Learning to write a Bad Review
Am I too nice or just a coward?
I love reading bad reviews. It is where critics are at their funniest.
If there are ten films worse than Bride Wars this year, I quit ... Everyone will tell you it’s a chick flick. Only in the sense that if you ground it up and fed it to battery hens it might be better served than running it through a projector.
Bride Wars, Mark Kermode, The Observer
This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels.
Freddie Got Fingered, Roger Ebert
Come, let’s all go to see Miss Hepburn and hear her run the gamut of emotions from A to B!
Dorothy Parker on Katherine Hepburn
And yet, I don’t write bad reviews myself.
I am a cinephile. I have been to the cinema four times so far this month and have enjoyed all of my visits and three of the films.
I have not yet written about the film I did not enjoy. And yet in the car home from the cinema my partner and I eviscerated it. It was fun. But it would have felt wrong to put it down on paper. I don’t like leaving bad reviews. Unless I can give your company 5*, I won’t respond to an email asking for feedback.
Sometimes this is the right thing. The old adage – if you can’t say anything nice… For example, I learnt an old childhood bully died recently. Facebook was flooded with the sentiment that he was such a sweet, funny chap. It would have been churlish to comment that what I remember was a mean guy who bruised my arm. I mean, he’s dead now. I won. So, I said nothing.
But I still think I should at least try to master the art form of the bad review.
And yet each time I try to be critical, I end up sounding preachy. Like I’m trying to say something bigger about the world. Or I try to say something about understanding how painful words can be. (Like what I have to write could have an impact on what happens in Hollywood – get over yourself, Rachel).
Or it sounds like when I used to give low grades on a student’s assignment, over-compensating with optimism and constructive criticism about potential. (Like some big-shot director needs my words to improve their craft – give your head a wobble, Rachel).
I love cinema. But I’m allowed to be disappointed.
It’s hard because I know getting a film made, especially today, is incredibly hard. You have to have funding, a script, a director, a cast who are all available at the same time. You need all the technical elements, like camera and set crew, cinematography, design, location, sound engineers, an editing suite, caterers, etc. I’ve been on a TV set as an extra and the number of people required for each shot astounds me. And I love it – that element of collaboration and dedication to get the scene right.
But I want to be a good writer and part of that is being able to articulate what doesn’t work, as well as praising what does.
So, if I go to see a film because I admire the lead actors and it is scripted and directed by a feted film maker, but it fails to entertain, I am allowed to say so.
I’m allowed to say the characters are flat and that the director doesn’t trust the audience to understand the complex moral issues, so ensures that all the thoughts and feelings are spelled out in the script. I can state that if a movie only ever tells and never shows, it can get tiresome. Two characters with all their traits described in dialogue, but not showing up in the action, is bad writing. I’m allowed to find some things ponderous and pretentious.
I can say if the dialogue is unrealistic. For example, two women who have a shared ex-lover and discuss him as though he was a poem. They talk about his sexual prowess as if the man himself had written it. And then they force a giggle. “Ha, ha, ha”, they laugh and they can’t look at each other as they do, because they know it is all too embarrassing.
In amongst the beautiful scenery and classy cinematography, I can say, people don’t quote huge chunks of James Joyce by heart. And the sort of people who discuss Joyce, don’t laugh out loud at Buster Keaton films, out of choice. And I can say it felt unrealistic to shoe-horn a scene in the gym, just so that the personal trainer can say that he’s not allowed to hug someone who has just told him that a friend is dying. That is not social comment. It is faintly ridiculous.
I think what I’m really trying to say is – if you don’t get to the cinema very often there are some excellent films out there, but maybe, don’t bother with The Room Next Door.
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About the Creator
Rachel Robbins
Writer-Performer based in the North of England. A joyous, flawed mess.
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Comments (22)
Oh no I wanted to see that. I don’t much like writing super critical film review either.. I struggle so usually do those that I respond to the most and wish to share with others. This made me laugh, “Like what I have to write could have an impact on what happens in Hollywood – get over yourself, Rachel).” 😅 as I felt exposed hahah. Fresh content here Rachel.. What is it the term on rotten tomatoes? Ripe?! 😁
💖
I try not to read reviews until after I see the movie, especially if it’s something I really want to see. I’m too worried it will change my opinion. Congratulations on your top story!
Once a film is out it can't be changed, but only criticise if you can be constructive. I don't report anything bad without good reason. Excellent article.
Congratulations on top story.
Speaking of bad reviews … I watched a Korean drama series and it really tried my patience. You know how when bad things happen to a good character you want the people who hurt them to get payback? This drama was not like that. I had to readjust my way of thinking. But once I got into it, I really appreciated the scriptwriters' efforts. They took me in a completely different direction. However, when I looked up ratings for the Kdrama, people did not rate it highly. I guess they didn't want to readjust. LOL. I'm sorry but I wrote a review and gave the series a very high rating. Who says I have to agree with the other reviewers?
Hey, I have no problem writing a critical review—in fact, I did one on Vocal that got so much attention and some weird attention—I was surprised. I reviewed it with my life experience being different from the young people insulted by it. Everyone has different tastes. I have learned the hard way that when the critics and Hollywood LOVE THE MOVIE, I probably won't like it. I can name some slogs that got over-the-top reviews and truly sucked. I don't get it. So, I read reviews and moviegoer reviews and then decide whether I want to go. Thanks for reviewing this and mentioning not to go. Money from the pocket should be a fun experience, not a disappointment. Oh, and I laughed at the "I won" comment. Yes, you did, and it was appropriate NOT to tell the truth in that instance. Congrats on the Top Story, Rachel.
I'm much the same as you in that I won't go out of my way to write a critical review. To that extent, if I write about something, you can probably take it as an endorsement. But I take guilty pleasure in reading an absolute hatchet job on just about anything. And somehow, they tend to be more memorable than even the fulsome praise. Of all the lines I've read about football, for example, a 1986 World Cup preview stands out for a description of a notoriously brutal Uruguay team as "the kind of team where an offside trap involves tripwires and semtex." Which sticks in the mind far more than endless descriptions of the magical skills of Enzo Francescoli, the solitary footballer amid the psychopaths.
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Congratulations on this top story
Well formatted! Also, congrats on the Top Story.
Congratulations on top story.
The Freddy Got Fingered review is a masterclass, but old Roger was not one to shy away from saying exactly what he thought. It's funny, cos nowadays that might be considered cruel. But, he was looked to as an oracle by many. I agree with Kendall. And your own inner monologue parenthesis. We should be allowed to note when films are not good. It does take a lot of work, effort and money to get a film off the ground, but then you get very arrogant people like Amodovar whom I've watched very little of, because, his films can be a bit,much. Reviews should be written well and they should have naunces, I will agree, but like Kermode (who I think can be cranky, but at least honest and is a 100% cinephile) or Ebert or Parker, you can't polish a turd! I also think it depends on who you are reviewing and such. It can be harder to take emotional stakes out of it, if it's someone closer, I think. Anyway, I've perhaps mumbled enough. I feel your review of The Room Next Door was nuanced enough to explain without just being completely horrible why I might not want to see that movie, and I don't now. Glad to hear the other three live up to the massive hype surrounding them! I couldn't believe I was not subscribed to you, so fixed that. Congrats on a well-written Top Story. In going with Kendall, I would at least get a 4 out of 5. lol.
Great and original topic to focus on! And this is gonna sound like the start of a written piece but it's the truth. "Dear Rachel, I honestly cannot remember the last time I went out to see a film..."
Interesting
I am referring to your beautiful article, but also to the various comments I have read. I believe that we need to separate things well, it's one thing to give feedback in an academic context, or to a friend who asks us or to someone who is learning. It's one thing to write reviews of films and books, songs, already finished works. It's true that many reviews are too nice, but I also often see negative reviews that are too vague, too superficial, as if the person already had a great prejudice or simply didn't want to see and understand. There are film critics who seem to hate all cinema after 1980, and music critics who are stuck on the Beatles, so to speak. Perhaps a negative review needs more explanation, as you did here, to be true and authentic. Generally I don't trust reviews very much and I still go to the cinema to see what I'm curious about. I remember a horrible review on The Matrix, still one of my favorite films! ✌
Hey I found this really interesting. I think it’s easier (but not always possible) to give feedback in person. My former boss was incredible at being able to say what they liked and how I could improve. I didn’t take the “bad” things wrong - it just made me want to be better. I guess I would be more likely to slate a film as I feel like I am not attacking an individual. I think if try to be a little more careful if I am dealing with one person. Hope this makes sense?!
Some thought provoking points Rachel. I have written many book reviews but few movie reviews. For a vocal challenge I wrote a good preview and a subsequent bad review of Barbie which was fun. If I did do movie reviews of the films I have seen recently all but Gladiator 2 would say “too long” 😀
I've never seen a movie I couldn't eviscerate, even and including ones I love, but I would be hard-pressed to write it down. This is a very clever hermit crab essay and I agree. Its ok to say something didn't work. We can't get better if all we do is pat each other on the back for the sheer act of creating. (though of course, I'm not advocating we tear each other down.)
A very clever way of getting around the business of writing a bad review, Rachel! You did and you didn't. I trust your judgment and will skip this flick. Thanks!
I count anyone who quotes Dorothy Parker as a friend, or at least a friend in spirit. Some of her best quotes are from bad reviews, with her review of "The House on Pooh Corner" being a favorite. Bad reviews are important, because without them, people think they're great. I always remember "American Idol" (known in the UK as Pop Idol) as an example. After the first season, it became apparent that many if not all of those trying out said they were told by their parent(s) that they had a gift, and/or they had a gift from God and they knew they had to share it. So, on an episode of "Late Night with Conan O'Brien", Triumph the Insult Comic Dog went to one of the tryouts and encountered a bad singer, a really bad singer, who said that very thing. When the singer left, an actor dressed as Jesus approached the singer and said the equivalent of "You're really not a good singer, and you should stop." As much as I try to support writers, some stuff out there really isn't very good. I'll try to mention anything good, that should be developed, but what can you say about a rhyming poem that's so far out of meter it's like a car with bad alignment, running on 3 flat tires? I try to temper the criticism, though. Every year, a colleague at work asks the rest of our team to be "brutally honest" in providing feedback on his major project. And it is improving, and I try to show tact and restraint, but it can be difficult.
I can't believe I'm about to type this: You need to be harder on themselves! Some things deserve harsh criticism. We live in a time when everyone is afraid of offending anyone else, and yet those quotes you chose are some of the funniest I've ever heard (I have a collection of Ms.Parker's work, and you don’t even have to know the subjects to enjoy them). Now, go out there and burn! P.S. You get a 7 out of 10