Reasons for Closing, or Simply Not Opening a Relationship

People often feel very passionate about ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy) — whether passionately for, or passionately against it. Due to this, ENM focused articles are often very one-sided, making ENM sound like the cure-all for relationships, or the poison that will destroy all couples. I don’t subscribe to either mindset.

I believe that many couples are miserable because their entire relationship is on auto-pilot, with zero analysis or honest, self-aware discussion of what each partner actually needs — just a blind following of pre-taught, societal norms. However, getting off auto-pilot does not mean having to jump into ENM — to do that would also be a kind of auto-pilot response. Getting off autopilot means the couple sits down and puts actual thought into who they are as individuals and what they need as a couple to be healthy together, long term. That may mean ENM, and that may mean monogamy. The answer is person, couple and situation dependent.

I have seen (and written) a number of articles that focus on how to decide if a couple should open up a relationship. I think it's important to discuss when you should close a relationship, potentially temporarily and potentially long-term.

Sex with alternate partners should not be a replacement for sex with your partner

You say that you are doing this to spice up your sex life. Are you though? Or are you covering up a lack of intimacy between you and your primary partner? Consider the following examples:

Josh and Carlos:

Carlos enjoys sex with his partner Josh, but once is a while he really likes BDSM. Josh isn’t into it, but does it, on occasion, for Carlos. While Carlos loves Josh for doing this for him, the bottom line is that BDSM simply isn’t Josh’s thing and Carlos doesn’t enjoy making his partner do something that his partner feels weird about. Carlos prefers to have sex in the ways both him and Josh enjoy with Josh and use ENM to get the BDSM experience every now and then.

Juni and Paul:

Juni and Paul have an active sex life and both enjoy it. However, Juni is bisexual and wants to explore sex with women as well. Sometimes she does so alone, and sometimes her and Paul do it as a throuple.

Isla and Mick:

Isla and Mick barely have sex — once every two to three months is a stretch for them. Mick likes to say he has a dad-bod, but the way Isla sees it, it’s a beer belly and an inactive, unvaried, daily life. She finds the combination of Mick’s appearance as well as what it represents, a turnoff. Isla thinks ENM will wake up her husband from his monotonous existence and bring excitement into their relationship again.

Do you see the difference between Isla and Mick and the other couples? The first two couples enjoy sex with each other. They like to be intimate together and ENM is simply adding something to that. Isla wants ENM because she doesn’t actually want to have sex with her husband. Rather than addressing her intimacy issues with Mick, she is replacing intimacy with him, with someone else. Isla finds Mick physically off-putting and she also finds that he’s turned into a mundane person. Far too many couples feel this way to some extent when they go into ENM. ENM then turns into a relationship disaster and rather than analyzing why, these couples blame ENM.

If you don’t want to have sex with your primary partner, ENM will not spice up your primary relationship and somehow, magically make you want to get in bed with each other again. What it will do, is help one, or both of you, find someone you do love to have sex with and replace your primary partner with them. And maybe your new relationship will be better, but maybe it will end up turning out just the same, if you remain unable, or unwilling to analyze why your sex drive towards someone is weaning and work on that, rather than just running towards a new person each time, because that’s easier.

You and your partner don’t go on dates

When you start seeing new people in ENM, you will go on various dates. This will make you start comparing the fun you are having with new people to the fun you are NOT having with your primary partner and that’s going to cause issues like one person feeling that their partner is trying harder for strangers than for them. Additionally, we all notice that conversations are better when we get out of our comfort zone in our house. We start talking about things besides bills and groceries. We start talking about all those little things that brought us together in the first place.

If you are no longer doing that with your primary, but begin doing that with alternate partners, you will soon find that you are drifting away from your primary and towards someone else.

So, maybe you are saying, “but we don’t have time for dates”. If that’s the case, then how do you have time for more partners? If you don’t have the time to have regular dates with your primary AND a secondary, you should probably stop seeing secondaries and make a date with your primary.

You are going through other life-defining changes

Even good changes bring additional stress with them. If you are thinking about ENM, I suggest starting it when all else is stable. If your kids move out and you excitedly jump into ENM the day they leave, you won’t know whether potential depression, anxiety etc… are caused by ENM or by the empty nest syndrome you never expected to experience.

The same goes for large moves — such as to a new state or country — big job changes, death in the family etc.

If you are already practicing ENM, this may be a time when you want to take a break while you and your primary partner recover and restabilize together.

You are not able to talk to each other about your experiences

When couples have ENM arrangements such as not telling each other anything about their individual experiences, that is a red flag for me. ENM should be a journey that you undertake together, as a couple. If you want to keep your partner out, you need to ask yourself why.

The answer could be as simple as one partner being too jealous. There are many couples that start out this way and over time, with trust and communication, the jealousy subsides. However, there still needs to be that communication, even if it’s initially hard. Otherwise, the jealous partner just becomes more and more jealous because they have to substitute actual knowledge of what’s happening with whatever pops into their already insecure imagination.

The other reason partners often insist on complete non-disclosure is because one (or both) of the partners knows that what they are doing is crossing the lines. Perhaps you’ve made rules and one partner has stopped sticking to them. Perhaps the level of intimacy with a secondary partner has become deeper than what is between the primary partners. In any case, full non-disclosure generally means trouble. So again, ask yourself why you aren’t communicating and perhaps work on that first before you go into ENM.

You have very specific personal issues

We all have our issues and most of them are a lifelong journey to work through. That doesn’t mean you can’t practice ENM. However, some specific issues will seriously impact ENM ability. One such issue is fear of abandonment. If you, or your partner have a severe fear of abandonment, ENM will play havoc with your mental well-being. Whether you have gone through adoption, had someone who was imperative in your life walk out on you, or any other reason, you need to work past those abandonment fears before you will be able to handle sharing your partner with anyone else.

Again, in my opinion ENM is neither right nor wrong. It can be amazing for some couples while simultaneously ripping other couples apart. My advice is, don’t let ENM be the new, relationship auto-pilot: your relationship needs a kick, so you jump into ENM. There should never be any ‘jumping’ when it comes to ENM. There should be serious, self-aware consideration and discussion.

Originally published on Medium