Men Vs. Women in Open Relationships

So, you have decided as a couple that you are ready for consensual non-monogamy (CNM). There is one thing you should know: the experiences of the man and the woman (in a heterosexual, CNM couple) will be very different. Neither has an empirically better or worse experience. In fact, both will face difficulties — simply different ones.

You might not end up having the below experiences, but they are based on the experiences of many CNM couples, so take the information I will share and keep it in your back pocket. You never know when it will come in handy.

*As a disclaimer, this is aimed at CNM couples who are mainly looking to independently have stable, secondary partners.*

The Man’s Experience

As a man, you will have a harder time finding women interested in CNM. Your pool of potential candidates will be more shallow than your partner’s. Sorry, it is what it is. Not only that, in this shallow pool, you will need to wade through the ‘harem-lifestyle’ ladies and the ‘deluded-by-choice’ gals, to get to the cool ones; the ones who are like your primary partner. 😊

Let’s start with the harem-lifestyle ladies. Now, if this is your cup of tea, then great. But, for most couples it just isn’t, and these ladies don’t get it. These ladies believe that the CNM couple they just met (aka you) is the new family they will adopt…immediately. The harem ladies believe that the three of you will share your bed together, walk your pets together and raise your children together.

Initially, you may mistake these ladies for cool, open-minded people, but they will squash that belief quickly. It won’t be long before they start flipping out that you haven’t introduced them to your parents and children and it’s already date #3!? Or, they might start breaking the delusion of a functional human by crumbling in a torrent of tears because you want an evening for just you and your primary partner, and you haven’t asked them to move in yet!

But, like I said, you’ll pick out the harem ladies quickly. They can’t hold in their passion for the harem lifestyle for very long. So, that’s the good thing — these relationships won’t last long. It’s the deluded-by-choice gals that you need to be careful of. These gals can hide it well.

The deluded-by-choice gals will come across as great people. They will be cool with CNM and also act like emotionally balanced individuals…until…they flip out because you haven’t left your partner for them yet.

Yup. It’s going to come out of the blue. Because, while these ladies were telling you that it’s so cool that you and your partner are practicing CNM, what they were actually thinking was “He’s obviously not happy with his partner. Once he gets to know me, he’ll realize that it’s me he really wants to be with.”

It doesn’t matter how many times along the way you tell one of these ladies that you are really happy with your partner. They are deluded by choice. They refuse to believe that CNM is a real thing. They will keep convincing themselves that you want to be monogamous, but you just haven’t found the right woman…until now. Because, obviously, she’s the right woman.

I wish I had advice on how to pick out the deluded-by-choice women, but sadly they are often incredibly practiced at lying to not just men, but also to themselves. After one or two of these ladies though, you will start to get that gut feeling after a couple of dates. Trust the gut. And, the most important thing you can do is to always stay honest, at the start of the relationship and along the way, about the fact that you are happy with your partner and have zero intention of leaving them for anyone. Then, if the s@#t hits the fan, you have the knowledge that there was nothing you did to assist in creating the delusion.

The Woman’s Experience

Many couples find that the female will have a much easier time finding potential partners. Look, I’m sorry to stereotype, but the truth is, it’s very easy to find men interested in sex with few strings attached, at ANY age. I don’t care what you say, if there’s a decent looking woman who doesn’t have a hundred, obvious issues coming out of her ears, she will have no problems finding interested partners. So, that’s the pro of being a woman.

What’s the con?

Well, most of those guys will be… highly deluded.

Many men still have very odd perceptions of women who practice CNM. Mainly, when a guy meets a single woman, he doesn’t assume that she wants to sleep with every man she meets. However, many men, upon meeting a woman practicing CNM, dive into this odd belief that the standards this female had as a single woman somehow don’t apply when she’s practicing CNM. These men will approach the CNM female as if she’s a predator just hunting for her next prey…any prey. No questions. No standards.

Additionally, these men will be stumped when the female wants to actually know them before jumping in the sack. Many will turn away offended. And, if the woman wanting to get to know them doesn’t offend them, a CNM female who dares to not go for them definitely will. This will be incomprehensible to them. If you are lucky, they will simply get a confused, glazed look on their face as you walk away. If you are not lucky, they will become belligerent and rude. Because, how could you say no to them? You are practicing CNM, so doesn’t that mean you are a sex-starved lunatic chasing men down the street?

So, if you are a woman reading this, prepare for a lot of very frightening online, and in-person, interactions. Although, I suppose that’s not that different from regular dating…

Now, let’s say you’ve had those scary and often bizarre, dates and you’ve finally found a really cool, secondary partner. He’s a single dad. He’d love to have a partner but doesn’t have the capacity for the commitment of a full-time, monogamous relationship. He’s got his job, his friends, and mainly his kids. CNM is exactly what he wants…

Uhmmmughh (that’s me, clearing my throat)

Here’s the ironic thing. You know those women who complain that men don’t want to commit? Well, that’s only true when men feel like commitment is placed in front of them like a point to check off on a list of to-dos.

When men are in a relationship where simply being with the person — being friends, being lovers, being together — is what’s expected, they tend commit without even knowing…and they love it. Slowly, your once-a-week routine won’t be enough. Whether in three or six months, he will start to ask why he can’t go on holidays with you. He will start to push to have Christmas with you. He will want to introduce you to his kids…

Right now, you aren’t actually with this guy, so you are thinking “well, then we just end it.” But, when you are actually with him, and you have been with him for months, you will care that you are hurting him because you will care for him. And, unless the two of you are VERY self-aware and very honest with each other, it will end badly.

Notice that I said “unless you are very self-aware and honest”. That is the clause. You will need to both be able to communicate very well to get past this point; to either remain happy as open partners or, if he’s simply ready for more in his life, to move on in a way where you can remain friends.

Dating other CNM Couples

Some people decide that the best way to avoid all the above-mentioned pitfalls is to just date people who are also in a CNM couple. Sorry to disappoint, but the above pitfalls will still apply, plus others.

There are also harem-style couples and various other styles of couples and you need to figure out if the other couple’s style of CNM is compatible with yours. Additionally, every couple sets their own rules — how often each person can go out with someone else, whether they can sleep over, etc… Will their rules function alongside your rules? Can either, or both of you, compromise a bit to make things work?

Lastly…although this is such an obvious ‘no’, many couples still go into CNM to ‘save’ their relationship. They won’t tell you this — oftentimes these couples lack awareness and they haven’t even admitted it to themselves — but, you will start to pick up on little ‘hints of misery’ in their primary relationship. If that happens, I suggest you quickly back away…unless you want to end up in the middle of a dumpster truck-on-fire type of situation, where you get blamed for setting the flames. And trust me, you will be the one to get blamed, because you are the easiest scapegoat.

So, now that I’ve managed to scare the pants off of you…relax. Here’s the thing, CNM dating is no different than standard dating; you will have to meet and learn via the rough ogres before you find the diamonds in the rough. And, just like in standard dating, you do learn with experience. You start to ‘feel people out’ much faster after a while and start to know very quickly if you should run or stay. And, just like in standard dating, honesty can be hard and awkward and it may lead to the majority of your relationships ending, but in the long term, it will also lead you to the few, amazing, relationships that are healthy for all parties involved.

Original published in Medium