10 Episodes of Sawbones to Keep You Company in Quarantine

So, COVID-19, huh? Having been declared a global pandemic by the WHO, many countries have instigated quarantine periods, and people are buying TP en masse despite the fact that this isn’t 1846 and nobody’s going to die of dysentery. For their safety, most everyone except for minimum wage service workers are confined to their homes for two-week periods of self-isolation. I’ve been in Shanghai since just before quarantine started, so I’m an old pro at the whole ‘staying in your apartment for weeks on end, only leaving to get snacks, and thinking that I might die if someone doesn’t hold my hand soon’ thing. Oh, wait, that’s just my clinical depression!

But in all seriousness, self-isolation is an incredibly scary and lonely existence, especially on such a wide scale. It can be difficult to have fun and stay optimistic when you’re confined to one area. So, if you can’t make your own fun, store-bought fun, along with 5 gallons of Purell—seriously, do you plan on taking a bath in hand sanitizer? Instead of hoarding, consider donating your excess supplies to homeless shelters, retirement homes, and hospitals where people are more at risk than you and your 2.5 kids in your nice suburban house, Joyce—is fine.

Like any good millennial/gen Z cusp, I enjoy a good podcast to distract me from the nightmarish dystopia I came of age in. And like any conscious person using the internet, I am a casual fan of the McElroy family and their podcasting empire. I needn't explain who the McElroys are. Just Google My Brother, My Brother, and Me, or The Adventure Zone, or Still Buffering, or "why does my teen keep asking me to call them 'Sprite Pepsi'?" and you’ll get a quick and easy rundown of how a trio of brothers from West Virginia became internet sensations, and forthcoming movie stars in Trolls World Tour, a feat they willed into existence.

There are many McElroy podcasts to choose from no matter your niche. My personal favourite is Sawbones: a Marital Tour of Misguided Medicine which sees eldest brother Justin learn about the wacky and sometimes harmful ways people have attempted to treat various maladies, as told by his wife, Dr. Sydnee McElroy. Sawbones is delightful whether you, like Justin (and me), have little-to-no knowledge of medical anything beyond knowing to wash your hands and that vaccines don’t cause autism, or, if you’re more on the Sydnee side of the scale, and relish in gross details of medical history. The episodes are almost always under an hour, and, with some few choice deviations to this rule, largely comical in nature which makes it extremely bingeable.

But Kit, I hear you ask, why would I want to listen to a medical history podcast to distract me from the scary medical history happening right now? Aren’t they going to discuss, like, diseases and shit? To which I say, yes, many episodes of Sawbones do deal with disease. But also, there are a lot of episodes which don’t. At the time of publishing, there are currently 315 episodes with the latest, ‘Revenge of the Weird Medical Questions’ published March 13th. I promise you, there are ample episodes you can listen to without giving into your existential fear.

So, without further ado, here are my top 10 recommendations for Sawbones episodes not about contagious diseases.

Episode 9: ‘John Kellogg’s Odd Prescription’

What’s the Deal: you may already know that Corn Flakes were invented to ‘cure’ masturbation, but, did you know that John Harvey Kellogg was involved in his own brand of quackery to keep the body healthy including a very strict (and strange) spice-free, sugar-free diet to avoid arousal, and general shenanigans around the Seventh Day Adventist Church? In my humble opinion, this episode is maybe the funniest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I listened to it on a five AM flight and, in my attempts to hold in my laughter lest I wake my sleeping mother beside me and every other passenger on the plane, I started shaking, crying, and sweating until I finally had to turn the episode off lest I actually die.

Best Bit: Justin’s continued breakdown over the effect that daily yoghurt enemas (yes, you unfortunately read that right) must have had on Kellogg’s, er, anatomy. We’re really starting off strong because every time I remember Justin’s delivery of the phrase “fleshy tuba”, I think I see god.

Episode 247: ‘The Oregon Trail’

What’s the Deal: for a liveshow in Portland, Sydnee decides to pay homage to the classic video game Oregon Trail by hosting her own version. 1840s doctor must Justin to save their family before they succumb to the many, many ailments that could kill you on the Oregon Trail. Having listened to roughly ⅔ of a medical history podcast, he is as qualified as some of the doctors of the time were.

Best Bit: Justin manages to cure his father, Clint’s dysentery by prescribing him non-contaminated water and opium—to make him constipated, preventing him from dying of diarrhea-induced dehydration—only for Sydnee to reveal that Clint is “so hooked on laudanum now”. A real pyrrhic victory.

Episode 38: ‘Medical Cannibalism’

What’s the Deal: Cultures across space and time have engaged in medical cannibalism for a variety of reasons. However Justin and Sydnee really sink their teeth into Europeans in the 16th-19th centuries, who decided that Egyptian mummies were the best cure for headaches and dizziness among many, many other ailments.

Best Bit: Mummies are not a renewable natural resource! What happens when we eat all the mummies and other questions I have after finishing this episode.

Episode 22: 'Mr. Reich's Sexbox'

What's the Deal: let me just give you some choice phrases from the episode description and the episode itself: 'a real sex weirdo', 'cosmic sex energy', 'the founder of genital utopia', 'orgasmic potency', 'the prophet of the better orgasm'. I could keep going. If you've ever wanted to astral project for 40 minutes while Sydnee talks about a sex-obsessed Austrian man who was weirder than Freud, than this is the episode for you.

Best Bit: the riff on Emma Lazarus' The New Colossus (aka the poem on the base of the Statue of Liberty): "bring me your poor, bring me your hungry, bring me your sex weirdos".

Episode 109: ‘Pliny the Elder’

What’s the Deal: A New York City liveshow pays homage to the patron saint of Sawbones, pre-Renaissance Renaissance man, author of Naturalis Historia and, famed Pompeii fatality, Pliny the Elder.

Best Bit: either Justin going completely off the rails when presented with an opportunity to springboard right into a pool of bonafide comedy magic in the form of Sydnee mentioning Encarta, OR, Sydnee’s musical tribute to Pliny which closed off the episode.

Episode 302: ‘Taint Tanning and Heliotherapy’

What’s the Deal: Sydnee delves into the history of heliotherapy or, light-based therapy, in an attempt to understand why some Instagram influencers (allegedly) believed that sunburning their buttholes would provide them with infallible energy. Yeah.

Best Bit: the recurring TAINT TANNING soundbite.

Episode 223: 'Bee Venom Therapy'

What’s the Deal: is getting stung by a bunch of bees worth it for the sweet, sweet (alleged) powers of their venom, especially considering the bee fatalities which would ensue? Gwyneth Paltrow seems to think so. Sydnee and Justin investigate .

Best Bit: the best way to get stung by a roomful of bees is to say mean things to them. Trust Sydnee on this, she's a medical professional.

Episode 172: ‘The Man Who Ate Everything’

What’s the Deal: Tarrare was a young man with ravenous hunger who ate (among other things): live animals, a small barrack’s worth of wartime rations and, allegedly, babies? Don't listen if you're eating, just ate, or are planning to eat in the near or distant future.

Best Bit: you read the description and think 'babies? Live eels? Man, this dude ate some pretty weird stuff!' and then Sydnee reveals that he ate even weirder stuff. Justin's Shrek comparison is not too far off.

Episode 141: “The Presidents Are Sick”

What’s the Deal: if only the president would get sick, right? Haha, biting political commentary! I’m not even American. But, Justin and Sydnee are, so they trace a line through things that could have, should have, and did kill various leaders of your great (?) nation.

Best Bit: George Washington’s (near fatal) butt pillow. America’s first president almost died because of butt troubles. History is a beautiful cornucopia.

Episode 60: “The Goat Testicle Solution”

What’s the Deal: At the dawn of the twentieth century, John Brinkley became extraordinarily rich after convincing men that impotence, infertility, and other maladies of a genital nature could be cured in a pinch! How did he do this you may ask? Well, by implanting goat testicles into patients’ scrotums of course! Yes the process was incredibly dangerous and people did die from it. No, Brinkley did not have any legitimate medical qualifications.

Best Bit: honestly, the title in itself. On a date with a medical historian and want to impress them with knowledge you learned only hours before (why you’d listen to a podcast about goat testicles before a date is beyond me, but you do you)? Why not bring up goat testicles as an early vitality enhancement! Want your nosy coworker to stop staring at your screen whenever they pass you? Make sure you’re listening to this episode with your screen at maximum brightness when they’re around, it’ll keep them from snooping anymore! Need the creepy guy with the pickup line written on the back of his hand to stop trying to talk to you on your morning subway commute? Tell him you have a podcast on goat testicles to listen to thank you very much, and pop those headphones in!