The Happiest Lesbian Story Never Told

Chapter 1: Lesbians

Yes, this story is a about lesbians. Yes, this story has a happy ending. Finally! I know right. Yes, it is everything you’ve been waiting for. And yes, it will have uhauling… because would it really be about us if it didn’t? But before we go to the best ending you’ve ever read in a lesbian story, we unfortunately have to go back to the beginning… which is way less fucking fun.

Chapter 2: Am I in love with Selina? No… maybe? No.

God, how can one person be so beautiful? Like I feel like I’m in love and my life is perfect and wow. Her watercolor brown eyes. Her curly dark brown hair. Even her stupid little scar on her left eye. Like how?

You may be reading this thinking: this girl is weird. But no. I’m just a lesbian in love and yeah we notice just about everything about our girlfriends. If there was a quiz show that wasn’t homophobic and had gay people on to quiz them on partner knowledge alongside the straights, Lesbians would win. Every. Single. Time.

The girl in question: Selina. The lesbian in heaven: me, aka Mena.

I met Selina about a week ago (a la Bobby Shmurda) for our first date, and well just kind of never left her house. Ok, I know what you’re thinking: wow, Uhauling in the first chapter. How unoriginal? This is actually chapter 2 if you’ve been paying attention. But also who am I but an unoriginal sucker with the world in her hands. Quite literally in her hands because Selina just woke up and…

Sorry. Got distracted for a little, but let me get back to my story.

******

On the 7th day, God made the Earth, and after 7 days of playing house, Selina ruined my life with 7 simple words, ‘Don’t you have your roommate’s birthday tonight?’ Fuck.

“Oh… yeah. I do. I’ll probably head out soon for that.” Everyone knows that once you leave the week long date, you never talk to them again. I don’t know why I thought this would last forever. Like what is wrong with me?

She looks me up and down with big almond eyes and smiling says, “I really had a nice time with you.”

“I did too,” I say back with an even bigger smile because 1) no I don’t know how to play it cool and 2) I really don’t know how to play it cool.

I give her a soft kiss on the forehead, nose, left cheek, and then lips. Gentle enough that it makes us both pause for a second and reconsider whether my best friend’s birthday was worth the incoming night without the other.

I leave her house giddy as hell and also a bit embarrassed. One thing to learn about me: I’m dramatic. Like really really dramatic. Like a girl smiles at me on the street once and I’m planning our wedding dramatic. I’m embarrassed because how did I convince myself I was in love with Selina after 7 days????? I did it again.

I got home around 3 (afternoon, not early morning, mind you this is growth) with just enough time to slip into my room and get some well deserved sleep before Tam’s party. Seriously though. Being gay is tiring work and I take my job seriously.

And thus starts the beginning of the happiest lesbian story never told because I start thinking. And all queer people know that once you start thinking: say hello to a gay crisis.

Chapter 3: Me, Again

Well I might as well tell you more about me before we embark on this wild ride. My name is Mena. My friends call me Mee. My parents call me Meen. White people call me M. Because they can never pronounce the ‘Ena’ correctly. And no I didn’t tell them they could call me M, one guy from work just started it. Like how hard is it to say Mena (like Meh-nah. Men-ah. Mena. It’s 2 syllables?!). I didn’t have the energy to stop him, but I did have the energy to give him a cute name too. His name is Rob. I call him D. Short for dumb. It caught on at work just like M did.

As you can tell, I’m also quite sure of who I am. I know what I want in life. To be a kept woman by a hot MILF. Jk. I want to be a lawyer which is equally as exciting but 10x as much work. I know how I want to live my life. With no regrets and a big heart. I know who I am. An immigrant kid living in Northern Virginia that has done well for herself and her family and is going to do BIG THINGS.

You’ll notice that I didn’t say ‘I know that I’m a lesbian.’ Because that’s never been up for debate. Even though I just said it now by saying it to you. Still counts. That’s not something I ever had to know. It always just was and is. And after 45 uhauls, 15 girlfriends, and 5 partners, it definitely is. The only problem is… as I lay in bed after my latest amazing (albeit short lived) romance, I don’t think I know who I want. Yeah, definitely not in love with Selina. Or any of my other flames. But what does that mean? Does that mean I’m a failed lesbian? A failed lover? Do I even know what love is?

(See. I told you. Gay crisis).