Is An Open Relationship the Right Choice for You?

Approximately 3–7% of the North American population is currently engaged in consensual non-monogamous (CNM) arrangements while close to 17% of couples desire to engage in/are considering engaging in, CNM (1).

This article is not a discussion of whether CNM is “right” or “wrong”. That is your choice to make as a couple. However, if you are a couple that is seriously considering CNM, in order for your relationship to remain healthy if you do decide on it, you need to have a very, brutally honest talk, before doing anything. I say this as a woman married almost twenty-five years, who has discussed, and sometimes experimented with, various ways to be strong and happy in her relationship with her husband in order to find what is right for us — and is to this day still happily married and able to tell the tale.

If you go online and search for how to decide if CNM is right for you, the articles provide nothing short of useless vagueness. I wanted to provide something real: specific questions you can use to get the conversation going. Some of the questions may be obvious, but I’m positive there are a couple that you never thought of.

Why do you want to open up your relationship?

You need to be brutally honest here, both with your partner and with yourself. And while there are many potentially correct answers, there is one wrong one: you think it will fix a damaged or weak relationship.

Just like you should not have children to ‘fix’ a relationship, you should also never do CNM for that reason. CNM requires you to already be in a very strong and honest relationship prior to starting. If you aren’t, then I guarantee CNM is just a step towards a breakup. If your relationship is on the rocks, fix it first, or end it.

Statistics on the failure/success rates of CNM are ridiculously untrustworthy with some sources reporting a 92% failure rate (2) while other sources report a 92–97% success rate (3)! I personally believe that the statistics greatly depend on the sample type. For example, if the failure/success rate is calculated based on the admissions of couples in therapy sessions then a significant percentile of these couples already had relationship issues prior to starting CNM and may have divorced either way.

So, on that note, don’t hurt your partner and yourself more by dragging the two of you through CNM on your way to the breakup. Be honest about where your relationship is really at.

Does your partner TRULY share your choice?

I have seen couples in which a partner agrees to CNM because they are scared they will lose the person they love if they don’t. This makes for an extremely toxic and hurt-filled relationship that slowly and painfully ends.

If your partner does not truly share your choice, then you have a choice to make. How important is this to you? Are you going to push your partner into something that hurts them? Or, are you willing to give that choice up for them? Will giving up CNM hurt you?

Do you have the time?

Open relationships require spare time, something many couples don’t realize until they are arguing or feeling bitter about who will clean the house before the in-laws arrive, who will take the kids to that birthday party on Friday night, etc... Especially if you have children, can the two of you balance spending time with your children, with each other, with friends and family, having me-time, and then giving time to an additional partner? Or, will you have to sacrifice something?

Are you willing to accept the potential consequence of people finding out?

Some people don’t care if the whole world knows that their relationship is open. However, many prefer to keep their private lives…well…private. We know that there are many types of people out there, and potentially in our lives and work spaces, and many factors might contribute to a couple choosing not to parade the fact that they are practicing CNM. The thing is though, even if you live in a huge city, it’s Murphy’s Law, you’ll eventually bump into someone on a date. What if it’s your parents? Your colleagues? Your children? How will those things affect you and how will you deal with them? And potentially, who is NEVER allowed to find out? (that very religious grandma who just might die of a heart attack — for real — if she ever finds out?) Are you willing to cover for each other? If so, what are your cover stories going to be?

What type of open relationship are you interested in, and does your partner feel the same?

There are many types of open relationships, from purely sexual escapades, to couples only being with other couples, to long-term polyamorous second partners. If your partner has a different preference, how will the two of you handle that? For example, if you only want to experiment sexually but your partner ends up with a long term partner, how will that make you feel?

And please, don’t kid yourself. You can NOT control feelings. What you think is just sex can turn into a friendship or even love before the blink of an eye.

And lastly….

Do you understand that your potential, other partners are humans with feelings as well?

The people you interact with aren’t your objects to summon at-will. I have known some very entitled couples who can’t comprehend why things always go bad with their other partners. It’s usually because they don’t respect the fact that other people also have responsibilities, time limitations and feelings. Can you accommodate those things in potential partners?

The above are your starting points. I’m guessing that discussing the above will lead you and your partner to many more discussion points. Not only will this help you decide if CNM is right for you, it will be a great exercise in honest communication as a couple, helping you to discover more about yourselves and potentially bring you closer together, regardless of what choice you make.

It’s also important for you to realize that the choices you make right now, might not be the right choices for you once you live with them for a bit. Additionally, the answers you give to some of the above questions today, might change in a year, or two, or due to a major life event. That does not mean you lied to each other. It means you grew and developed as human beings, as all human beings should. Keeping that in mind, make sure that the two of you agree to keep the lines of communication open for potential future re-discussions.

*Originally published in Medium*