Movies of the 80s: Top 11 Critics Quotes Insulting 'Raise the Titanic'

Recently, we covered 10 notable facts about Raise the Titanic. Now let’s talk about the critics. Much like another recent feature on the topic of a 1980 movie, Loose Shoes, critics loved making fun of Raise the Titanic. The film’s gaudy budget and status as one of the biggest flops in film history at the time, made Raise the Titanic a critical pinata.

Before we look at our favorite critical bon mots, here’s the scoop on Raise the Titanic.

Directed by Jerry Jameson and based on the bestselling novel by Clive Cussler, Raise the Titanic posits a story that the United States Navy is underwriting an expedition to locate and raise the legendary ocean liner, Titanic, from the ocean floor. The reason? They are convinced that the last of a very special kind of fuel is located in the hull of Titanic. Thus, the Navy turns to legendary, yet still quite young, adventurer, Dirk Pitt, played by Richard Jordan, to lead them to Titanic and take them into the briny deep where they plan to use some of Pitt’s newly developed gadgets to lift the lifeless ocean liner back to the surface.

Joining Jordan in the all star cast of Raise the Titanic are Jason Robards as a government liaison. David Selsby as a scientist and friend of Dirk Pitt, Anne Archer as Dana Archibald, a journalist who has stumbled onto the scoop of a lifetime in Dirk Pitt’s secret Titanic mission. Rounding out the cast is the legendary Sir Alec Guiness, fresh from the set of Star Wars. Guinness plays a salty old English sea dog named John Bigelow. He happens to be one of the last of Titanic’s crew to have survived the sinking of the famed ‘unsinkable ocean liner.’

Here are 11 of our favorite Raise the Titanic critical insults.

11. “Not even God can save this sinker” Al Frank Daily Record who also added “Raise the Titanic has all the grace of a beached whale.”

10. “Unfortunately it doesn’t end soon enough, Raise the Titanic may be the most boring adventure story ever filmed” Sharon Johnson The Evening News

9. “Yo Ho Ho-Hum, a Salty Spectacle Beyond Salvage” Desmond Ryan The Register

8. “… never before have I seen a movie that made me doubt the basic wisdom of projecting images on a screen, unless the idea was to develop a celluloid substitute for Sominex.” Larry Kart Chicago Tribune

7. “They may Raise the Titanic but they can’t get the picture off the ground” Ed Blank The Pittsburgh Press

6. “Raise the Titanic is one hopeless project, both as a basic concept and as an entertainment vehicle.” Donna Chernin The Cleveland Plain Dealer

5. After indicating there are good things about Raise the Titanic, critic George Bouwman lamented “But, at the end of Raise the Titanic you’re left with the suspicion that part of it got lost somewhere, forgotten or chopped out without much thought given to whether or not the remainder will tell a satisfying story.”

4. “Raise the Titanic Gives Critic a Sinking Feeling” Sharon Johnson The Evening News

3. “Anyone who can’t figure out what the job is in Raise the Titanic ought to see a film that’s less demanding. Finding one won’t be easy.” Janet Maslin New York Times

2. "On Friday, August 1st, Raise the Titanic sets sail on its maiden voyage in theaters from New York to Los Angeles. It should sink in about a week.” Jack Mathews Detroit Free Press

1. “The script and acting are pathetically substandard, but not funny enough to pass as spoof.” Robert Alan Ross St. Petersburg Times.

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