Spiritual Abuse Comes in Many Forms

It's not that I shouldn't tell my stories, It's that I never should have had these stories to tell. (Cheryl E Preston)

Spiritual abuse has many forms

The temperature dropped to 21 degrees in my neck of the woods last night. Along with it being the month of November, some unpleasant memories returned from several decades ago. Church hurt is real, and as I heal, I hope my past encounters help others.

It was a Saturday in mid-November 2002. My husband and I dropped our daughter off at the local annual Grandin Road Children's Christmas Parade. We drove to church for a leadership meeting where our pastor began berating those in attendance.

One statement he made was troubling. He said we were broke and not receiving financial blessings from the Lord because we did not bring our children to the leadership meeting.

My husband and I left church early to attend a family member's funeral. From there, we picked up our daughter from the parade. As she is heading to the car, I am pondering whether we should how taken her to the church instead of allowing her to attend the parade.

Not leading by example

This is how spiritual abuse affects the mind. Looking back, I know that was absurd, but when you hear these statements week after week, you begin to believe them and doubt your relationship with the Lord.

When my daughter entered the car, the first thing she told us was that she had seen the pastor's wife and three children at the parade. I loved my pastor, and although he has passed away, I would never disrespect him, but: 

He allowed his wife and children leisure time. They were not required to attend leadership meetings. Yet he told us we had financial problems because we did not bring our own children to the church that Saturday. This was not leading by example.

Addressing the issue at hand, this was wrong. If your spiritual leaders are not leading by example and expecting you and your family to do what they are not, wake up and realize you are being spiritually abused.

A few months after this, on a Wednesday afternoon in February, I received a call from one of the church administrators. I was tasked with calling all church leaders and telling them they were required to be be at the 7:00 p.m. service.

The temperature was dropping, and many local churches began closing. By 6:30, it was only 14 degrees, and the streets were icy. Still, we obeyed the command. My husband and I picked up his mother, whose feet were sliding from her front steps, to our van.

Driving was treacherous, and I prayed the entire way. When we arrived and entered the building, most leaders were in their places with their children, but guess who was not in service.

The first lady and her children were safe at home and did not risk their lives in inclement weather like the rest of us. No one should risk life and limb to please a spiritual leader, especially when his family is not doing the same.

Do as I say

My last example of spiritual abuse happened before the ones you have just read. It came to mind as I was writing. In 2002, our pastor was being honored in Atlanta, Georgia. For several weeks, he continued to say, "All leaders are going to Atlanta."

I told my husband that the pastor making this declaration would not guarantee that every church leader could get time off from a job, someone to watch their children, or provide the money needed to travel. I knew I did not have the resources, so I decided not to go.

I remained home with our children. Someone reading this is jumping through hoops to please their pastor and may not realize they are experiencing spiritual abuse.

My mother-in-law kept repeating that the pastor said all leaders were going. I asked her if the pastor was going to pay for our travel, hotel accommodations, and meals.

She was so determined to prove me wrong that she used her credit cards, so she and my husband could attend, and he paid her back later. If you are noticing that your spiritual leader is making unreasonable demands that his family members are exempt from, pay attention.

The Lord is not requiring you to put your life at risk or spend money you don't have to please another human. That's the key. IS what you are doing enhancing the kingdom of God on earth, or satisfying a leader drunk with his own power?