The Case of the Missing Ring

It was an average Moonday. My mead was hitting me in the right spot as the elvish weed propped me up and forced me to consider the day ahead. I had a feeling in my guts that there would be a very serious disturbance to my day, like two orcs fighting over who gets to eat a dwarf, or whatever those thugs like to chow on. I was in no mood for big surprises, but I also wanted to pay my rent for the month. You can only have so many elves wondering if the loves of their lives are cheating on them before you develop a rep as the bearer of bad parchment. No one really wants the truth...but they want the things they lost to get found, even if it's from a hobbit on his last drop of mead.

That was why she walked in and ruined my day.

A tall, hardeyed, desperate blonde to end all blondes. I did not recognize the threads she wore that seemed to glow with what must have been cheap stones and a tailor's lucky fingers. She seemed to glide over to my desk without a russle. I was about to stand up when she got close enough for me to realize that trying to match her size. Like a potted palm on the beach, she hung over me and had me wondering, at least for a Hobbiton minute, whether she had a coconut ready to drop.

'Mr. Samwise?'

'Yeah?' I had to play it cool while she thought about spilling the beans.

'Name's Galadriel. I gotta proposition for ya.'

Now she had me paying attention.

'Gladreel? You're royalty, right? All those stories out of school about you and the First Age. You got a daughter named Celebrian, right? All that rep precedes you.'

She kept standing and scowling. Did I say something wrong?

'All too true, but lay of the royalty stuff. It's worse than the nonsense I gotta hear when people find out I'm an elf.'

I'd forgotten about that part. You start talking about elves and dwarves here, and you get the ugliest looks from people who think the Shire is the only piece of land worth mentioning. She looked pleased that I kept my mouth shut as she kept going.

'Okay, I see. So what can I do you for, Ms. Glad.'

'Galadriel.' She finally sat down without really having to contort or bend like the rest of us. She was graceful both on her feet and on her...well, you know. 'I have a request.'

'A request?'

'Okay, I guess I should call it a job, right?'

At least she knew what line I was in. I did want to get out of the office and I hoped she would not waste my time.

'Yeah, what is the job?'

'It's something I need you to do with a friend of yours.'

Now I had a bit of frown to share.

'Listen, Lady G., your Highness, or whatever you wanna be called. I don't think...'

'Frodo Baggins.'

I felt my throat dry out, despite all the mead.

'What about him?'

'Well, he has a big job ahead of him, and I need you to be a part of that job.'

This really made not a lick of sense. Here was some fancy dame who's family had all the titles you could want, and she was in my office asking me to get involved with another job. What was I missing here? It was only because she mentioned Frodo that I didn't kick her can out of there.

'Keep talking.'

'There's a ring that he's got. And he isn't ready for what he's gotta do with it.'

'A ring? A piece of metal? Lady, you just...'

'He has to toss it away and it make sure that he does it pretty damn soon.'

'So...you got some jewelry that you don't want to get pinched. Just toss it in a river or something...'

'I don't have it, he has it.' She was getting a little uncomfortable (even royalty can't hide the truth). 'And I don't want it.'

I lost my professionalism and just stared hard at her skinny face and lies.

'You come into my office and me to get in touch with a friend who has a ring that you want to get rid of, but you don't want it. You want someone else to do your dirty work for you. This whole thing stinks.'

'Yes, that is what I thought you'd say. So why don't you just ask him about it yourself?' She got up to leave, again with that smooth chill motion that was getting on my nerves. 'One ring. That's all. It shouldn't be too hard to get rid of.'

'One ring...'

'One Ring to rule them.'

'What?'

'One Ring to find them...One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them...'

Usually, I hate poetry, but those lines... Something stuck. Maybe because she was almost singing it like a real pro. But I wasn't fooled.

'You do this kind of thing a lot, right? Get people to do your work and then make up poems to distract them?'

I hadn't noticed how quickly she made it to the door.

'No, not at all. This is a special case. I need you both to handle this and then...well, we'll see.'

'You know I got my fee, right?'

'You know I'm royalty, right? You'll get more than you deserve.'

And like smoke from the finest leaf, she slipped out the door, leaving me feeling like I should maybe lay off the leaf and the mead for a while. And then...give Frodo a knock. I think that there may be something I could do for my old pal. Couldn't leave him with this scam on his plate.

And all that on a Moonday.

*

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