The Reviled Soldier

Ethereal hands stretched out before me. Astonished, I try to move them as if they were my own and realized that they were mine. I focus past the transparent arms and see a decrepit and emancipated old body of a man. His hair had long since gone and he was laying on a bed of straw in a place that amounted to nothing more than a mud house.

“Oh. So I’m dead. It’s about time.” I look around at the hovel that I spent the last years of my life in. A pair of bare cupboards laid uselessly off to the side. A dusty old table stood in the middle, already worn down by time, with an unfinished bowl of gruel. Patches of sunlight spotted the ground through a broken thatched roof. A flap of cloth was used as his doorway providing little protection against the wind or wildlife.

Standing near said entrance was a being dressed in a gray robe. It had pale skin with sunken yellow eyes. A straight face that showed no evidence of emotion. In its hand was a book, leather bound and unopened.

“Are you my ferryman? Here to take me to Hell?” I asked, already accepting my fate.

I was only met with silence.

“Well, Let’s just get on with it.” I sighed out, tired and just waiting for my eternal punishment.

Silence continued to reign in the area, before the being opened up its book, flipping to the first page. As it did so, my vision blurred. All of the colors within the hovel seemed to twist and turn, combining into each other before spreading out, forming a new scene in front of me.

“Father.” I muttered as I took in the new scene of a meadow. A young man was practicing sword techniques and someone older stood nearby wearing a cape marked with a sword bisecting a crown, pride clearly showing on his face.

“What’s the point in all this?” I turn to the robed being. “Is this what people mean when they say that their life flashes before their eyes?”

I was only met with silence.

“Or is this where my judgement begins? Starting with where my first sin took root.”

My father went up to my younger self, joyful at the way I had so quickly mastered the sword.

“I already recognize my fault in this memory, where my pride and vanity began. I was faster and stronger than everyone else. Thus I grew prideful, believing that I was special, above everyone else. The praise of my father and tutors only strengthened that belief.”

I turn back to the robed being. “Here is where I can say my sins began. My belief that I should stand above everyone else.”

“I will not defend myself here. Others my age were wise enough to see the folly in my thinking so I will not claim it was impossible for me to have a different mindset. So tell me, what do you say about my beginning?”

The robed being did not answer, simply flipped a page in the book. The world spun as the colors merged together, forming a new scene from my life.

“Ah, I remember this well. The day of my first kill, the day I became a man. I was a boy, no older than fourteen at the time.” My eyes harden at the scene before me. Another boy of around the same age laid in a pool of blood at my feet. My younger self stood triumphantly, not a single scratch on my body.

“I impressed everyone there, the only person that showed no hesitation in the kill.” I walk over to the dead boy and I gingerly knelt beside him, a part of me wishing things could have been different.

“I never even knew his name.” I got up and turned towards some spectators, each one wearing a cape with the symbol of a sword bisecting a crown.

I watched as my younger self, eager and joyful, went to the spectators. I received a similar cape, being accepted into the ranks of the military.

“I knew how horrid they were, but I didn’t care. The elite of the elite is what we were considered and I, the youngest to join their ranks. What better way to satiate my ego than to be a part of something so prestigious."

I turned away in disgust, "Such a bitter memory.”

I await, not knowing what to expect. Perhaps anger, perhaps understanding.

“Still no comment, no thought going on behind those eyes? Fine then. Let’s move on.”

Obliging, the robed being turned a few more pages and just like the previous times, the world spun before righting itself again. I was on the battlefield.

Smoke billowed into the sky as a raging fire spread across the small village. My younger self charged in, led by a company commander. The fight didn’t last more than half a day. I followed my younger self around as I ran about, mowing down defender after defender. I watched as my younger self broke down a door to a home. A mother and two small children were huddled in a corner and my determination faltered. My younger self backed out into the company commander.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“There’s no enemies here.”

The commander took a peek over my shoulder, “I see three right there. Finish the job.”

“They’re defenseless.”

“The best way to get rid of flies is to kill the maggots.” My younger self was shoved back in. Screams rang from the home, followed by a deafening silence.

“I could’ve done something you know.” I turned towards the hooded being. “I was stronger than him. Could’ve overpowered him, said that the enemy got him while I made sure the widow and children hid.”

I gave a cold, heartless laugh. “But I didn’t. After all, how could I gain rank by defying orders? Thus my greatest sin was committed where I decided to prioritize my own ego over the lives of innocent women and children.”

I moved to the entrance. Uncaring of the carnage inside. “Her name was Sarah Halem and her two children were Markus and Silvy. Her husband was killed in our raid.”

I give a deep sigh. “These aren’t the last innocents I’ve slaughtered, neither are they the first to haunt my dreams.”

I walked out of the suffocating village, looking up at the black and red sky I asked, “So now what? I haven’t committed any greater sin. So is this the end?”

I was only met with silence.

“Can’t make this easy? I have to view my other murders as well?”

I didn’t have to look, I heard the flipping of pages and my world spun.

As the world came into view, I was shocked and angry at what I saw.

“What is this!” I yell at the robed being.

Standing in front of me was my former wife. Tears streamed down her face as she packed up her things and with our son in hand, she left.

“Was my failure as a husband and father a greater sin then the innocents I have slaughtered?”

I simmered down, anger leaving as quickly as it had come. “If only I had known, maybe things would have been different.”

Sitting with my head in my hands I spoke to the robed being, “Every time I was around her and our son, the only thing I could think about were those I’ve killed. It led me to ask whether I’d kill her and my son the same way if asked to do so. I hated that thought. It drove me mad, and I couldn't bear to be around them. I guess in a way, that was an answer. At least it was for her.”

Walking around, I relived the memories I had of this place. “You know. I was actually glad when I came back, and they were gone. Meant, I never had to think about that question anymore. So, tell me. Was pushing my family away my greatest crime? Allowing my son to grow in a broken home because of my selfishness?”

I was once again met only with silence.

Instead, the sound of flipping pages was heard and everything transformed once again. A new place, same scenario. The final battle I participated in.

I look around in confusion. “Why are we here? What crime did I commit?”

The robed being simply looked at me, a never changing face.

Never speaking, never gaining an answer, I look around trying to make sense of it myself. It was here that I disobeyed the orders of the empire. I thought I had made it up high enough to where I could do what I wanted, to influence how we did things, but I was wrong.

“That’s enough!” I heard my younger self shout out to the men. “We’ve won, there’s no need to go any further.”

The men I commanded looked around, some in outrage, others in confusion. I could tell they disagreed with my commands. but I was their commander and they had to follow orders. The slaughter stopped. I stood there triumphantly, expecting this to be the first step towards change.

“Aren’t you supposed to judge me for my crimes? What sin did I commit? Choosing to spare innocents over my duty to my country? ANSWER ME SPECTER!” I shouted at the being, I tried to grasp it by the robe just to pass straight through. I turn and it stared at me with its blank, uncaring eyes.

“Just tell me where I went wrong.” I somberly fall to my knees. “Should I have accepted my duty? Was my conviction wrong?” I turned to the robed man, but knew I’d receive no answer. “I’ve felt the weight of my evils and how they burdened me. For once I felt proud of what I’ve done, is that not proof that I did something right?”

Once again, the flipping of pages was all I heard. I was back in a familiar place, the hovel where I finished the rest of my life. With me was a small boy, no older than seven. A scar ran down the left side of his face from where a sword slashed him. Hatred burned in his eyes and I couldn’t blame him. I was once a part of the empire that slaughtered his parents. I took him in, knowing he’d die on his own.

Throughout the few years I tried to raise him, he’d try to kill me. At that point I was already dead inside, but for some reason, I could never let him commit the deed. Perhaps I knew he’d feel guilt similar to what I held, perhaps it’s because he would’ve died if left alone, maybe it was a mixture of both.

Eventually though, he upped and left. I watched him go, but I ultimately did nothing. Even after I have lived, all I could do was fail.

I sat in silence next to the robed man, watching the scene unfold, feeling the same way I did back then.

“I thought I knew it all. Thought I had it all. Honor, power, wisdom, but this is where it left me. A pathetic old man who could never deal with his troubles.” I got up and stood in front of the husk of a man that used to be me.

“Even now I still don’t know what the right decision would have been. Let him leave and live how he wants no matter how short, or chase after him and help him live longer but in misery.”

I turn to the robed man. “Once again I failed to act and so someone else did it for me. Once again, I ended up in regret. The child probably died, mauled by a tiger of some sort, or perhaps slaughtered by soldiers he tried to fight. At this point, pitiful old me couldn’t be bothered to care. Thus ends my life, to waste away like trash in this hovel.”

I take a deep breath. “So, what now, specter Are you to give my final judgement? Will you finally speak?”

I was once again met with silence as the robed being flipped to the last page.

This was a new scene. A barren land with a recently filled hole. A man, perhaps in his twenties knelt on the ground, finishing the burial. A cairn was built and under it, a rose and letter titled, "To the Reviled Soldier."

I looked quizzically at the letter, how did this stranger know who I was. I peered at the face and teared up when I saw the scar on the left side of his face. “Why are you here?”

I got no reply, he didn’t even look in my direction. Instead, all he did was clasp his hands as if in prayer, before getting up and leaving.

Tears started to stream from my face as I tried to grasp the letter, desperately wanting to see what it said, to know what his final words to me were, but my hands simply passed through. But even though I couldn’t see what he had written I could tell what his intention was. I collapsed, sobbing like a child. “This is far more than I deserve.”

A book closed and only a robed being stood within the space. A slight wind rustled the grass. It stood, unmoving, looking at the letter, before reaching down, curious as to what the man wrote.

I hated you. Even now a part of me still does for what you’ve done, but I understand. I heard and read about you from when you were a child trying to appease his father. How you joined the military and the travesties you’ve created.

I found your wife and son. Did you know leaving was the hardest thing she ever did? Did you know she never remarried because she never fell out of love? There were so many things she wanted to say, but she never told me. She always thought you’d come back to her when you were ready and she’d say those things then. Guess those words will never be spoken.

Your son still hates you. He hates you for choosing work over them. He hates that you left his mother heart broken. He hates that you never tried to get them back.

I found your men. In fact I found them first. Did you know you inspired a few of them? They inspired me too and that’s what led to me learning about you. The few of us created a peace corp. We’re aiming for a better world where people like you and I won’t ever exist. We’re few in number but growing everyday.

I traveled all the way back here to tell you all this. There are so many more things I want to tell you, to ask you. But you couldn’t wait one more day, you just had to die and now, I don’t even know. I feel as though this is the closest to closure I can get. And, if by some miracle, there’s an afterlife and you can read this, I hope it brings closure to you as well.

I guess this is it though, I had so many stories to tell you. That I wish you could hear and one day, I’ll come back with your men and your family and recount our tales to you. I'm afraid you'll have to wait until then but, if there is one thing I could tell you, if your soul can read this, it’s that I forgive you.