quiet for a time. “The man had no face and the horse had no eyes.”

I didn't know what to make of it but just held her. She says she hasn't dreamed since. I live now in a vacuum without you. Everything speaks of your absence. Your empty chair, our cold bed, the children longing out the window. Return soon my beloved Stephen. I pray for your victory and our country. You are my eternity and the only sun I orbit about.

Sincerely,

Your dearest Charlotte

SEPTEMBER 19, 1862

My beloved Charlotte,

How grand it is to receive your letter. Please tell Matilda not to worry for I will be home soon! No strange horses for me! They say I will come back on a train! Give our lovely Grace a hug for me and look her in the eyes and say Daddy loves you. You...you are all I think about. Your dark hair that sweeps over your eyes like a waterfall as you lean over me in the night. I tell the men of you and they often seem jealous. These are young men, merely boys who are unwived and no one waiting for them save family. Though I am proud to serve our great nation, I long to return home, to find warmth and your cooking since we live on mere gruel here. But the soldiers are of great courage down the man even in the face of Lee's advances.

Antietam - A great and terrible day. Horriful day. Ain't never seen nothin like it in all the war and hope to never again. Not even at Donelson nor Shiloh. Not in all of Maryland. Not in all of this terrible war. No one will be the same not even God. For if the Almighty was even lookin down at us, his eyes be filled with blood and terror.

The mornin was bright and strangely warm for September. General Hooker had us march in by brigade – wave after wave of brave men all fit as a fiddle. What a glorious sight! If ya had seen us it would leave ya breathless. Maybe someday someone'll make a paintin. Johnny Reb was up past Antietam Creek just waitin for us. I can still picture them in their strange little hats. But it were hard to see for the corn was so tall in places that it blocked most of our sight. Some younger men were quakin in their boots for Lee's forces were great but we stood proud down to the man despite the fear. But some men were so laid back ya'd think it was a picnic. Sittin on the back of wagons all wallpapered on whiskey, smokin cigars and spittin in the weeds. They'd be changin their minds soon enough that I can tell ya.

I could see the Rebs lined up, their bayonets gleamin in the sun like long metal teeth. We stood at the ready just us waitin in the corn. Cannons bein leveled. But there was nuthin but silence for a long long time cept the sound of the snare drums behind us. Maybe they'd just call the whole damned thing off. But then the trumpets sounded and the orders came to advance and than all hell broke loose.

The first volleys rang out and our men fell in waves. Arms jumpin in the air and disapearin. Blood on the corn. We returned fire and I got some good shots in. Daddy trained me well and trained me young. I saw some Rebs hats poppin in the air and down they went. General Hooker had us press forward but then came the cannons and the horses began to explode.

The screams was like nuthin ya ever heard. A terrible hell like thing without description. Not human, not animal but like some demon howlin through somethin wet, somethin damned. Great oaks detonating into splinters. Men crawlin without legs callin out for the mamas. Men sittin wild eyed, like they're starin at some greater horror only they could see. Guts like strange sausages pale and wrapped around the corn stocks as some tried puttin them back in their stomachs. The smoke blanked out the sun into an angry red saucer and the wind was foul with death.

Orders came down for us to pull back but it was all madness. The Rebs forced to the stone bridge over the creek. My platoon entered the skirmish and then everythin went black and I remembered nuthin after.

I woke in some dull light, my right side on fire. Some field hospital in Sharpsburg but I survived. Took a bullet but the doctors said I'm alright. I guess this means I'm retired at twenty-five! I can come home once I'm healed up they said. I faired better than most, my love. There are men here without faces or arms. Never to be the same and wonderin if their wives will ever love them again.

I was told we won. Lee took his army south to the Potomac. But ya hear things here and there. I hear we lost over twenty-thousand men. Two days later and they're still cartin bodies off the field.

Groanin all around me and trays and instruments covered in blood. Blood everywhere. The floors, the curtains, rags, bone saws and everything so bright now. It's strange. Figures seem blurry and smeared. Like gray little ghosts muffling about. When I get home I want that favorite quail meal of yours with the rosemary and roasted potatoes. We'll take the girls down to the crick and have a picnic. Get them new dresses and dolls and later in the year we can have a son at last. A spring child and just around your birthday. He will be tall and may he never know war.

Cold here today. Shivers all over. Oh, the nurse is here. Ingrid. Real sweet. She's been takin care of me this entire time. She told me she'd take my letter. Promised me in fact. Why so sad, Ingrid? What's that face about? I told her I'd be goin home soon and she nodded. I told her all about you and the girls and she smiled. Says you all sound real nice. Okay, just changed my bandage. Damned thing smarts like hell. She looks like an agle - angel now. Says she's stayin with me. Has her hand on my hd - head. Strange. There's a tree in the room and no tent. Ain't never seen that. Big ole tree too. Oak I think. Leaves are silver and waving like brsd - birds. Oh my wonder. My love I -