comedy
Comedy and humor in the sexuality space.
Skip the Games Shakespeare
Romeo, Romeo, where is my Romeo? Are you in my inbox? Or my recent call list? Maybe in my DM. Hey, maybe I have it all wrong; can I find you under my bed? Behind my shower curtain? Tucked down behind my car? I must find you; For who is Juliet without her beloved Romeo? Scccrrraattchhh!!!! Kill the music, everybody duck down, and please for the love of God somebody call 911! We have to let them know that if you feed these guys after midnight or add water, they multiply! All of a sudden it’s: 🎶one little, two little, three little perverts, four little, five little, six Little perverts, seven little, eight little, 9 little perverts, 10 little pervert men!! 🎶 Ok. So today, like most days was nothing shy of a circus; an all around shit show. The start of my day was like most, shower, hair, makeup.. Get dressed up to get undressed…Deal with jealous, paranoid man in prison, while stressing about everything. What is it about this line of work that attracts very confident men then turns them into paranoid schizophrenic mental patients? I mean, Jimity fucking crickets, as if dealing with multiple personalities from various clients day to day isn’t bad enough, I’m privileged with multiple personalities from one seriously obsessed husband; there seems to never be a quiet, peaceful moment. After the morning “Man-tantrums”, In comes a vicious cycle of “Attention Deprived Insecurity Induced Drama”. I should just go ahead and have this shit medically and mentally classified as ADIID. I should probably call in Dr. Phil and have everyone begin calling me “Nikki Whoa” because testing my gangster this early in my day makes me want to say “‘Yo, catch me outside”! As I have stated before, Im a unicorn in a sea of horses. A constant fight for survival with only two directions to run; Work smarter not harder or be dumber and slumber. Methodical and strategical; tactical and practical. To succeed In a disaster induced atmosphere, one must be prepared to stay ten steps ahead of everyone in her path. This is an acquired skill, one that doesn’t come as standard issue on the various “treats” that are littered across the adult classifieds. Drive and determination in addition to goals and a desire to use this industry as a steppingstone for something better, fuels a money-hungry go-getter with the power to overcome any and all obstacles that may stand in her way to success. The secret, is learning to become a very talented actress with a slick tongue and quick wit. Just like a fighter, you find your opponents weakness and pounce on it. You must become a predator and stalk your prey. It’s a dog eat dog world, and I want to eat steak, not kibbles. This business can be extremely lucrative, but you must be willing to step inside the minds of the darkest, creepiest, sex craved maniacs. Beware, treacherous curves lie ahead…. You know, most of these patrons, make this job feel like stealing candy from little babies. It’s wrong, and you know it’s wrong, but having it come so easy is part of the addiction. Ninety percent of these men have something weird about them that makes me feel like I came down with a deadly dose of Anal Glaucoma, (because I sure as hell can’t see my ass dealing with them today). But as the old saying goes, money talks, bullshit walks… So I put on my dummy armor and head for my future migraine. The phone starts to chirp and I embark on my adventure for the day. Will it be candy canes and gum drops or shit roasted wiener dogs? To no surprise, the first caller doesn’t disappoint. He is hopped up on Viagra and old school player confidence. “Rico suave” ends up being “Nico don’t come my way!” and pulls up in a 1995 Buick LeSabre equipped with a spiderwebbed front windshield and broken passenger door handle. As he smiles and shows his nicotine and coffee stained chompers, you get slapped in the face with his overindulgence of Aqua Velva and Stetson. He licks his thumbs and smooths his eyebrows, and steps out of his redneck Cadillac trailing yesterdays fast food wrappers across your driveway. The first thought that crosses your mind? “Hola señor no Habla Inglis” and run back inside to the comfort and safety of your humble abode. Ahhh, wishful thinking. Rent is due, car needs gas, husband needs bond money and the kids need EVERYTHING! It’s kind of like diving into a cold deep swimming pool; hold your nose and pray. Then once Chester-the-Molester’s inside, you feel scraped and burned, disgusting and returned. Ten minutes later, he is cursing at the LeSabre as he has to work to restart it. Then finally, to no avail, he backs out and into the street and relief washes over. Holy shit, I’m sure glad he’s gone! Now back inside to remove his awful stench from you and your surroundings. The day continues with text and phone calls that never cease to amuse me. Just when I think I’ve heard it all some idiot hits my line with something so entertaining, I must screenshot the interaction and share it with whoever will listen. I actually think some of the guys believe that if they try hard enough , they may win an escorts heart over, forever dipping and slipping in her income. I do want to make it clear, not all clients are bad clients. Occasionally one comes along that makes life a little easier; a normal guy. Maybe he’s married, or single, or just likes living alone, but unlike their counterparts, these guys, are much more rare than a unicorn in a sea of horses, they are more like finding an albino alligator in Alaska. If you happen to luck upon this very unusual oddity , then treat him like the valuable ornate being that he is and keep him coming back. These are the special ones I attempt to mold into what I like to call “Sugar Daddy Prospects”. Although these guys tend to be much more clingy and needy than the aforementioned, they provide a safety and comfort unlike anyone else. It’s amazing to have someone to call when things don’t go as planned. It’s like having a “on call boyfriend”. No drama, no headaches, or laundry scattered on the floor. He’s there for your convenience as you are for his. I always prioritize these relationships over my other clients because having someone to call if things get rough is extremely invaluable. They aren’t always generous enough to make them the solo-dolo, but it’s an amazing feeling to not have to sweat small shit and knowing you have a backup plan makes this whirlwind life a little more stable. This industry is extremely profitable and the fast, easy money can be an addiction worse than drugs. For me, it was a curse placed on me at a young age. I saw the glamor and glitz, then got completely lost in a pile of crumpled bills larger then I had ever seen. Very quickly I developed what I like to call “Princess Brat Syndrome” or “PBS”. It’s symptoms include, but are not limited to, snobbish-laughter, uncontrollable whining, spontaneous tantrums, extreme laziness , and a horrible case of “resting bitch face”. The ability to acquire and work a normal job is now out the window. Even when attempted, I am faced with the awful realization that the paycheck i worked so hard for all week could’ve been made in an hour being spoiled and pampered by one of the many suitors lined up to be center of my attention at that time. Fast forward, 20 years, and here I sit, alone in an expensive hotel room, waiting for my miracle. An intelligent mind vanishing into thin air, unable to see the catastrophe that lies ahead. At 41, I’m starting over. I’m in college, I am promoting myself and my brand all over social media and then chasing a dream I’ve had since adolescence. My days are hectic and extremely tight, but my desire to regain confidence in myself continues to be a driving force. I am determined to succeed in becoming a normal, law abiding citizen. Unfortunately though, in my world, you have to shovel a little shit to be able to ride the horse. So, it’s onto the next, I hope for the best, and pray some idiot doesn’t put my patience to the test.
By Nicole Poston3 years ago in Filthy
3 The Hard Way
Well, here it is another Friday night after work, and nothing to do. I am tired of sitting in the house and so is my lady. I mope around on Facebook and eventually check my emails... There are a few unread messages and some spam. I see one email from a female friend that says hey I'm having a pool party and would love for you two to come. There is gonna be food, drinks, and adult fun. So I was like cool that sounds like fun. I looked at the date and it was tonight! like right now! it started literally an hour ago so hell yea we are going! So we get ready and make a quick stop at the store to pick up some drinks and some ice. One thing I learned when going to a party is you never go empty-handed; extras are always welcome. So we pull up to the house and cars are everywhere! You can hear the music playing from the backyard and it looked like more people were pulling up at the same time as us. I got a text that said hey if you not busy I'm at this party and you should come. I look at the address and say hey we're outside right now. The text reply said cool see you in a min. So we walk in and were greeted by the hostess with hugs. As she introduced us around the room as we walked into the kitchen to put the drinks and ice on the table. I get another text that says where are you. I said we just stopped in the kitchen. We headed to the pool I think. So we walk out to the pool and people are dancing around the pool, on the patio, and in the pool. Again the hostess introduces us to the group and everyone says hi. Then I get another text. How you just gonna walk by me and not say anything! As I looked up from the text there she was. I said oh shit how did I miss you?? she said I really don't know maybe you don't remember what I look like. I said no that's not the case. As a matter of fact, this here is my lady, and I have told her all about you. Oh really... and did he tell you I wanted to meet you and see what kind of friendship we can spark my lady said yes I'm looking forward to whatever your sexy spicy Latina ass can through my way. She says I can throw this ass in a way that will blow both of your minds. I say well we should all get a few drinks in us and see what happens from there. So I go in and get us 3 simple mixed drinks and come back out to the table they have for us. We start talking and at first, it was just a general conversation to start and progressed into relationships and what's expected. We're on round three and I say I'm going to get the next round what would you like? and at the same time, they say we coming in and making our own drink cause these last two were weak as fuck! Now in all this time people have gotten out of the pool and are all on the patio dancing, drinking, and talking. We inside and I grab something to snack on real quick as I watched them pour their drink heavy on alcohol with a splash of juice. I say well damn ya alcoholics had I known you wanted to eliminate the option of walking I would've been making drinks as strong as the Rock! They laugh and while we are inside the music gradually went to a medium to slow pace. I hear one splash then two three and four splashes and I say well sounds like the pool portion is back on let's go outside. So we walk outside and as I take a sip I glance into the pool and see naked couples having sex. I stopped and said oh shit that's done... and as I was about to say something else I look towards the patio and see a guy's face buried in a pussy as she sits on the table and beneath him was a female giving him some head. I am stuck and mesmerized trying to comprehend what was happening I hear a splash and I turned around and my lady has already stripped down naked and jumped in the pool. The other standing there ass naked and said are you getting in as she step off the edge into the pool. Again I'm stuck and just looking. At this time the hostess walks up behind me and whispered in my ear this is the adult games portion of the party she squeezed my ass and said get in Big boy. I shake off the sheer astonishment of what's going on and start to get undressed. As I look in the pool I see my lady has got behind her rubbing her titties from the back and she rests her head back on my lady's shoulders getting kisses. My lady stops for a second and says hurry up and get in here and help me. So by now, I'm rushing to get naked and get in. No one mentioned the water's cold before I stepped into the pool. As I regret getting into cold water butt naked I make my way over to them and get right in front of them. We made a sandwich outta her and we all rubbed on each other. She decides she is gonna rub my lady pussy and my dick at the same time while my lady rubs on her, one hand on her titties the other on her pussy and I grab on her ass. She starts to moan and my dick is getting harder. She picks her legs up in the water and slides my dick right in. She let out a moan and lean back to kiss my lady while she starts to rock back and forth on my dick. She says to my lady I want to taste you while I ride his dick. My lady says ok follow me. We go to the stairs in the pool and I say do you want to eat it from the back or the front. She says ima eat it from the front you eat it from the back and fuck me at the same time. My lady was like yea I like the sound of that and by the way love if you wanna try something different while your back there then go ahead. So she sits on the steps and my lady climbs on top of her face and lowers down slowly and she immediately goes to work. Her legs wide open I slide right in and start to eat my lady pussy from the back. I'm stroking but I'm not able to eat the pussy right so I decided it's time to try ass eating! I slide my tongue across the asshole and my lady jumps a little. Now she eating my lady pussy I'm fucking her and eating my lady asshole. My lady rocked back and forth and she hear my lady moan. people watching us and a guy walks over and asks if he can get some head from my lady and our mouths are busy so my lady said they can't answer so I will answer and she pulls him close and started sucking his dick slow at first then built up to a ferocious double hand twist super wet tip to shift sucking that she has perfected over the years on me. All we hear is moaning, slurping, splashing, and music. Then we hear a female say girl let me help you with that and she sits down and goes between his legs and starts sucking his balls. You hear him moaning out My God!! that was literally like a queue for all our bodies to synchronize. I began to stroke deeper and lick deeper. Her face is fully engulfed in my lady's pussy and she moans as she licks and I stroke. My lady starts to deep throat and gag then his girl starts to moan. From the angle, I was at I saw another chick between his chick's legs eating her pussy and a guy fucking her doggy style. This has gone from a 3way to a chain of pure fucking and now no one is in the pool. We are all making a chain around the pool starting from inside the pool. The guy getting his balls and dick sucked says oh shit I'm cummin and right as my lady pulls the dick outta her mouth his girl stopped sucking his balls and he blasted them both in the face with cum and his girl continues to sick the rest of the Nutt outta him. His girl was so excited she squirted in the face of the chick eating her pussy which made her cum on the dick she was riding doggy and at that same time I came hard and her muscles clamped down on my dick and she moaned which was the right vibration to make my lady cum all on her face and clamp her butthole on my tongue and I came again from both of them cumming. Now everyone is weak and the music has stopped and the rest who were just watching started clapping in celebration. We all start to break the chain up and go to get into the pool to cool off and regroup. Now both of the ladies are super primed and ready for more. So we make our way out of the pool and inside to get another drink and dry off. She says I will be right back. I turn to my lady and say, good thing I took that gas station pill cause we both know that I would've only lasted long enough for a TikTok video. She comes back and says I found a room let's go finish this. So we follow her into the room which was lit up red and you lay on the bed. My lady goes in and says let me return the favor from outside. Now my lady is eating her pussy twisting her nipples and switching to long licking her pussy. My lady ass is in the air just waving back and forth and I just watch them for a little bit until I get hard again. I get on the bed and get right behind my lady. I start licking her pussy just to make sure it's wet so I can slide in. As I slide in she let's out a soft moan and my lady goes deeper into her. I start the stroke off slow and it's rhythmic as she licks I go in and out of her pussy. I watch her ass as it bounces and waves with each soft hit. I look into her face and see her eyes half open rolling back and also covered in ecstasy. So I start to speed up and her titties and her ass start to shake with each thrust. Clap clap clap clap clap faster and faster. My lady says don't cum either of you! She was moaning so loud my lady knew she was about to come and the same for me cause she knew the stroke she knew it wasn't long for me either. So she said both of you slow down. So I started to slow down my stroke and she saw you were calming down a little. Then my lady said I want to try something I had seen in porn. So my lady went back to eating her pussy and stuck a finger in there just long enough to have her juices on it. Then took her other hand and did the same thing. But my lady left one finger in the pussy while she was licking and sucking it and slipped the other one in her asshole now she is losing her mind and I see it on her face. My lady says to stick your thumb in my ass while you fuck me and I do exactly that. We have a nice rotation going and the bed is telling the tale. Now it's getting to the point where the thrusting is deep and cummin is imminent! I start to go from a moan to vocally say I'm about to cum. Shit, I can't hold it and she says bring that dick to me. So I pull out and hold my dick tight til I get to her face and she opens her mouth and sucks my dick in and I let go... I came hard in her mouth and she kept sucking, didn't miss a beat. I let out a loud moan saying Ooooh Shiiit!! She swallowed all the Nutt and my lady comes up and start kissing her saying I want to taste all of us. She stopped kissing her long enough to put the dick in both of their faces and they both started sucking and licking on it again. I had to pull away because I couldn't take anymore. I collapse on the bed and then I see my lady raise the other one's leg and say one last thing I wanna try. My lady put her wet pussy on hers and start to ride her like a dick was In her. I'm not gonna lie this looked so hot and it got me hard again just watching. Rubbing pussies and you could hear the squish of pussy back and forth. This was new to the both of them cause I heard oh shit I'm cummin, shit me too, and I'm jacking my dick about to shoot dust out that motherfucker from so much use today. Then it happened the squishing got louder and so did the moans and then SHHHHIIIITTT!! squirting was like a wide-open sprinkler!! I got wet up the bed got wet up hell later found out the wall got wet up too. We all passed out In bed and woke up the next morning to the hostess of the party cooking breakfast saying it sounded like you three had an amazing time last night. Good thing I got cameras all over the house so I can watch it later wink.
By Raymond Carter3 years ago in Filthy
The Dragoness' Flame (Official Stories)
"For most people, turning eighteen is no big deal. But in my world, turning that crucial age is everything. It's a ritual that has been upheld since the Goddess, herself, created us. Dragons. Strong, powerful creatures that could take down a city within hours.
By Castiela Estarossa3 years ago in Filthy
Female Fellatio Finesse
This one is for those of those who have gone down on a man and gave the performance of their lives. I remember the first time my best friend told me she went down on her boyfriend, I was also dating someone at that time but we hadn't done anything sexual yet, but she said it was such a powerful experience before because he was crazy about her and he treasured her.
By Mae McCreery4 years ago in Filthy
The Clown: Part 1
The kitchen was dark and I could smell something sticky, I looked down and made out Oscar, my shadowy black cat, eating from a bowl of tuna that was bigger than her. I kept on moving in the dark and saw the glowing rectangle of the bathroom door, and it pulled me in. Before I knew it my hand rested gently on the door, pushing it open slowly to reveal my partner Eric laying on the floor, half propped up against the bathtub. His hands were on his belly and he was crying. “Oh my god,” I gasped as I knelt down to him, “what’s wrong Eric!?”
By Dick Buttersworth4 years ago in Filthy
Boobs, Bras and Virginity
From the age of 14 my thoughts were totally consumed with sex, my hormones had hi-jacked my body and I had lost control and not only in my waking hours there was no relief in sleep either. I spent these early adolescent years harbouring what seemed a permanent erection, a ‘stiffy’ that would not subside and woke most mornings finding my underpants bathed in a sticky residue after experiencing another erotic dream. Everything turned me on and I had absolutely no control to the point where I even struggled travelling on the bus and on many occasion I had to stay on past my stop in fear of alighting with an obvious erection protruding from my trousers. The bouncing of the bus especially travelling over railway tracks would spark a reaction and it would often take 2 or 3 stops past my destination and some serious concentration, usually reciting my seven times table in my head (I always had trouble with my seven times table) before my condition had subsided enough allowing me to stand and vacate the bus. Playboy magazines and in particular ‘Playmate of the Month’ became my study material beautifully formed and surgically enhanced women dominated my reading library and I swear I used to believe that all women had staples in their belly buttons thanks to the many centrefolds I had studied after all I had never seen a real live women naked. I’d been pleasing myself over glossy photo shopped models for ages even after deciding to continue at the risk of going blind. I was forever being told along with my school friends that blindness was a bi-product of too much self-gratification and that the Lord Jesus sees all and I was destined for hell. These myths and old wives tales were continuously being fed to us by teachers and religious leaders wanting to curb our so called evil ways but the thought of having my sight diminished by a higher power wasn’t enough to curb my uncontrollable desires even if he was watching. Although I had not entered into the real world of female nakedness at this point in my life and my only experience of actually touching the female form had been restricted to a glancing brush of a breast while engaged in some heavy snogging with a local girl behind the school bike shed. She was the sister of a friend of mine and a year older and it was she who instigated our after class activities and as these snogging sessions became more frequent it was becoming more and more obvious that things were about to move into the next phase. It was during one of these bike shed liaisons that she just blurted out “do you like my tits?” and like a trembling fool I mumbled “Oh yes, oh yes they are beautiful” and before I could continue she proceeded to unbutton her blouse, lift up her bra and expose the most perfectly rounded succulent breasts for me to view, although trembling I just did what any pimply hormone induced 15 year old sex addict would do, yes I dived in head first and began to bury my face in between them deeper and deeper until they were muffling out the surrounding sounds as I uncontrollably dribbled like a Labrador enjoying a juicy bone.. The excitement was too much for me and to be honest I’m not sure how long I was submerged between them but when I eventually came up for air I was smiling like a Cheshire cat, my ears popped like I had been flying at altitude and as my hearing returned to normal and they took in the surrounding noise of everyday life I realised my underwear once again had become awash in a wet sticky mess. We continued to see each other twice a week over the next 6 months and although we never advanced past boob manipulation and I still remained a virgin I had become a proud master of unclipping and removing a ladies bra with one hand like a well trained Ninja, while keeping the other free and available for further body exploration, a very useful skill which would be of benefit to me in the future. They say you always remember the first time you have sex no matter how long ago or how many partners you may have had since and this is certainly the case for me. Although my bike shed exploits had become a distant memory they served me well through my baron 15th year which had been sexually non eventful and discreetly passed without so much as a sight of a boob let alone real sex, but I was now into my 16th year I still had not actually progressed towards my manhood, but that was all about to change when 2 weeks before my 17th birthday I eventually lost my virginity. Yes it was memorable and I will never forget it but sadly for all the wrong reasons, to say it was a disappointment would be an understatement it was in fact traumatic and definitely not what I had imagined my first time to be like. The evening began as most Friday nights did with myself and a group of friends sneaking into one of the less reputable public houses where we would be guaranteed to be served. Liverpool had many Pubs that turned a blind eye to the age laws and we took full advantage of these watering holes and accepted their hospitality wholeheartedly. Eventually we would end up in a night club again who’s interpretation of the law was lacking and rather worse for wear after consuming large quantities of Lager. As the night progressed and my new found self-imposed Dutch courage took over I approached a really beautiful girl who was with a small group of friends whom I had observed was shyly glancing over her friends shoulder towards our group, smiling and displaying all the signs of actually liking me, I introduced myself and we chatted and danced for what seemed like hours, the time just evaporated away when suddenly the venue lights flickered on and the bouncers started ushering everyone out into the cold night air, my friends and hers had all left and we stood alone on the pavement declaring how rude we must have seemed for them to abandon us like this as we had completely got lost in each others company, so like any White Knight would do I offered to walk her home which she accepted, linked my arm kissed me and we headed down the road towards her house . We soon arrived after what only seemed like minutes but in reality took an hour, I was so caught up in the moment that I had no concept of time and as we stood at her front door we started to kiss then tongues got involved and my new found Ninja skills took over releasing the clasp of her bra with one hand while the other roamed around fondling the rest of her body. We were now into some heavy petting and both enjoying the moment when she whispered “You can come in, but be quiet my mum and dad are in bed upstairs”. The house was a typical 2 up 2 down terrace and the walls were paper thin and definitely the kind of accommodation you couldn’t swing a hamster in never mind a cat, but this was an opportunity I was not going to miss. We crept along the hallway and into the lounge and purposely not turning on any lights we lay on the floor in silence and continued our sexual exploits, kissing biting and shedding clothing. When suddenly we heard a creek, we both froze for a second and listened “shhh don’t make a sound she whispered into my ear” at this point I think my heart stopped, but after a few seconds all was quiet again and our exploits continued where we left off. Trousers and undies off, shirt off, bra and panties discarded and as quietly as I could while laying on top of her I began to enter her, my head was awash with a thoughts of my seven times table “one seven is seven 2 sevens are 14 etc etc” I didn’t want to ruin this moment with an uncontrolled premature embarrassing release. Then suddenly as I continued to thrust there was a huge smack on my bottom, ‘whack’ a big wet smack hit me across my backside, this time I was sure I was about to die and as I turned around expecting to see an angry parent standing over me I realised I was being mounted by the biggest fucking dog I’d ever seen. There I was as naked as the day I was born being molested by a horny bloody Labrador.To say the episode was over would be an understatement there now was movement from the upstairs, footsteps could be heard and like a true hero I was up dressed and heading for the bus before things could get any worse after all I wasn’t about to hang around to meet any more of her family. Although it was an absolute none romantic episode a total disaster which had probably left me with a permanent heart defect at least I was no longer a virgin, although penetration was minimal but it was penetration and therefore in the eyes of Sods law legally I had lost my virginity. Having left in rather a hurry that evening and without exchanging contact details we never saw each other again but there will always be a special place in my heart for that young lady a special place I’ve labelled ‘Cherry Popper’ and she will never be forgotten. I have often wondered if she ever found a secret place in her heart to remember me by and if she ever did I’m sure she filed it away under the title of ‘Wanker’.
By Roy Travers4 years ago in Filthy
Changing The Lines
I have played around with different careers and roles in my life. I have been a farmer, raising hogs and chickens and growing grain crops. I have been a presenter and a director in a Science Centre. I have hosted my own radio show and, in fact, got married “on the air” in an attempt to allow more people to attend the ceremony and, to cut down on costs, of course. I have been teacher for over 30 years and I have been a student for another 20. During the time I was teaching, I decided to do something to help perfect my craft. I decided to enroll in a Stand-Up Comedy course offered by a near-by College. I felt that if I could stand in front of an audience and bare my soul by telling jokes and stories, I would somehow be more natural and entertaining in my day job of teaching. One of the exercises that my fellow students and I had to complete was to take lines from any movie and change them in a way that would turn the film into a comedy of sorts. Whatever genre the movie started out as, it would now become a comedy because of our line changes. My attempts at this assignment are offered below. I do believe, however, that the changes appear much funnier, if indeed, the reader has previously viewed the film in question. Regardless, read on, and hopefully enjoy.
By John Oliver Smith4 years ago in Filthy
