Every Reason Why

Today was the day! Pete could barely keep his nerves about himself as he kissed his beautiful wife Lillian goodbye this morning. Five years, seven months, and 3 days she had worn that fake ring. Every time he looked at it, he hated it a little bit more. She deserved something better, but this was all he could afford back then. He couldn’t help but think back to that day, the most bittersweet of all his memories.

*

“Good morning darling.” Came Lillian’s soft voice as she placed a hot cup of coffee beside him. He was typing away, editing his manuscript yet again. He didn’t even bother to look up at her. He heard the chair across him scrape against the floor as she pulled it out. Pete glanced up, like always he was in awe by her. Soft red curls framed her freckled heart-shaped face. Her green eyes were fanned by long thick lashes, she had full pink lips, and a cute little nose. She was breathtaking.

“Good morning beautiful.” He purred back as he took a sip of his coffee. As expected, it was just a tad too sweet for him, but exactly the way she loved it. He would never complain. She offered him a small smile and encouraging nod in the direction of the laptop in front of him. He understood. Back to work. His fingers tapping and his eyes taking sneak peeks of her every few moments. He stopped typing, struck by an idea, he pulled out a little black book. Two hundred and forty pages, he had intended to use it to jot his manuscript ideas with but now it had a much better purpose. “Lilly my love, would you please grab a pen for me?” he asked gently. He began fanning the pages, allowing the paper to graze the pad of this thumb gently. Lillian returned with a simple black ballpoint pen. She returned to her seat across from him and watched him lovingly. Pete opened the book to the first page and wrote three simple words. Every Reason Why. On the next page, he wrote: For giving me your quiet company and loving energy. He closed the book and turned right back to tapping away.

As Pete neared the end of his coffee, he caught the sight of lettering at the bottom of the cup. Curious, he gulped the remaining bit of hot liquid down. Staring up at him from the mug, in a black child-like font: Congrats lad, you’re gonna be a dad! He stared at the words as his brain and emotions caught up. Happiness like nothing he had ever known erupted in his chest. “Are you serious?” Pete exclaimed excitedly, he had gotten up and around the table in a flash. He had her pressed chest to chest in a hug that expressed his happiness better than any words could. “I’ve got to marry her!” he thought happily. He gave her an extra squeeze, kissed the top of her head, and pulled himself back to look into her lovely eyes. “I’ve an important errand to run. I am so unbelievably happy. Please be here when I get back!” He leaned forward and pecked her cheek, her expressive green eyes shocked. He gave her a reassuring smile and dashed out the apartment door.

Pete had been out of work for a few months, living off his savings and waiting for the first royalty check that seemed like it would never come. He was pacing the pavement in front of his beat-up green Honda civic. His nerves were radiating with excitement. He kept taking slow deep breaths trying to calm himself enough to drive. Once his hands stopped shaking, he got in and made the short drive to the bank.

“How may I help you today sir?” came the polite greeting from the teller behind the glass. He was an older gentleman with salt and pepper hair and friendly eyes.

“I’d like to check my accounts, sir. I have an important purchase to make!” Pete beamed at the gentleman. In less than an hour, Pete’s new reality made itself known. He stared at the black and white paper in disbelief. Forty-seven dollars! That is all he had left. The teller had printed all the statements when Pete’s disbelief was abundantly obvious. A few months had been, nine months. He had run through all his savings. He withdrew forty dollars and left the bank feeling like a loser. He checked the local pawn shops. He couldn’t afford any of their rings. Disheartened he went into the local supermarket. He wandered over to the jewelry section and asked the clerk to show him all the rings with his forty-dollar budget. He easily skipped over the gaudy fake rings and settled on a small solitaire cubic zirconia set in sterling silver. It cost him thirty-three dollars. He felt like such a chump. The drive back home was filled with frustration and insecurities for Pete.

Lillian’s beaming face met him as he walked back into their apartment. He could feel the happiness radiating off her. It was contagious, though not as strong as he wished it would be to quell the deep pit of inadequacy growing in his chest. She wrapped her slender arms around him and pecked his cheek. Nuzzling her face in his neck. His arms wrapped around her on their own accord. She was his everything. And if she was happy, he damn sure wasn’t going to bring her down. Instead, he swallowed that ball of shame and dropped on one knee.

“Lillian Grace Bradford, will you do me the honor of taking my hand in marriage?”

“YES!” she screamed and flung herself into his arms.

*

That memory plagued Pete no more. His manuscript had sold wonderfully, his family was secure. Today was their fifth wedding anniversary, and Pete had a plan. The top of his black Mercedes was down, the wind blew gently in his hair. The light was red, he pulled his journal out of his jacket pocket. Out of habit, he fanned the well-worn pages again. Two hundred and forty pages of every reason why Pete could ever think to love his wife. Tucked in the back was an envelope with twenty thousand dollars in it. His plan was set, first, he would pick up her new ring. He had it handcrafted and made specifically for her. The solitaire was two carats supported by white gold with ethereal leaf designs giving the ring an enchanted look. He had worked closely with the jeweler to create the ring for her. Next, he would go and pay for the three-day getaway in Belize. The car behind him honked, snapping Pete from his thoughts. He hastily pushed the journal back into his jacket pocket and pressed the gas.

There was no time, Pete could only watch in horror as the red GMC Yukon raced through the light. His brain did the math, he was going to get hit.

*

“Mrs. Hines?”

Lillian looked up, with hope. It was immediately crushed by the pity and sorrow reflected in this young doctors’ eyes.

“Mrs. Hines” he repeated softly as he approached. He sat beside her with grace, inclining himself towards her. “Mrs. Hines, I’m so sorry, but your Pete didn’t make it. He had some very serious injuries. We did everything we could.”

Could a heartbreak and still beat? How was this possible? How was she breathing right now? This ache in her chest was clearly ripping her in half. Why wasn’t this doctor trying to help her? She felt herself gasp for air, and the dam holding back her tears broke.

“Can I see him?” she whispered almost inaudibly.

“I don’t think that would be a very good idea. Pete had extensive damage to his head and upper body.”

Lillian nodded in understanding; she didn’t want to see her sweet Pete like that.

“May I have his belongings then?”

“I’m so sorry Mrs. Hines, they're apart of the investigation. You’ll have to wait until the police are done processing them.”

Another blow, salt to the wound. Not only had she lost her husband, her best friend, but she also wasn’t even allowed to grieve with the last few things he carried before his death. She looked up at this doctor and his sympathetic eyes and begged.

“Please, at least give me his journal. He carried it everywhere. It was his life’s work. He wouldn’t want anyone to see it. It’s a small black journal. Nothing fancy. Please!?” She begged while squeezing his hand.

Her green eyes were searching his face, pleading with him to grant her this request. The doctor nodded and left Lillian alone with her thoughts in the cold sterile lighting of the lobby. Alone she felt the first tendrils of the pain that would last forever. She worked to breathe, but every breath was a fight. Her chest kept trying to crack open. The doctor returned within a few minutes. Pete’s journal in his hand. She took it gingerly.

“Would you like some company, Mrs. Hines? Do you have anyone you can call?” He asked with genuine concern.

“I would like to be alone, please.”

The doctor nodded, then gave her brief instructions on how to leave when she felt ready. Would she ever be ready? What did that even mean? Lillian sat with Pete’s Journal in her hands. For the last five years, he took it everywhere. Never once had she peeped inside, but now she had an urge that was nearly otherworldly to open it. Her slender fingers flipped open the warn cover it and began to read. Her tears fell heavily splattering the pages. Her heart broke again with every sentence, it broke with grief and love.

Every Reason Why

For giving me your quiet company and loving energy.

For saying YES!

For creating a life with me, and for me.

For allowing me to be pitiful sometimes.

For loving me when I feel like I am failing.

For spitball fights and pizza.

For simply existing.

For your smile.

For your laugh.

For the cleverness in your mind.

For the steadiness of your love.

For being the best mother to our sweet Annabelle.

For your patience with sight words and common core.

For your ability to understand what I cannot see.

For being my lighthouse in the storm.

This was written for you, my love. For every single reason why my heart beats for you.

The End