The World Through Her Eyes

The World Through Her Eyes

Taking a big sip of my iced vanilla latte, I lean back in my chair and breath out a huge breath, trying to fill my body with relaxation after a way too long day of university. The late September sun is warm on my skin, but there's a pleasant soft wind blowing through the air.

“Everything alright young lady?”, I hear a voice quite close to my ear. “Yeah I'm fine, thanks” I say, blinking behind my huge sunglasses. “Could you bring me another vanilla latte please?” “On my way”, the young-sounding waiter tells me and storms off again. His pace seems as hectic as the sounds surrounding me. People having lively chatters, panting dogs under the tables, rattling plates and cutlery from all directions. The “Marina” is fairly crowded most of the time, and yet it's my favorite place in town to clear my mind whenever I'm feeling stressed. And today is definetely such a day. Still sensing the nervousness in my veins from giving that presentation about some stupid decryption program earlier with the stares of my professor in my back, I pull out my phone and plug in my headphones to find some distraction in my best friend Hannah's daily voicemails. “Omg Cara you won't believe this”, her euphoric voice fills my ear and I need to grin. That's definetely about that guy she met last week. Long, blonde hair, lead singer in a band and skating in his free time are the details I can remember. Whenever Hannah meets a new boy, she gets super excited and acts like they'd be the love of her life. Regularly they take her on some super fancy dates then, just to ghost her a few weeks later. For some reason, Hannah magnetically attracts such boys, pretenders as we call them since they usually just pretend to be interested in her while actually they just want to get her in bed. Hannah's been through this like a million times, and yet she never stops dating. “One day I'll find the right one, Cara”, she always tells me with hope in her voice. “And until then I'll just keep having fun.” I'm glad she takes it like that. If I was in her place, I would have given up on love a long time ago. But that's rather my part in our friendship. “You're eighteen and haven't even kissed before, Cara!”, Hannah reminds me every now and then, trying to encourage me to download Tinder or something. But I don't really see the point in adding the stress of dating to my already so stressful life.

“Is that chair still free?”, I suddenly hear a male voice saying in front of me and flinch. “Uhm, yeah” I mumble still in shock and take out one of the headphones in case he wants to talk to me, which I however really hope he doesn't. “Sorry, I didn't want to scare you”, he says now and I sigh inwardly, pausing Hannah's voicemail on my phone. “I'm Calvin” he introduces himself and my heart starts to beat faster as I hope he's not reaching out his hand to say hello. “Cara”, I answer. After that, silence settles over us that is kinda awkward now that he has made it quite obvious he wants to have a conversation but fails to find a start for it. Finally, the waiter comes and brings my second coffee that I start drinking immediately. “You seem thirsty”, Calvin states with a grinning tone and I roll my eyes before I remember he can't see that due to my sunglasses. “I just like iced coffee”, I state instead and feel super weird with it. Why can't he just sit somewhere else so that I could finish my coffee and then just head home? “I don't drink coffee” he says now and I just nod. “Could you recommend any of the milkshakes?” “They're all pretty good” I tell him, obviously trying to get rid of him. But Calvin just won't let my dismissive comments unsettle him. Literally feeling his eyes on me, I finally add that the chocolate milkshake was probably the best one.

“Okay then”, he says with a happy voice and orders one right after. “So you come here more often?” “Evidently” I say and grin a little. As much as I'd still rather be alone, it's also kinda fun trying to catch him off balance. “So I'm sure you know how much the chocolate milkshake is exactly?” he says with a playful voice now, obviously trying to test me. “Hmm... $8,95?” I ask and laugh. “Wow, that's correct!” he calls, sounding quite stunned. As if it was such a big thing knowing the exact price of what I order almost every day at summer time. But after a whole day of judgy professors, most of them tending to criticize everything us students say, it's kinda nice having someone appreciating achievements, even though they're just something as meaningless as that. “I'm an expert on this place”, I state and grin. Then we remain silent again, but this time it feels no longer awkward.

When the waiter comes to bring his shake, I state that I'd like to pay. “What, you're already leaving?”, Calvin asks with played outrage. “Yeah, I need to go home” I say but find myself a little sad for not being able to keep joking around with him like that. Calvin says nothing then, so I'm trying to escape the silence by searching my bag for my wallet. When I've found it, I go through my phone under the table to open the money reader app, thankful that I'm still having one headphone in so that he most likely won't notice. Hannah always asks me why I'm hiding my handicap from strange people instead of being proud of how normally I'm living my life despite it. Maybe she thinks that I'm ashamed, but that's not it. Sometimes I just don't feel like answering the same questions over and over again to people I'll never see again in my life. And besides that, I can really go without the compassionate comments most of them tend to make as soon as they understand I'm a little different than them. I know they just mean well, but I just wish they'd see me for who I really am instead of for the fact that that's exactly what I can't do: See.

After I've paid, I take the last sip of my coffee and then gather to leave. “Hey, sorry to ask so directly, but would you maybe like to give me you're number?”, Calvin's voice stops me from walking away already. “Uhm... how 'bout you give me yours instead?”, I suggest and quickly turn on the screen light of my cell before holding it in his direction. “Alright” he says casually, but it's not hard to identify the disappointment in his tone. He probably thinks I'll never text him. And five minutes ago, I would have thought so too. But now, I'm not that sure anymore. Listening to the voice reading out the single numbers in my ear, I catch myself already considering how long I should wait in case I'll decide to text him. Good thing I'm having a dating expert as a best friend.

When he's done typing, I reach out my hand and sense how he's putting my phone in there, shivering a little as our hands shortly touch within that process. Wait... am I starting to have a crush on that guy? Me, the one who has always tried to evade dating, tried to convince everyone around me that I can be happy without a love life too? “Okay, so bye then” I quickly say before I hurry my way outside the cafe, more than overwhelmed by that new feeling in my stomach I've never had before. Orientating myself to the voices of the other guests, I walk along the stony path until I've reached the exit and thankfully put my hand on the pleasantly cold doorknob. There's no way I could have pulled that off in a place I don't know that well. But in the Marina, I know every way by heart. I can do almost everything by myself in here, and my handicap is much less of a deal than anywhere else. Maybe that's why I like going here so much. In the Marina, I can be just like everyone else.

Sitting in my bus back home, I can't stop thinking about Calvin. Trying really hard to stay focused, I listen to the rest of Hannah's voicemail before I start telling her about him, not caring that everyone else in the bus is listening as well. I can hear in their quiet sighs how annoyed they are by me talking loudly on the bus, but all I need to do is putting the word “blind” in my narrative a couple of times and I know no one will dare to walk up to me and try to stop me. Which is hurtful and discriminating on the one hand, but useful on the other.

When I'm finished, I only need to wait like two minutes before Hannah starts to text back, almost like she'd have a sixth sense for knowing my voicemail is finally about a boy. Tons of “omg”s and excited emojis float my chat with her as soon as she understands what's going on and I grin. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe dating is not just stressful as I thought it was but quite a lot of fun, too. Or maybe that's also just Hannah's euphoria going over to me and I'm gonna lose interest again as soon as I'll find out how much I suck at this. I don't know that yet, but what I do know is that suddenly, I really wanna find out.

On Sunday morning, I wake up with a wide grin on my lips. It's three days now since Calvin and I have met, which is the time Hannah has told me to wait until I could text him. Apparently, there is some three days rule that I'm not aware of, which was a real shock to Hannah. “Well, now I know” I would say and grin, thinking it's kinda funny how she's something like my personal dating coach now. So as the third day of waiting has finally arrived, I get out my phone and open my messages.

Then I start looking for his name in my contact list, my heart pounding faster with every name closer to the letter C. As I reach him, my voice program reads out: “Calvin from the cool cafe” and I need to grin at the alliteration he has saved his name with. Somehow cringy, but somehow also very cute. I've spent most of my time thinking about what to text him in the last three days, but now I know that I need to respond to that in some way. So I text: “Feel like having cool coffee again any time soon?” and send it before I can think about it too much. From all the years of Hannah endlessly considering whether she should rather text “hi” or “hey” to a boy, I've decided pretty soon that whenever I might go into dating as well, I do it without all that stress about which words to choose. I'm just going to write whatever I feel, and if he won't like it I'm not gonna care. It's not quite like I've planned on texting with a random boy I've met anyway.

“I don't drink coffee as you know”, a message comes back a few minutes later and I shake my head with a slight grin. He's definetely doing that on purpose. What the hell am I supposed to text back to that? I don't wanna just suggest to have milkshakes instead as that would be such a lame response. Okay wow... maybe I am thinking about what to text. What has happened to me? It's like within three days, I've jettisoned all my principles just because of him. And I'm not sure yet whether that's such a good thing. “So you have anything cooler in mind?” I text back finally, at least semi content with that. “How 'bout getting ice cream somewhere?” Now, I need to laugh. “That's indeed pretty cool”, I text and add a snowflake emoji with it. Then I turn off my phone and smile.

It has been a whole week of texting every day until Calvin has finally asked me out for our little ice cream date. I told him that I would be at university until 5 P.M and he suggested to pick me up, which I thought was super cute but also a little problematic. I know that I can't date Calvin without him noticing I am blind eventually of course, and still I haven't managed to tell him yet, although I definitely could have. But I just feared that when I told him, he wouldn't wanna go on that date with me anymore. Before I've met him, I have never cared whenever people at school considered me strange just because I was different, or whenever strangers didn't want to talk to me because they were so intimidated by the white cane. “Their loss” I would tell myself, and until now I've always been able to believe that. But if Calvin and I stopped texting, I feel like that would be my loss, too. Which is why I suggested to meet at the parlor at half to six instead and persuaded Hannah to pick me up and bring me. With that same sunglasses on my face that I wore last time I think I can manage to hide my blindness at least up to the end of the date. And in case he will leave me as soon as he finds out, I would at least have experienced the very fist date of my life with being treated completely normally instead of answering only questions about my blindness instead of really talking about myself.

“You're sure you wanna do that?”, Hannah asks me with a sigh in her voice as we cross the huge street in front of my university, arms crossed. “Do what?” I ask back with a snappy tone, even though I know exactly what she means of course. “There's a cute boy who really likes you and who seems perfect for you as well. He's friendly, funny, and sincere. And you're lying to him, just because you fear he won't like you anymore when he finds out you're blind? If he really chanced his mind just because of that, he wouldn't be good enough for you anyways!” “I know” I say, blinking away the tear that I'm happy Hannah can't see due to the sunglasses. “It's not only about that.” “What else then?” Hannah wants to know and I sigh, thinking that I'd rather not wanna tell her. But I know I have to if I want her to help me getting to the parlor. “I just don't wanna talk only about that. I don't wanna be reduced to my disability. Don't wanna be “that blind girl he's dating” instead of Cara.”

After that, Hannah doesn't say anything. I know she's still not happy with my decision, but at least she has understood that it's still mine and not hers. “All right, tell me how it has been going”, she says and hugs me goodbye after I've sat down on a table. “I will” I say and force a smile while actually, I begin to feel sick. “I'm not ready for this” I think, happy that Hannah has already left so that I can't convince her to bring me home in the last second. Now, I have no other choice than waiting for him, which is getting harder with every minute passing.

“Hey there”, I finally hear his cheeky voice in front of me and grin automatically. “Hi” I say and smile in the direction of the voice. Then, I hear how he sits down across from me and try to relax my pretty tense body. “How was you're day?”, he wants to know. “Stressful”, I answer back a little too fast. I know exactly this will now turn into a possibly endless discussion, containing of him trying to convince me to chance my subject and me agreeing with everything he says but still not being brave enough to really take his advice. So before Calvin can ask why I don't just switch subject, I deflect by asking him about his day and luckily, it works pretty well. Much time is passed now by him telling me about his chemistry studies, as much enthusiasm in his voice as I could only dream of having when talking about university. I don't really understand what he's trying to tell me, but I also don't need to. It's enough to just observe how he's literally caught up in his talks and how he seems impressively intelligent when talking like that.

“So what would you like to eat?”, his question tears me out of my thoughts. “Uhm...” I say as my heart starts to race. I have thought of so much, but the pretty obvious fact that I can't read the menu I've forgotten about. “How about you pick for me this time?” I'm saving myself, trying to grin despite my nervousness so that he just interprets it as a flirty move. “Okay sure” he laughs and I breath an inner relieved breath. “You'll have the hugest ice cream cup on their menu then.” “What, no!” I call out in shock, but I already know that's my only option besides from telling him that I can't read the menu by myself. “Too late!” he says and I can hear him grinning with it. “Don't worry, it's on me.” As he says that, I feel myself blushing. “It's gonna cost a lot” I state, as if that would stop him. “Well, not you're choice” he grins and I sigh while forcing a grin back. This is not going as planned at all!

“You're cute”, Calvin tells me suddenly while I'm fighting with my huge cup of ice cream while his one is long finished. “Why?” I ask back, my cheeks full with the cold candy. “'Cause... sorry to say that now, but you seem pretty nervous right now.” Then he laughs, quite nervous now as well. “Why?” I ask again, this time sounding more upset that I wanted to. “I don't know, like the way you were searching for the cup with you're hand before and kept it there for the whole time now, almost like you would be holding on to it. Your face looks pretty tense, too. And why are you wearing sunglasses?” Oh my god! I thought that Calvin would either understand what is going on or he would just be too caught up in our conversations for noticing these little things. But he interprets them as nervousness! How am I supposed to react to this? As I don't say something, Calvin feels as if he has gone too far. “I... I'm sorry!” he says now and sounds like he really means it. “I shouldn't have exposed you. It was just supposed to be a crappy joke.” “It's not a joke” I say finally, feeling stupid as ever. How the hell could I believe I could hide my blindness?

“What do you mean?” he now more whispers than says. As an answer, I take of my sunglasses, revealing my eyes that are probably looking anywhere but at him right now. “I'm blind” I say without emotion. “You're blind?” he repeats his voice as incredulous as if I would have just told him I was a witch or something. Instead of saying something, I put my sunglasses back on so that he won't see me crying, which I definetely will when I need to listen to that disappointed tone in his voice much longer. “Why didn't you tell me?”, he wants to know after a moment of weird silence. “Because of exactly this!” I call, a little too loudly. “Look how scared off you are now. You won't admit it, but next week you're gonna text me and say it didn't work between the two of us. And I would know exactly why that is.” For a while, nothing happens. “I would never do that”, Calvin finally says, but not in a cute, romantic but rather in a really hurt tone. And that's when I understand it isn't the fact that I am blind that is scaring him away. It's the fact that I didn't trust him enough to tell him about it. And I never felt as sorry about something as I do right now.

“Can we pay?”, Calvin says as soon as the waiter comes by. “I'm sorry” I say when he left again, as if that would make it any better. Calvin says nothing. Instead, he pays for the two cups of ice cream and then gets up. I'm pretty sure he's going to leave me here now, but then he says: “Let's go and talk somewhere in private, okay?” Wait, what? I would have expected very much from him now, but not that he still wanted to talk to me. “Uhm okay but... you have to lead me” I say sheepishly. Not being able to walk somewhere by myself has never felt so crappy as it does right now. But Calvin doesn't seem to mind. So I tell him he needed to tuck his arm into mine and like that, we walk outside the ice-cream parlor. First I feel really really stupid, but after a while I kinda like that my blindness forces us to touch, which kinda deescalates the situation whether we want to or not.

“So you can't see”, he breaks the ice after a way too long while. “No I can”, I say. “Just not in the way you do. I just see the world a little differently, you know?” “Yeah, yeah I do” he says and I can hear him smiling. Smiling in the same way he did on the day we first met. Maybe, it really didn't change the way he sees me. “So what's that like?”, he wants to know and I laugh. As if I could answer that in only one sentence. “Normal”, I say finally, feeling like that sums it up pretty much. But of course it's not what he wanted to know. Soon, he's asking me that same things I had to answer a million times before. How long I've been blind, how I manage going to university, how I'm using my phone and all that stuff. The difference is just that suddenly, I don't mind answering them anymore. Because the way he's interested in them is not curiosity, it's real interest. He doesn't wanna know how a blind person can be able to study, he wants to know how I study. There's a difference, one that I've noticed just now.

After a long long while of just walking, he sits us down on a bench and comes really, really close to me. Then he touches my face and I know what has to come right now, which doesn't mean I really believe it though. “You're impressive” he whispers, so close to me that I can feel his breath. Then, he takes my hand and puts it on his face as well. It feels warm and soft and like the best thing I've ever touched. Now, he leans in for a kiss and when our lips touch, I feel under my finger how he is closing his eyes. Closing them from the world around us but opening them for mine.