Return to Eternia

There’s an amazing moment in one of my family’s old Christmas videos that always makes me happy no matter how many times I watch it or how many decades have passed since it was filmed. It starts with me digging through my stocking and showing my mom all the cool stuff Santa left for me the night before. I’m clearly happy to have this stuff, but the idea of Santa is still new to me and I’m a little dumbstruck and subdued – not quite as jubilant as you’d expect a young boy to be. Then it happens. My older sister, always far more interested in my presents than her own, says my name and calls attention to something I apparently didn’t notice across the living room. My mouth falls open, my eyes widen, and I shout, “MY HE-MAN!” Immediately I jump away from my stocking and rush over to take a closer look.

Offscreen, my dad (with equal enthusiasm, which I’ll explain in a second) says, “WHAT IS THAT?!”

“He-Man,” I tell him. “And Skeletor!” I then tell my new Skeletor action figure he’s an awful guy.

This scene is repeated in one form or another year after year after year across my family’s home video collection. A lot of kids from my generation had a more eclectic blend of toys and interests: some G.I. Joe, some Thundercats, some Madballs....Not me. The only thing I wanted was He-Man. So, every year I got new He-Man toys, and every year I was super-duper excited about them. This made Christmas a tiny bit easier for my dad to stomach. He’s always been a very proud man, and he found it more than a little difficult to let a fictional fat man from the North Pole take credit for all the gifts he’d slaved away at an auto parts store to pay for. But, as long as I was jumping up and down with elation he could get excited too, knowing that he’d at least done a good of picking out the presents.

He-Man, for those of you who aren’t old enough to remember, was the action-adventure hero for boys growing up in the early 1980s. (His sister She-Ra was introduced in 1985 so girls could get in on the action too.) Every week on his cartoon show – He-Man and the Masters of the Universe – he and his friends would work together to stop his arch-nemesis (the abovementioned Skeletor) and his evil hordes from taking over the mystical Castle Greyskull and the planet Eternia.

According to the backstory, He-Man was the alter ego of Adam, prince of Eternia. One day, for reasons that remain a mystery even now, Prince Adam lifted his sword towards the sky and said, “By the power of Greyskull!” This granted him, quote, “fabulous secret powers” and changed him into He-Man. Likewise, his cowardly, green pet tiger Cringer was transformed into the mighty Battle Cat.

My high school friends, who grew up watching the show just like I did, were shocked to discover that I still remembered so much about it and kept all of my action figures on full display in my room. I could also recite the opening monologue at the drop of a hat.

What they didn’t know was that I had several VHS tapes filled with old episodes that I watched again and again whenever I had a little extra time on my hands. When I left for college my parents moved all of my action figures into storage, but I made doubly sure the tapes came with me. While the other guys in my dorm were stashing porn they’d downloaded from Limewire, I was hoping no one would walk in on me watching my 20-year-old cartoon collection.

Years later, He-Man was finally released on DVD and eventually became available on several streaming platforms. I’ve invited several friends to watch it with me, but they’ve all followed the same basic pattern. They enjoy the nostalgia of it for ten or fifteen minutes, but after that, they get distracted by some of the show’s obvious flaws and shortcomings.

For starters – and this is the criticism you’ll hear most often – the He-Man cartoons have a reputation for being little more than 30-minute commercials for the He-Man toys.

I don’t personally agree with this assessment, but I can see why someone might reach that conclusion. Almost every week there was a new villain character trying to help Skeletor take over Castle Greyskull, which of course meant a new action figure on sale at K-Mart. What can I say? It was a product of its time. The Eighties were the era of big business and crass commercialism. Americans didn’t start pretending to dislike those things until the Nineties.

Another thing the show frequently gets faulted for is its animation style, which bears a passing resemblance to some of the Ralph Bakshi films of the late 1970s (think Wizards, The Lord of the Rings, etc.)

It’s not unwatchable by any means, but by today’s standards it’s a little wonky and crude. The characters sometimes look funny when they run or walk, and the shape of their faces has been known to change from scene to scene. When one character is talking the others appear frozen, often with ridiculous looks on their faces. (Skeletor’s pet panther is the worst offender on this front. Watch him!) A number of episodes have glaring continuity problems. He-Man might be battling Trap Jaw inside a cave in one shot and then flying through the air on an eagle’s back just two or three seconds later.

There’s also a little thing called expository dialogue that drives my inner proofreader absolutely insane. This is when a writer doesn’t trust his or her audience to figure things out on their own and instead has a character explain the entire plot in long-winded detail. Trust me, if you’re ever watching an episode of He-Man and you’re not sure what’s going on, just give it a minute and one of the characters is bound to walk you through the whole thing.

“What’s that you’re holding in your hand, Skeletor?” Beast Man might ask.

To which Skeletor might reply: “What does it look like, you fur-faced nincompoop? It’s the All-Seeing Diamond Ray of Destruction. Using its awesome powers, I will lure He-Man and the Sorceress away from Castle Greyskull and into the trap I’ve set for them in the tar pits around Snake Mountain. Once they’re out of my way, I’ll use the ray to force my way into Greyskull. The king and queen will be powerless to stop me. And then, Eternia will be mine forever!!!!” I know it’s a kids’ show, but damn. Couldn’t they leave anything to the imagination?

Finally, the show has one hilarious problem that I noticed even when I was a kid. He-Man is clearly Prince Adam. Clearly. I mean, it’s even more obvious than the whole Superman/Clark Kent thing. He-Man is literally just Adam with a slight tan and a change of clothes.

For some reason only three other characters on the show seem to realize this. It’s always the same. Skeletor and his minions devise some dastardly plot to conquer Eternia. When news reaches the royal throne room, Prince Adam says something like “Oh, I think it’s time for me and Cringer to lie down and take a nap” and walks away. His parents, the king and queen, shake their heads and say they wish he wasn’t such a disappointing piece of shit (I’m paraphrasing). That’s when one of the three characters who know the truth breaks the fourth wall and gives the audience a little wink.

A few seconds later, He-Man and Battle Cat come charging in and ask the king and queen what they can do to help. No one suspects a thing. (My buddy Matt once asked why the king and queen never look at He-Man and Battle Cat and say to themselves, “Hey, you know, Adam’s got a green cat...”)

I mention these things, because in spite of a million wonderful childhood memories, I know the show isn’t perfect. It’s not well-polished like the Disney and Warner Brothers cartoons. It’s not graceful like My Neighbor Totoro or the other masterpieces from the legendary Studio Ghibli in Japan. No one’s ever gonna compare it to Batman: The Animated Series, another favorite of my generation, which is widely esteemed for the competence of its writing and the sleek beauty of its film noir style.

But none of that really matters when I curl up with my dog and a bag of Doritos on a Sunday afternoon to spend some time in Eternia. When I’m watching He-Man, I see an animated adventure show with a seamless blend of fantasy and science fiction that clearly influenced a lot of what came after it. (Just one example: there are shades of Game of Thrones in season 1, episode 4 - “Dragon Invasion.”) I love the animated desert landscapes and the inventiveness of the show’s visuals.

As I get older, I find humor in things I missed when I was younger. Like the scene in “The Cosmic Comet” (season 1, episode 1) where the writers weren’t sure how to make Mer-Man appear evil, so they just showed him beating the shit out of a random alligator.

Or the split-second moment in “Colossor Awakes” (season 1, episode 3) when He-Man's female sidekick Teela gets turned on while watching him crush some gemstones into powder with his bare hands.

I’m amazed when I realize how some of the plot-lines were several years ahead of their time. In “Day of the Machines” (season 2, episode 3) Skeletor actually uses a computer virus to hack into Eternia’s control systems and manipulate things remotely. Teela’s method of combating this problem is what we now call the Microsoft solution: “Couldn’t we just turn off the current?” Keep in mind that this was created in 1984, long before anyone watching knew anything about computers, hacking, or the internet.

He-Man also had a nice way of imparting life lessons without condescending to its audience or beating them over the head with a message. Every episode ends with one of the characters narrating directly into the camera about something you might have learned while watching. Viewers are encouraged to practice teamwork, be kind to animals, show respect to friends and family, persevere when times get tough, and exercise for a few minutes every day. (He-Man makes sure to mention that you should always consult a doctor before beginning a new exercise or diet routine.) There’s even an episode called “The Great Books Mystery” (season 2, episode 7) where Skeletor of all people says that books are the most valuable things a person can possess.

And speaking of Skeletor, it just has to be said that he is one of the greatest television bad guys of all time. His schemes and intentions might be pure evil, but he has the personality of a jerky older brother that you just can’t help but laugh at. No matter the situation, he never fails to be a sarcastic asshole. This is probably why he’s featured in so many memes, including the priceless Skeletor is Love series where he offers daily affirmations about living, laughing, and loving every day to the fullest.

These are just a few of the reasons why I’ve been binging He-Man and the Masters of the Universe since I was old enough to work a VCR. I'm well aware that not everyone understands this simple pleasure of mine. In fact, one of my exes brought it up when she was breaking up with me. She said my fondness for He-Man was proof that I was an immature man-child who would never grow up and accept adult responsibilities.

I told her she had it all wrong. My fondness for He-Man is actually proof of my consistency. I loved it when I was a kid, I love it now, and I’ll love it forever.