What Pornography Taught You Wrong

Let me start off by saying that this is not a philosophical or psychological article. I do, at times, write from a more psychological perspective, but this is not one of those times. This is a simple, hands-on guide of what you, the heterosexual guy, should simply not attempt in the bedroom (or potentially, stop attempting).

Pornography has come a long way in the last couple of decades and as a woman I will attest to the fact that it does represent female turn-ons much better. I have a pretty vivid imagination so still don’t often gravitate towards it, but once in a while it’s fun to watch with my husband and occasionally get a new idea or two.

I have noticed though, that, while it has come a long way in terms of representing what actually turns women on, it still has a ways to go. There are certain moves that are regularly portrayed in porn movies, which do not work for any female under this sun that I’ve ever met — and trust me, I’ve laughed about these “moves” with many-a-female.

The biggest problem is, these “moves” are repeated in porn so often that they’ve led many men to believe that they are the holy grail of orgasm-inducing-tricks for them to attempt on their lady and so, sometimes unfortunately, and sometimes quite hilariously, we’ve all had at least some of the below attempted on us. And unfortunately, some of us have faked our happy ending, leading men to keep believing that the below work to accomplish anything besides…well…their partner faking it.

I tried to keep the graphic out of the below descriptions but some detail was necessary for clarity.

The Long Distance Spit

This is where the man, rather than simply putting saliva on his fingers, spits directly at the woman’s parts, generally from a distance. Somehow, in the movies, this appears sexy and Tarzan-like with the man looking like he’s going to roar as his saliva goes flying across the room. This is followed by the woman crying out in surprised joy as it hits her in just the right spot.

In real life, you will be lucky if your saliva even lands where it’s supposed to. Most of the time, she will be crying out, not in surprised joy, but in shocked surprise, as an unappealing gob lands on her ankle.

If you are the Aim Master and it does land in the right spot, she’ll still be making a scrunched up, disgusted face as she feels a gob of something smack into her unexpectedly.

Trust me, just go old school. Put it on your fingers.

The Hand of the Flash

You know how in porn the man uses his finger so fast that even the Flash can’t keep up, and the woman is having the time of her life? Yup….no.

Flip it around. Imagine that a woman grabs your genitalia and starts rubbing at an insane, machine-on-the-fritz speed. Would you find that enjoyable?

You get my point. Whatever sounds she is making that you are mistaking for that sexy zone of pleasure-pain, are just pain. Stop. Stop now. Slow down. It’s not just ok, it’s actually preferrable, for your hand to move at human speed.

The Man of a Thousand Moves

In most movies the couple switches positions, and the partners change their moves, every minute-on-the-minute, whether it’s during intercourse or oral pleasure. This is because porn is made for the viewer, who oftentimes wants to see a bit of everything. That is not how real, sexual interaction works.

Some men forget this fact and start flipping their partner around like an out-of-control yo-yo, showing off every position they are capable of. Even worse, during oral sex, they will go through every one of the fifty techniques they have mastered in the span of sixty seconds.

Again, flip it around. A couple of different positions and/or moves are fun, but if you are moving towards your climax, you need that steady rhythm to get you there, right? If you are almost there and suddenly your partner stops and starts doing something completely different, she just sent you back three steps and you now have to re-build the tension you were feeling.

For most women, a hundred moves with a hundred different rhythms mean she is sitting at square one permanently. The only way some women will see of ending the acrobatics circus (if the two of you don’t have very open communication) is by simply faking it.

Additional Permission Required

In the movies you will often see the man switching between the front and back entries of his partner at will, and without providing any warning to the partner.

First off, not all women are ok with the back entry being used. Period. Let’s be frank, in the real world most women are not as “loosely inclined” as in porn. It can be very painful for some women and simply unpleasant for others. So, you MUST ask for permission before going down that route. Just because she agreed to intercourse does not mean she agreed to anal intercourse. Additionally, even women who enjoy anal intercourse, might need extra foreplay for it, or they might not want to do it at that particular moment due to other factors — such as having had a big meal or potentially digestive issues that day. And, if that is the case, aren’t you glad you asked?

Bottom line is, this entry requires additional permission and warning prior to entry — each and EVERY time. If you fail to provide the above, you may end up on the receiving end of physical violence, such as an instinctual kick to your groin. And no offence, but in this case, it will be well deserved.

The Slapping Match

I’ve saved the best for last. This is a fascinating porn move where the man attacks the female clitoris as if it’s a pinata, whacking at it with either his hands or toys. I admit that for some women this is fun foreplay, but it won’t get them there. Ever. And it needs to be done sparingly, with you gaging your partner’s reaction.

So, this is where you say “yeah, but that one woman that I was with, she really loved the one move you said is bad”. That’s possible. I don’t disagree. Most women will not like the above, but there is that one in a thousand. However, there is also the possibility that you didn’t gage her reaction well. That’s something you’ll need to figure out and I realize, sometimes that’s hard.

Verbal communication would be easiest. If our partners just told us “Hey, that sucks. Never do it again,” it would really save a lot of guesswork and time. However, the truth is that in the middle of a sexual interaction many women will feel bad stopping their partner and saying that whatever the partner is doing is awful. Additionally, for some couples, open sexual communication is something that takes time to grow. So, especially early in this part of a relationship, many women will give out cues that they hope their partner picks up on.

One often misunderstood cue is wriggling. This is when you are doing something and your partner is moving her legs closed, changing positions, and just generally wriggling around. Sometimes, this appears like a wriggle of pleasure to men. It’s not. She is trying to move away from what you are doing and hoping that if she wriggles away you’ll change moves.

Also, some women, scared of offending their partner by verbally stating what doesn’t work, will veer towards positive reinforcement by clearly pointing out what does work. They’ll make very clear sounds of enjoyment when things are going well, and turn much quieter, or silent, when the man switches to something that isn’t giving them pleasure. If you’ve noticed this pattern with your partner, all you need to do is eliminate the ‘sounds of silence’.

And, lastly, if you are honestly unsure, just ask.

As I said, many women have a difficult time stopping a man and telling him that something isn’t working. This is because they like/love you and are scared to hurt your ego by wording things incorrectly. However, practically all women will truthfully answer if you say something that will make it clear that their dislike of your move won’t offend you as a person. For example, “Do you like this? It’s ok if you don’t. Be honest. I want to find things that you enjoy.”

In the end, your ‘moves’ are not you. Sometimes you will try something and it will suck. You know what, same goes for your partner. They will flop at times. And sometimes, the things that suck the most, make for the best stories later. Remember that super embarrassing moment you had as a teenager that you now laugh about? Sex is no different. The relationships that last are the ones in which partners can laugh together. And trust me, my husband and I have practically peed ourselves laughing at some of our ‘experimental disasters.’

Originally published in Medium